Blondes Have More Fun, Like Obviously!

Okay basically this post is going to come across as borderline Hitler Jugend so *insert some ‘I’m not racist but’/ ‘I have ethnic minority friends’ bullshit here* but anyway.. as the official favourite black person of the white people Mrs Beyonce-Z has proven; anyone can be blonde if they try!

Blondes are the best! They just are so stop arguing you brunette naysayer. 

You want reasons? Well I’ll bloody give them to you. 

1. There is an effortless glamour you gain upon becoming blonde. Someone name me a glamourpuss who wasn’t blonde. 

2. Blondes are MARTYRS to their cause. Do any of you realise how much becoming blonde hurts? The stuff you have to slather all over your scalp just BURNS and plus it smells horrid, and the stench stays in your hair for a few washes. Basically, if your blonde hair dye doesn’t burn and gas you out of the bathroom then it just isn’t working. 

3. Blonde is the only colour that doesn’t look totally tragic when your roots come through.. well.. up to a point, when it gets past an inch you’re edging towards looking like you dyed your hair with a bowl on your head. Not fierce. 

4. all the best pop stars are blondes.

-Madonna (obviously) 

-Debbie Harry 

-Britney 

-Lady Gaga (I know she’s blue or something nowadays but screw that!) 

-Dusty Springfield 

-Dolly Parton 

-Cyndi Lauper 

-Stevie Nicks 

(wish I could get a picture for all of these beauties) 

5. you know who wasn’t blonde? 

This guy 

Oh oh and this girl who by the way I think totally did it 

LOL.

xxxxxx

‘Vintagey’ and the Anachronism

Okay. I was watching the 2010 film ‘Submarine’, and I was trying to work out when it was supposed to be set. Which I've noticed has become increasingly difficult to do nowadays. I can’t remember the last time there was a new fashion trend that wasn’t a revival of something else, and it’s more and more common for people’s interiors to be deliberately kitsch and oldy-worldy.

At first you only see them in a school~ and school doesn’t change much so I was still pretty clueless. They’re wearing duffel coats though so I’m either thinking it’s modern and a bit hipster or maybe the 50s. Anyway. I see them walk past a P reg car- so AHA it must be modern.

I Wikipedia it anyway. So it’s set in 1986 then?

Why put a P reg car in plain view, I don’t even drive and I know that’s a late 90s registration.

They make so much effort to tint the picture a little sepia and show the main character using a typewriter and Polaroid camera. Then they just go and put something on screen that just SCREAMS nineties and it totally ruins my suspended disbelief.

[P.S I watched ‘One Day’ last month and Sturgess in ‘1997’ drinks out of an Ikea mug I bought LAST YEAR- but to complain about that would just be pedantic.. right?]

Sometimes I wonder why filmmakers bother to set films which you wouldn’t class as a period drama in the past… it always seems so much effort to make them convincing, and often a narrative will work just as well set in 2011 as if it was set in 1986.

There’s a post on UltraCulture (good blog btw) vis a vis this attitude in Spielberg’s Super 8.

Are the noughties (we’re not in the noughties any more are we.. we’re in the teens? Or something… who knows) really that unattractive for us? People are forever extolling the virtues of the past, whether it be the 60s, 70s, 80s or even the 90s- all are seen as idyllic. My mother told me the other day that if she had a small child nowadays she would not feel as safe letting them out as she did with me and my younger siblings from 1992 onwards.

I don’t think it really is more dangerous today. We just hear about it more.

I don’t want to think that one day I’ll feel almost ashamed of growing up in the 90s/early 00s. How will I show my future children (lol) what life is like now when all the photos we take are put through ridiculous hipstamatic/instagram filters, and all the films I’ve seen recently that aren’t the most vapid of romantic comedies are set in the past, or even worse.. are just remakes of pre-existing films; and music is just samples and covers and rip-offs.

NOTHING IS ORIGINAL ANYMORE

I am a Terrible Person

I really suck. I am a genuinely dire person and there are a lot of things that I am truly awful at. Today’s post is a list of my failings. Maybe I’ll list my talents at a later date.

Maybe.

Walking

I can’t walk properly and I’ve ruined every pair of shoes I’ve ever owned. I drag my feet and trip over all the time.

It’s gone beyond being salvageable after a trip to the cobblers. I bought these shoes at the end of November.

Washing

I tried to wash my nice white French Connection shirt, and now it’s lilac.

Tidiness

This is my desk, it’s a total bombsite. And I have no shame either, I let people into my room when it looks a helluva lot worse than this. Filth.

