Blondes Have More Fun, Like Obviously!

Okay basically this post is going to come across as borderline Hitler Jugend so *insert some ‘I’m not racist but’/ ‘I have ethnic minority friends’ bullshit here* but anyway.. as the official favourite black person of the white people Mrs Beyonce-Z has proven; anyone can be blonde if they try!

Blondes are the best! They just are so stop arguing you brunette naysayer. 

You want reasons? Well I’ll bloody give them to you. 

1. There is an effortless glamour you gain upon becoming blonde. Someone name me a glamourpuss who wasn’t blonde. 

2. Blondes are MARTYRS to their cause. Do any of you realise how much becoming blonde hurts? The stuff you have to slather all over your scalp just BURNS and plus it smells horrid, and the stench stays in your hair for a few washes. Basically, if your blonde hair dye doesn’t burn and gas you out of the bathroom then it just isn’t working. 

3. Blonde is the only colour that doesn’t look totally tragic when your roots come through.. well.. up to a point, when it gets past an inch you’re edging towards looking like you dyed your hair with a bowl on your head. Not fierce. 

4. all the best pop stars are blondes.

-Madonna (obviously) 

-Debbie Harry 

-Britney 

-Lady Gaga (I know she’s blue or something nowadays but screw that!) 

-Dusty Springfield 

-Dolly Parton 

-Cyndi Lauper 

-Stevie Nicks 

(wish I could get a picture for all of these beauties) 

5. you know who wasn’t blonde? 

This guy 

Oh oh and this girl who by the way I think totally did it 

LOL.

xxxxxx

MADONNA!

OH EM GEE! It’s totaaaally Madonna’s birthday today! I know she’s probably far above googling herself, but if one of her ‘people’ is reading this right now- tell her Dolly says hi!

 Anyway, it goes without saying that Ms Ciccone is the most beautiful and stylish person on earth. So today I’m gonna share some tips to help you achieve some modicum of her awe-inducing FINESSE.

1. Let your roots show on purpose

"You look so good with blond hair and black roots its like not even funny."

 It’s dirty. And dirty is sexy.

2. It’s never too late to re-invent

It’s hard to argue that Madge isn’t the queen of re-invention. Cause well. Is there any look she hasn’t rocked?

4. Love your copy-cats

 

a) Madge actually looks better than gaga here, 30 year age difference or not.

b) She should be flattered

c) The woman who is often hailed as the most original dresser in pop rips off Madonna's look all the time- which obviously makes M a frickin' deity.

5. Cradle-snatching doesn’t make you look old it makes you looks SEDUCTIVE AS HELL

3. It’s all about the eyebrows betches.

6. Draw attention to your lady-bits

If your outfit shouts I AM A WOMAN or alternatively- LOOK AT MY VAGINA/TITS, then no man is immune. Men are dead stupid, if you didn’t let them know where the main attractions are then they’d never get there.

7. You are never too old for leotards

Never were truer words spoken.

P.S this got me so effing excited.

....sigh

 

drooooool..... 

Also major apologies for lack of updates recently, I promise to write more for y'all when all is calm.

Big love, 

Dollface.

Fashionistas

One of my top T.V formats is the humble makeover show. In ANTM the best episode is always the hairdresser one and despite being squeamish I’ll watch scenes upon scenes of plastic surgery- just because I like the whole transformation aspect, an ugly person emerging from their chrysalis as a butterfly. It’s totes cathartic.

My fave fave fave sub-branch of this movement is the fashion makeover- and today I’ll be assessing the titans of the genre.

1. Gok Wan

It seems as if everything this man touches turns to gold right now- with two successful T.V. enterprises under his belt (How To Look Good Naked and Gok’s Fashion Fix) it looks as if he can do no wrong. 

Well, I dig his approach, he’s nice and approachable and does the tit-grabbing thing. His own ensemble is a little bland though and I can only watch the programme half the time seeing as I generally don’t like seeing women naked- and especially not old women.

