MADONNA!

OH EM GEE! It’s totaaaally Madonna’s birthday today! I know she’s probably far above googling herself, but if one of her ‘people’ is reading this right now- tell her Dolly says hi!

 Anyway, it goes without saying that Ms Ciccone is the most beautiful and stylish person on earth. So today I’m gonna share some tips to help you achieve some modicum of her awe-inducing FINESSE.

1. Let your roots show on purpose

"You look so good with blond hair and black roots its like not even funny."

 It’s dirty. And dirty is sexy.

2. It’s never too late to re-invent

It’s hard to argue that Madge isn’t the queen of re-invention. Cause well. Is there any look she hasn’t rocked?

4. Love your copy-cats

 

a) Madge actually looks better than gaga here, 30 year age difference or not.

b) She should be flattered

c) The woman who is often hailed as the most original dresser in pop rips off Madonna's look all the time- which obviously makes M a frickin' deity.

5. Cradle-snatching doesn’t make you look old it makes you looks SEDUCTIVE AS HELL

3. It’s all about the eyebrows betches.

6. Draw attention to your lady-bits

If your outfit shouts I AM A WOMAN or alternatively- LOOK AT MY VAGINA/TITS, then no man is immune. Men are dead stupid, if you didn’t let them know where the main attractions are then they’d never get there.

7. You are never too old for leotards

Never were truer words spoken.

P.S this got me so effing excited.

Eurovision

Hey girls and gays! I was going to write this yesterday but Blogger was down… no fun!

So tomorrow it’s that time again, no, not the 133^rd anniversary of Vaseline first being sold, it’s EUROVISION, silly!

Now, the reason for my over-use of exclamation marks is that, of course- I love it! For me, it is better than Christmas, there’s all the camp fun and merriment but none of the expense/family members that still think you’re six.

This year is especially exciting for me as it is being held in the country where dreams are made- GERMANY!

look, I know it's in Düsseldorf and not Berlin but I haven't got any pictures of me near any Düsseldorf landmarks. Sorry.

Britain’s offering this year is pretty poor (Blue) and frankly Ireland isn’t looking to improve on its record seven Eurovision titles with Jedward.

But then again nowadays I only ever look to Eastern Europe to produce the real Eurovision gems. They just take it more seriously in countries where they don’t often get to have their own international pop stars. Plus they seem to have no shame when it comes to OTT pageantry.

Many people choose to criticise the show and say it’s not about the music and it’s mainly about European politics. But HELLO Germany won last year and nobody really likes them (except me) so that point is null and void.

Here is a concise list of my favourite things about Eurovision and why you should TOTALLY tune in tomorrow night:

1. The outfits

2. The national pride, not really for us but for the other countries. I mean, it’s quite something to see Bosnia and Herzegovina really representin’.

3. The hosts. They are so cringe but I so love it.

4. Graham Norton does the voice over in the UK.

5. The general WTFs

The blind woman from Georgia's 'Peace Will Come' was a TRIUMPH

6. The people who talk when they collect the scores, I do a cracking impersonation of them. Ask me when I’ve had a few too many.

7. Some pretty amazing songs have come about as a result of the Song Contest. Bucks Fizz anyone? 

Or even better, ABBA.

8. It’s gayer than Elton John and David Furnish shopping for pink be-spangled scatter cushions to adorn their chaise longue.  So like. Pretty damn gay. And it’s not cast into the abyss of 2 AM broadcasting *COUGH* RuPaul’s Drag Race *COUGH* Channel 4.

9.  Playing guess the capital cities. Okay this is lame and super geeky but I like knowing that Tallin is the capital of Estonia okay?

10. Did I mention the outfits?

Non-Participant

I’ve decided to write today’s post along a similar vein to the last one; deal with it.

Today as I was traipsing home after a night of merriment and mayhem I decided to actually look at the people in the bus station. I saw some kid with too much fringe wearing this:

I was under the impression that My Chemical Romance and being “emo” evaporated when I turned fourteen, but obviously this isn’t the case.

So today I’m going to talk about the important fashion movements that have happened in my life.

1. Grunge

Well, I think I was far too young to appreciate grunge back when it was happening.

2. Plastic

When I was about six everyone except me had one of these:

but in neon colours and saying SPICE on the back. My mother said they were tacky. She also said this about clothes from Tammy Girl. In my eyes it was all so chic and I was seriously missing out.

I did end up with some cool foam platform sandals though and I wore them to death.

3. Shakira

This video:

sparked a semi-pornographic frenzy of leather and hipster jeans. Age-suitability aside, I was set on becoming as sexy as Shakira. I never really reached the sexy heights of this Colombian belly-dancer- I just kind of looked like an idiot in clothes that didn’t fit me in a halter-neck and jeans made for curves.

And with the birth of low-rider jeans came the birth of love handles and a builders bum/visible thong.

Hot.

4. Chav

This was another craze I wasn’t really allowed to participate in. Mum said velour tracksuits with juicy written on the arse were too slutty for a 12 year old. Sometimes I thank the lord my mother dressed me until I was thirteen.  

I never really had the attitude for it either. Seeing me describe things as minging/blinging was pretty pathetic.

5. Emo

FINALLY! A craze where self-harming was an outfit addition.

I look stupid with a fringe and my ass is too big for skinny jeans, I left it to the pros.

5. Scene Kid

Aesthetically, I liked this better than Emo, but the people who were the most into it all were massive twats.

‘Coon Tails anyone?

6. LOOK AT THE NAME ON MY CHEST

Jack Wills, Hollister, Abercrombie & Fitch.  The holy trinity. I couldn’t afford it and I thought the clothes were hideous beyond belief. And I don’t wear hoodies/tracksuits outside of my own home.

7. I Found This in a Bin.

I’m not sure what to call this trend. But y’all know what I mean.

Is it grunge come full circle?

I think I’ve got this up to modern day- if I’ve missed any major trends out just tell me and I’ll amend it.

And just FYI at the moment I’ve decided to bring Yuppie into the 21^st century. It’s gunna be the next big thing I swear.