Sympathy

I find it really hard to be sympathetic to people. My friend just told me she burnt her hand and my reply was “hahah fool” jeesh I’m cruel. If I burnt my hand I’d expect at least a non-sarcastic “awwr you poor thing”

Having a forehead

Look at it, it’s three effing centimetres high.

In the words of HRH Tyra Banks- it’s a threehead.

Batty Girl

Okay, I just read this and the long and the short of it is that people, especially young people consider the music tastes of a potential partner to be an important factor in whether they’ll get with them. Which draws me to a conclusion I’ve reached time and time again- I am a gay man trapped inside a woman’s body.

My tastes in music go something like this: Cher, Prince, Madonna, Kate Bush, Dolly Parton, The GoGo’s, Beyoncé, Musicals, Lady GaGa, Disco generally and ABBA. (enjoy the youtubes) 

If I was to find a straight man that was into all that even I’d probably think he was a crafty butcher.

My hobbies too tend to bend towards the festive persuasion: singing, miming that I am singing, cats, glitter, Glee, watching reality T.V. shows (not x-factor but the good ones like ANTM and RuPaul’s Drag Race), cocktails and dressing up.

You may remark that these are not so much the activities of the friends of Dorothy, but rather typically female leisure pursuits. So perhaps I should become a Todger-Dodger.  But I just couldn’t… the thought of women *shudder* --

Furthermore, many of my friends… perhaps most of my friends are fruity. I didn’t do it on purpose, I befriend them then BAM the closet flies open and they’re in there dressed in multicoloured glitter and neck scarves/plaid.

Even my first boyfriend, alas- is gay.

If only my six year old self knew better than to fall for someone just cause he liked Barbie the same as I did… (luv you bby boi)

All this inadvertent association with the rainbow crowd has turned me into a massive Fag Hag. Basically, to those not down with the lingo- Karen from Will & Grace.

And I’ve always wondered, am I alone in this? Is it a real syndrome? Can I call it gender-sexual-dysphoria and get a programme made on me for channel 4?

Does this happen to men? Do any of you think you’re psychological lesbians? Should I start a support group?

Actually, I kind of love it. And to quote the great Tyra Banks, it’s totally “fierce”.

(and fyi I’ve included a lot of links for definitions to all the lulzy euphemisms and nicknames I’ve used throughout this, I hope I’ve widened your vocabulary)

love you all,

xx

a big shout out to all my sassy gay friends: especially the mohawked one who has no shame and asked me to do this. ok i love you all, but especially you.

furthermore

Advanced Gastronomy with Nigella Dollface: Tinker's Toast

I'm going to show you how to make the best toast in the world--
Oh, I see that little know-it-all smirk, you think you can already do it hey?
NO. You are not capable. Stop getting ideas above your station.

This is a family recipe passed down through at least three generations- Grandad, Papa, Me. And I reckon Grandad learnt it from his dad but I can't exactly fact-check because he is sadly deceased.
Anyway. It is essentially a toasted marmite sandwich but if I don't show you all exactly how these two slices of perfection are achieved I know you're just going to try and do it your own way and make a total pigs ear of it- then think i'm crazy.
Also don't look away if you hate marmite, the same goodness is possible with jam, honey or marmalade.

Step One
Get out two slices of bread. White/brown it doesn't matter- there's no discrimination here. But it must be bog-standard sliced bread; no fancy bloomers or farmhouse loaves, throw that posh muck to the pigeons.

Step Two

Butter said slices- not too much butter or you'll mess it up and also have a coronary. I don't care whether you use real butter, margarine that you can't believe isn't butter or any other form of faux butter, just butter the damn slices. I'm using Co-op Olive Spread, it's quite nice.

Step Three

Spread one of the slices with marmite/a spread of your choice. With marmite it is important you give it a decent covering, all over, because that one covering is going to eventually cover both slices. Don't take the mick though because too much marmite is revolting.

Step Four

Now place one slice on top of the other, butter on marmite. I always wipe my knife on the top as a kind of signature or something.. 

Step Five

Place both slices into one slot of the toaster. This is why it's important to use thin bread.

Step Six

Turn on the toaster. Put it on a setting for it to be nicely browned- even if you're like me and prefer your toast blonde you must trust me, this only works with a good crunch.

Step Seven

Remove toast from toaster. 

Step Eight

Cut into triangles, it's the best way.

Step Nine

Now you will see that this process has created a revelation in toast-craft. The outside is crisp and the inside is gooey and moist and totally melt-in-the-mouth. 

DEVOUR. 

paha you can see my brace indents.. 

Bon appetit!

also please feel free to comment and tell me how it went if you tried, i'd be glad to hear feedback.

