Monday, 31 January 2011

Things What You May Have Not Already Have Known About The US of A

1.     Southerners will get mad if you call them a Yank.
Behind his "southern hospitality" smile lies a will of iron and the ability to become crazier than a shit-house rat. Now that's a varmint I wouldn't like to see someone get crazier than; if you know what I mean.
2.     Sideburns are named after the U.S. Civil War General, Ambrose Burnside.
I would.
3.     They call noughts and crosses tic tac toe.
4.     The reason New York has the best pizza and bagels in the world is because of the water (allegedly).
5.     This isn’t really about America but this video is hilar:

6.     Btw I’m not cheating and just googling “facts about America” these are all coming from my brain.
7.     Bulk buying Sudafed is illegal cause they use it to make crystal meth- we don’t have crystal meth here really and I for one am glad it’s not crossed over the pond. We’ll have Madonna but you can keep the drugz. 

Do not want.
8.     They call taps faucets.. I learnt this from Uncle Buck.
9.     God this is a difficult list.
10. They spell words like dialling and modelling with only one L like dialing and modeling. But then they do get the chance to do competitive spelling which I am so jealous of it's unreal- think of all the prizes I could have won!
11. Erm.. they have pageants for little children and they truss them up like little prostitutes and stick these fake teeth on so they don’t look like they only have baby teeth. You should definitely watch Toddlers & Tiaras on DMAX if, like me, you have a sick fascination with this kind of stuff.

12. Apparently Makenzie is an acceptable first name over there; it isn’t even frickin’ spelt right.
13. They also have guns. Lots of them. The right to bear arms is very important to them- and did you guys see all the puns related to this when Michelle Obama kept wearing sleeveless dresses? I don’t really know how that was deemed newsworthy but it somehow was. 
She has both guns and the right to bare arms

14. They call this # a pound sign- I’ll give you a pound sign, £££££££ THIS is a pound sign.
15. Everything is cheap in America because they don’t have a top-notch public healthcare system like we do.  In the US you have to be a millionaire to get sick. True story. 
Then again, they get Greg House (although tbh he should be ours as Hugh Laurie is a bona fide brit- actually he's fictional, so what do I care?)
16. I don’t actually know that much about America.

I'm not 100% sure if 100% of this is 100% accurate but I hope I've taught y'all something.

Wednesday, 26 January 2011

Gratuitous Lesbianism

Okay okay, before all of you ladylovers jump down my throat- it is not the intention of this post to be anti-scissorsister or anything, if anything it is pro-lesbianism because I’m trying to strive for equality here.
Today, I am going to be commenting on a device I’m seeing more and more of in modern cinema; the sudden and incongruous instances of straight female characters making out- and it adding nothing or very little to the storyline. I actually somewhat enjoyed all of the films mentioned below, but I think this issue needs to be addressed in each of them. Because I feel there has to be a more sophisticated way to attract male viewers to these films- and that men should really be credited with a little more intelligence.

P.S- as the lesbianism is SO POINTLESS there are actually very few spoilers below, but if you’re dead pernickety I guess that there are indeed spoilers.

1. Jennifer’s Body

I’m aware this film is kind of awful but I sorta liked it as a tongue in cheek horror-comedy.
 Both Jennifer and Needy are portrayed as straight girls throughout the film- neither expresses any interest in homosexuality until about half way through the film when Jennifer breaks into Needy’s bedroom and they make out. The fact that Needy has a boyfriend and Jennifer is a total man-eater is paid no credence and they proceed to have a long, slow, breathy session of tonsil tennis. More screen-time is dedicated to Jen and Needy pashing than any of the real turning points of the plot. Why is it so preposterous to expect a man to want to watch a film with a female character majority without them hooking up? I mean, I’ve watched and enjoyed plenty of man-heavy films with no gay makeouts whatsoever.

2. Black Swan

Black Swan is quite brilliant, and there’s no denying that; so why the sudden lezzing huh?
And is it any co-incidence that, just as in Jennifer’s Body- this takes place in the middle of the film- just as those with a short attention span might be tempted to let their mind wander? I think not. And to be honest, there’s already enough wank fodder in Black Swan without it- it’s a little absurd that it’s included.