Furthermore, he uses too many accessories. Gok likes ‘em to jingle.

2. Trinny and Susannah

I LOVE THEM I LOVE THEM I DO I DO.

I want them back :( they did the tit-grabbing thing first and there’s no beating a partnership. Gok doesn’t have a Trinny to his Susannah plus he doesn’t really know about being a woman, how could any man really know?

When What Not To Wear was on I’d watch it every week without fail. They had such classic hopeless cases on there and they’d do them a whole wardrobe and teach them how to shop in the future.

This is my plea to you, BBC- revive WNTW with T&S.

3. Lisa Butcher and Mica Paris

Who are you?

Trinny and Suze MADE What Not To Wear.

4. Nicky Hambleton-Jones

I’ll admit that I’ve not bothered to watch 10 Years Younger since Myleene Klass took the reigns, cause like… she used to be in Liberty X- and what does that qualify her for? Nothing.

Clothes pay only a minor role in this programme- although I suspect that after a decent haircut they probably take the most years off. The clothes are okay I guess, but it doesn’t seem like Nicky chose them herself and they only do one or two outfits- what are these unfortunates supposed to wear for the other five days of the week huh?

I read an article in the Mail about her being chucked off the show for being too old and haggard- it momentarily got me in a Daily Mail-esque uproar, but then I remembered I didn't really care. 

Furthermore, she has a really annoying voice. What IS that accent?

5. POD

If you’ve never watched Snog, Marry, Avoid you’re seriously missing out.

POD (personal overhaul device) is a sharp talkin’ CGI’d fashionista who abhors fakery.

This is T.V. at its best. Who doesn’t want to see layers of tartrazine coloured foundation stripped from the faces of women who wear more makeup than clothing. Although, all the over-gothed candidates seem to get let off cause they’re “individual”- I’m sorry but they’re no better than their tarted up counterparts.

But POD, I can tell they all wear wigs in the “after” shots.

Commit to the goddamn makeunder! 

Brace Yourself

On Thursday I got my braces removed after two years of having them.
Here’s me before:

During:

Here’s me now:

My teeth feel really big and really smooth and I feel so American- it’s totally sketchy. I think my braces actually suited me and now I feel plainer than a schoolgirl in a hoody, jeggings and ugg boots.

 Also before you say anything I am well aware that I am a little old for braces but I sucked my thumb til I was 12 and they made me wait ages.

Braces aren’t seen much in the media as they are usually a bit of an adolescent thing and rich people can afford to get invisible ones. But you know, they feature in the lives of many people so I thought I’d talk about famous brace wearers.

1. Currently the most well-known metalmouth and someone who I am constantly compared to, hopefully because of my smarts and not cause’ve her name- is Ugly Betty.

When the programme started Betty was often mocked for her big blue braces, (which I am super jealous of cause they didn’t let me have colours) but soon it all calmed down and even Mark and Amanda accepted her for who she was. But in the last series they totally copped out and gave her a make-over which ended in her getting her braces off.

Betty; you were my last comrade in orthodontia and you’ve left me behind. Frankly I am disgusted.

2. Willy Wonka as a kid in the latest Charlie and the Chocolate Factory film.

I’m totally glad I never had a headset or any teeth out or those elastic band things.. seeing this makes me glad my teeth issues were minor.

3. Miley Cyrus.

There are various highly zoomed in pictures of Miley’s molars where people have speculated that she has braces. I’m not sure if the rumours are true but it is my belief that as she tries so hard to embody the average American teen in both her T.V. show and in her image for real life, she should have had normal braces; not these high-tech high-cost invisaline undercover braces.

My sexy NHS pair didn’t do me so badly, although they totally ruined my double life as a teen pop sensation and gave me away as being behind Susanna Alabama. Pahaha. 

rofl. Yours faithfully, 

Simon Cowell II