Catnip

I don’t know how many of you are going to be appalled or shocked in any way by this but..

I’m a cat person.

There’s no two ways about it- I yearn for the rough burn of a sand-paper tongue on my face, the warm love-fuelled vibrations of guttural purring and even the fishy aroma of my baby’s breath is enough to make my heart sigh.

Ay me! I miss my cat too much.

And judging by the popularity of LolCats I’ve deduced that the people of the Internet are cat people too.  

(we'll just pretend like those other people don't exist- ugh! -dog people- *shudder* ) 

Anyway.. I’ve decided to share with you a selection of my favourite feline-related “lulz” available online. 

CHEEZBURGER

The original website is a stalwart Internet classic, but this link is to their Youtube channel. It's a solid choice if you're after cuteness in abundance- N.B- if you only have time for one video: kitten riding tortoise is the pièce de résistance of this channel.

CATS THAT LOOK LIKE HITLER

Self explanatory.

PUSSIES GALORE

An excellent documentary following three self-confessed crazy cat ladies.. it's somewhat how I envision my future..

INFINITE CAT

Click “next cat” again and again until your clicker breaks or the mesmerising felines lull you into a stupor that lasts until you are awakened by true love’s first miaow! 

109 CATS IN SWEATERS
Late addition to this post but <3

MARU 

This is my favourite video on the internet, I have never seen anyone fail to be roused by this magnificent specimen.

The whole channel's a winner if you're into Engrish and curious cats. I mean, this cat has some strange strange habits.. 
Conspiracy Theory: by how avidly his owner documents said habits I have sufficient reason to believe that Maru was specially trained from birth. I want to know how.

And I think I'm in love with Maru's owner. Seriously.

KITTEN WAR

Okay, I've preached on here before about life not being a beauty pageant but when judging on aesthetics means you get to drool over beautiful balls of fur then I'm all for it..

CATS IN WIGS

Cruel? Funny? Beautiful? I'm not sure but this book is definitely on my Christmas list.. 

Don't judge me just cause I like cats more than people ;) 

xx

I dedicate this post to Robot Wars, as I pilfered most of this from him; you know who you are. 

Having Very Long Hair

 If you know me you’ll know that I have very long hair; it’s often the first thing people notice about me and when people forget my name I am “the one with the hair”.  so I thought I’d do a FAQ thing about it.

First of all here's me- this is from last year but I always look the same 

Why is your hair so long?

Now, despite it somewhat defining me, I’m very laissez-faire with my hair- it is so long because I can’t be bothered to go to a hairdressers. Plus, they tend to take get a bit over excited at my hair and take ages trying to do stuff to it, and having my hair brushed in public is really embarrassing.

Has your hair always been that long?

This is a stupid question seeing as obviously I didn’t come out of the womb with it. I, like everyone else, had short hair as a young girl but I wanted to grow it so I’d look like a princess.. then I never stopped.

D'aww (and if you couldn't guess it was me from my angelic attire- i'm the blonde one)

How did you grow it so long? Mine gets to about here *gesticulates* then it stops growing! It’s so unfair! Waaaah!

Erm, your hair doesn’t just stop growing. Nutter. It got so long because I get my hair cut once or twice a year and you go every six weeks- duh.

Does it take you ages to wash and dry it?

Well, this is a weird one cause I’m not really aware of how long it takes people with short hair- since I’ve had long hair since I was about six. I try and wash my hair every other day to keep costs down and it takes me 20 minutes for a whole shower usually, is that normal? I don’t know. And I don’t use a hair-dryer; I’ve always ignored the risk of catching my death of cold (has anyone ever actually done that) and sleep with wet hair.

You ever tempted to cut it all off?

I actually quite frequently am but then I wuss out. I am definitely getting it all chopped off by my thirtieth birthday though, greying long hair is depressing and makes you look older.

Can I play with your hair?

No, just no.

You’re so lucky to have long hair

(I know this isn’t a question)

Yeah, I guess I am lucky that my circumstances haven’t forced me into selling my hair (yet). But seriously, I think I am- it’s kind of nice being stopped by old people because they want to give you compliments and tell you “I had hair just like you when I was a girl” although it is a bit creepy when they stroke it. I’m flattered but that’s weird.

I hope this was interesting for you, I never wrote the word hair that many times before. Crazy stuff.

p.s I thought I’d leave this as a treat:  if you’re dead bored read all the sections- I don’t know who this guy’s audience is supposed to be but they seem to be pretty “special” also he really hates barbers, like REALLY hates them. They’re constantly trying to sabotage his hair growth agenda.