3. Cruel Intentions 

This is probably my favourite of the three films, if you haven’t watched it- you totally should.
YET: Cruel Intentions has a legitimate gay sub-plot which actually plays an important role in shaping the main storyline- yet we see no physical man-on-man action, and there is a lot of shame surrounding the whole thing. But again, it is deemed acceptable for a lesbian kissing lesson to take place between two straight characters in a public park.  I am by no means implying that acts of gay love shouldn’t grace the silver screen- but when they do, I think there should be equality between gay men and lesbian women. 
(Though, it did win, and probably deserve the MTV award for best kiss- it was a good'un)

And boys, I’d just like to add (I’m probably screwing up your schoolgirl-themed wetdreams here) but I never learnt to kiss by kissing another girl- it was kind of a dead private kissing the back of your hand kind of thing. And I guess it’s the same for most chicks, sorry.

Saturday, 22 January 2011

Love and Marriage

A conversation I’ve had again and again with my female friends almost since we were old enough to talk is about who’d we’d marry and what our wedding’s going to be like. We’ve all been nuptually fixated before we knew what sex was or even realised that boys weren’t actually made of slugs, snails and puppydog tails. 
FYI: this was the most sexist film I've seen released this side of the millennium
And of course, if you’re a brit you’ll know the hype at the moment is all about the new series of My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding being shown on Channel 4; so yesterday when I was schmoozing with the girls it all came up again.

I have somewhat complicated views on marriage, as it seems my family has been cursed to divorce ever since it’s been socially acceptable.

Usually, when someone asks me about getting married I tell them that I don’t plan to, and that two people can lead a perfectly happy and healthy relationship without tying the knot.  Anyway, I couldn’t be fussed with the whole buying a wedding dress too small for me and crash dieting myself into it debacle.

But secretly, inside I have a crazy yearning to become a character in a Lawrence novel, the downtrodden wife of a miner, living in a two-up, two-down terraced cottage with our four children, who spends all day cooking and washing the family’s linen with a mangle only for my husband to come home from the mine, snatch the jam jar I kept the money for little Louisa’s new hobnail boots in, and go down the pub and spend it all on drink. Later he’d come home and beat me senseless because there were lumps in the custard at dinner.

I’m not sure whether this is a genuine fantasy of mine or just the product of a deep-rooted wish to lead a more literary life- or perhaps it’s just my masochism coming through.

Why is being beaten such an attractive prospect for me?

Friday, 21 January 2011



Also major apologies for lack of updates recently, I promise to write more for y'all when all is calm.

Big love, 


Saturday, 15 January 2011

Money, Money, Money

To quote the great Agnetha, Bjorn, Benny and Anna-Frid:
Ahaaaaaaaha, all the things I could do if I had a little money-
 My last post was about people with money, so today I’m going ponder what’d happen if I was suddenly to come into a vast fortune.
Oh, and by the way this is just about what I’d get for myself- of course I’d give the surplus to –insert cause here- because I just care so much about –said cause-.

The day I got the money
Of all the money I’ve ever earnt in my life- I’d say 1/5th of it has gone on buying electronics, 1/6th on socialising, 1/10th on makeup and the rest has probably been spent on clothes.
 So if past behaviour is anything to go by, I’d probably go out with a friend and buy loads of beautiful clothes. Cause you’d never go out and buy stuff you actually need on your first day of being loaded, would you?

Second day of being minted
I’d probably get a Blackberry- I know I take the mick of all you people with nice phones- but as beautiful as my phone is:

It’s not the most functional thing in the world and it just loves to crash. 
Also I’d probably buy Cadbury’s today- I heard some woman complaining on the radio about how it’s not a British-owned company anymore, how preposterous! I’d buy it back from Kraft, but mainly because I want to push the development of calorie-less chocolate, rather than any patriotism.

Third day
Now’s the time to set myself up for life. I’d by myself a beautiful townhouse in Chelsea and get some lackey to do all the dĂ©cor. I’m having this wallpaper:

In the kitchen and I reckon I’ll get one of those snazzy red Magnet kitchens I keep seeing in adverts. Furthermore, it is also imperative that I have my own library, complete with kitsch chintz armchairs and a librarian. As even though I’m now a billionaire I still want to pass my degree.

I will also get a Nissan Figaro in Barbie pink and a driver to drive me round town in it.

Wow, this is all I can think of to buy with an endless fortune. I guess my aims are more modest than I first thought.
But sometimes I’m watching MTV cribs and the people on it all seem to have such sad little lives in their huge empty houses. Why would you need more than one car or one television just for yourself?

Oh and I forgot, I’m going to get Xzibit and all the guys at West Coast Customs to pimp my Figaro out. Cause I want footrests with T.Vs in them. 

Thursday, 13 January 2011

People With Money

Okay yeah, I’m a student in London, and mainly I skulk about in studenty places: but occasionally I must travel vast distances across the capital and have to take the tube. Not only is this fascinating to me cause I’m still a bit excited by being underground but it allows me to get uncomfortably close to a sub-section of society I don’t tend to see much of; people with real jobs.

I feel quite lazy with this blog of late: and lists are easy to write- so here’s another list, which this time will comprise of all the things that get me riled up about these rarely-criticised blissfully employed city-slickers.

1. That woman in a full suit with expensive running shoes on.
There is a grave conflict of interests here. Either you’re a businesswoman who wants to be taken seriously, or you’re a woman who is going running and never the twain shall meet. Fair’s fair if you’re so driven and efficient that you’re going to take a run in your lunch break, but darling, you’re wearing a pencil skirt, you’re going nowhere fast- despite your top of the range Oasics trainers. You may say to me that high-heels are impractical for the journey home, but my love, this is what ballet flats were invented for. Nowadays you can even get ones that will roll up small and fit into your briefcase- so why are you lugging a pair of trainers back and forth to work? It throws off the whole sharp, hard-nosed Geschäftsfrau look you’ve got going on. You look like a total mug.

2. That man reading the Evening Standard on his iPad.

When did public transport lose its reputation for being a magnet to shifty customers and pickpockets, cause honestly- if I wasn’t so distinctive looking so I’d have a chance to get away- I’d twock that iPad right out of your hands.
Furthermore- the Evening Standard is free, there’s always about thirty copies hanging about per tube carriage. Don’t make us chop down all those trees for nothing! Read the physical paper for Christ’s sake!

3. That unfortunate looking woman with the beautiful Mulberry handbag.

If your makeup, hair and clothing are all heinously bad- why do you torment me with your delicious arm-candy? If your aim was to distract from how grim the rest of you is; you’re actually making your image worse as- in truth, it serves the opposite purpose by creating a contrast between the Frankenstein’s monster of the rest of your outfit and the perfectly-crafted demi-god hanging off your left arm. I’m going to make you an offer here, I will dress you so that you can finally look half decent if you hand over the Mulberry. I promise you I will treasure it forever and pass it onto my grandchildren. Please?

Saturday, 8 January 2011


I’ve decided to write today’s post along a similar vein to the last one; deal with it.

Today as I was traipsing home after a night of merriment and mayhem I decided to actually look at the people in the bus station. I saw some kid with too much fringe wearing this:

I was under the impression that My Chemical Romance and being “emo” evaporated when I turned fourteen, but obviously this isn’t the case.
So today I’m going to talk about the important fashion movements that have happened in my life.

1. Grunge

Well, I think I was far too young to appreciate grunge back when it was happening.

2. Plastic
When I was about six everyone except me had one of these:

but in neon colours and saying SPICE on the back. My mother said they were tacky. She also said this about clothes from Tammy Girl. In my eyes it was all so chic and I was seriously missing out.

I did end up with some cool foam platform sandals though and I wore them to death.

3. Shakira
This video:

sparked a semi-pornographic frenzy of leather and hipster jeans. Age-suitability aside, I was set on becoming as sexy as Shakira. I never really reached the sexy heights of this Colombian belly-dancer- I just kind of looked like an idiot in clothes that didn’t fit me in a halter-neck and jeans made for curves.

And with the birth of low-rider jeans came the birth of love handles and a builders bum/visible thong.


4. Chav
This was another craze I wasn’t really allowed to participate in. Mum said velour tracksuits with juicy written on the arse were too slutty for a 12 year old. Sometimes I thank the lord my mother dressed me until I was thirteen.  

I never really had the attitude for it either. Seeing me describe things as minging/blinging was pretty pathetic.

5. Emo
FINALLY! A craze where self-harming was an outfit addition.
I look stupid with a fringe and my ass is too big for skinny jeans, I left it to the pros.

5. Scene Kid
Aesthetically, I liked this better than Emo, but the people who were the most into it all were massive twats.
‘Coon Tails anyone?

Jack Wills, Hollister, Abercrombie & Fitch.  The holy trinity. I couldn’t afford it and I thought the clothes were hideous beyond belief. And I don’t wear hoodies/tracksuits outside of my own home.

7. I Found This in a Bin.
I’m not sure what to call this trend. But y’all know what I mean.
Is it grunge come full circle?

I think I’ve got this up to modern day- if I’ve missed any major trends out just tell me and I’ll amend it.
And just FYI at the moment I’ve decided to bring Yuppie into the 21st century. It’s gunna be the next big thing I swear. 

Thursday, 6 January 2011


One of my top T.V formats is the humble makeover show. In ANTM the best episode is always the hairdresser one and despite being squeamish I’ll watch scenes upon scenes of plastic surgery- just because I like the whole transformation aspect, an ugly person emerging from their chrysalis as a butterfly. It’s totes cathartic.

My fave fave fave sub-branch of this movement is the fashion makeover- and today I’ll be assessing the titans of the genre.

1. Gok Wan

It seems as if everything this man touches turns to gold right now- with two successful T.V. enterprises under his belt (How To Look Good Naked and Gok’s Fashion Fix) it looks as if he can do no wrong. 
Well, I dig his approach, he’s nice and approachable and does the tit-grabbing thing. His own ensemble is a little bland though and I can only watch the programme half the time seeing as I generally don’t like seeing women naked- and especially not old women.
Furthermore, he uses too many accessories. Gok likes ‘em to jingle.

2. Trinny and Susannah

I want them back :( they did the tit-grabbing thing first and there’s no beating a partnership. Gok doesn’t have a Trinny to his Susannah plus he doesn’t really know about being a woman, how could any man really know?
When What Not To Wear was on I’d watch it every week without fail. They had such classic hopeless cases on there and they’d do them a whole wardrobe and teach them how to shop in the future.
This is my plea to you, BBC- revive WNTW with T&S.

3. Lisa Butcher and Mica Paris

Who are you?
Trinny and Suze MADE What Not To Wear.

4. Nicky Hambleton-Jones

I’ll admit that I’ve not bothered to watch 10 Years Younger since Myleene Klass took the reigns, cause like… she used to be in Liberty X- and what does that qualify her for? Nothing.
Clothes pay only a minor role in this programme- although I suspect that after a decent haircut they probably take the most years off. The clothes are okay I guess, but it doesn’t seem like Nicky chose them herself and they only do one or two outfits- what are these unfortunates supposed to wear for the other five days of the week huh?
I read an article in the Mail about her being chucked off the show for being too old and haggard- it momentarily got me in a Daily Mail-esque uproar, but then I remembered I didn't really care. 
Furthermore, she has a really annoying voice. What IS that accent?

5. POD

If you’ve never watched Snog, Marry, Avoid you’re seriously missing out.
POD (personal overhaul device) is a sharp talkin’ CGI’d fashionista who abhors fakery.
This is T.V. at its best. Who doesn’t want to see layers of tartrazine coloured foundation stripped from the faces of women who wear more makeup than clothing. Although, all the over-gothed candidates seem to get let off cause they’re “individual”- I’m sorry but they’re no better than their tarted up counterparts.

But POD, I can tell they all wear wigs in the “after” shots.
Commit to the goddamn makeunder! 

Monday, 3 January 2011

Long Live VHS

This is the entertainment centre in my room:
The Holy Trinity of A.V pleasure.

And here is my argument for the inclusion of the now all but defunct VHS player.
1. Price
I got my VHS and TV for free cause they were going spare in my house. (the DVD’s been “lent” to me by a friend but I don’t think she’ll be getting it back any time soon) so, strictly speaking- it was all kostenlos.
Unlike other out-dated entertainment equipment, (*cough*record players) VHS machines aren’t trendy in a retro way yet- so people are consistently throwing these sorts of TVs and video players out, and you can probably pick them up at a jumble sale for almost nothing.
Furthermore, the videos themselves are available for pennies from charity shops; this baby was part of a three for a pound deal.

If you’re after more obscure films (I’ll admit the selection at charity shops is somewhat limited) you can buy them off Amazon for 1p (+£2.75 P&P of course) which is, nevertheless, still a bargain.

2. You Probably Already Own Some of The Best Films Ever Made In This Format

One word- Disney.
The DVDs retail for a tonne of money nowadays and I fo’sho can’t afford that.

3. Modern Films
They’re rubbish. Who wants to watch Avatar or Twilight when you can watch this:

Other titles in my library include: Bridget Jones, Romeo and Juliet, Amelie, The Wedding Singer, The English Patient, Sleepless in Seattle, You’ve Got Mail! and many other classics. All purchased for a pittance.

4. Charm
There’s something special about having a stack of videos up against your wall. DVDs could never compete with their skinny spines- they barely have enough room for legible text or some artwork: chunky is beautiful.

You might complain about the fuss of rewinding a VHS after viewing.
I actually like the whole ritual- I find the clunking and whirring reassuring. DVDs are too quiet for me; plus you can’t beat fast-forwarding the ads and not being forced to read about the dangers of piracy.

They are lovely and sturdy, if you look after a VHS it’ll last you forever. DVDs seem to get scratched if you breathe on them funny.

VHS mafia represent.