Sunday, 10 June 2012

R.I.P. Long Time No Dig


Hello friends, I know I haven't written in a very very long time (no dig) BUT it is not in vain!
I have begun a new project, an online magazine called Not My Type.
I promise that it'll be just like this blog but more polished and funnier.
PLUS it's not just me that's going to be writing, but keep the faith- i have handpicked only the creme de la creme to do my bidding.
So with all these positives, what could be the catch?

Well.. you can't read any of it just yet.

NMT launches on the 1st of July but in the meantime it would mean so much to me if you could like and share its facebook page- it's going to be where I post all upcoming news etc
please keep in touch! follow my new venture! I'll be using my real name and EVERYTHING!

http://www.facebook.com/notmytypemag

like like like my little angels!

Friday, 16 December 2011

Culinary Christmas Crisis

Xmas food is the worst. Like really- people rave about it during the festive season.. but it’s stodgy, over spiced and sometimes just plain disgusting.

1. Advent calendar chocolate.
You thought I wouldn’t be able to bitch about chocolate? Well you thought WRONG.
The entirety of a bog standard Cadbury advent calendar weighs 111g
A small dairy milk bar is 49g
If I said to you “make 2.26 small dairy milk bars last 24 days” you’d tell me to shut the hell up, that isn’t even a square per day.
EXACTLY
And they have ridiculous foil packaging that is a total struggle to get into- lord knows how men/lesbos with short nails get into them.
and another thing, they're always so misshapen and unrecognisable as having any resemblance to what they are supposed to look like. vile. 


2. Obligatory ‘food/drink you get when you visit elderly relatives’
namely: mince pies and mulled wine
HORRIBLE. JUST HORRIBLE.
Have you any idea what goes into mincemeat?
Absolute shite, that’s what. Suet? You betcha. Orange peel? Sure thing.
Basically, if you wouldn’t voluntarily put something in your mouth in any other season, it’s shoved inside mince pies for you to enjoy at Christmas. Mmm.
And mulled wine is just the cheapest plonk imaginable warmed up and mixed with a delicious blend of potpourri .
BACK OFF WITH THOSE VILE PIES!!!!


3. Christmas Dinner
Turkey is a dry, unappetising meat at the best of times, but when it’s piled high on a plate so over-loaded it looks as if a light gust of Christmas wind might overbalance it, it is at its most revolting.
Usually public heath warnings are totally ignored by the British public: smoking, drinking and unprotected sex all remain popular pastimes, no matter what the government tell us. But for some reason, those broadcast about the dangers of undercooking your turkey have actually taken root and every mum, dad and dinner lady has decided they might as well roast their bird to kingdom come, nuking away every last modicum of flavour, texture or moisture that was there to begin with. After which, you are left with something resembling a slice of firm polystyrene, and tasting much the same.
so, are you a leg or a breast man? YOUR SON IS EIGHT YEARS OLD, LEAVE HIM ALONE


4. Christmas Pudding
Christmas pudding and its slightly drier sister Christmas cake are two of the season’s worst offenders for pure putridness.
They just taste horrible.
It’s almost indescribable how repellent I find them.
Let’s just say there’s a reason that you have to put money in the centre of a Christmas pudding- because there’s always some bugger willing to foul their taste buds for cash.
I'd rather eat the rat.

5. Bubble and Squeak
This boxing day ‘delight’ takes my prize for being the most abhorrent food, not only of the festive season- but of THE WHOLE YEAR.
Every year as a child I was forced to eat at least one of these patties of what is fundamentally fried Christmas vomit. A trial I got through only by totally dousing each one with a torrent of ketchup.
Only now, as a wise adolescent, do I realise the true reason I found B&S so utterly loathsome. It is because it merely consists of the leftovers of what is already a trainwreck of a meal. So what it mostly is, is whatever your family hates the most- which in my case was always brussel sprouts.
Not the texturally offensive, but mostly tasteless turkey
Not the crunchy/soft delicious nuggets of roast potato.
Not the sweet and earthy rounds of carrots
And certainly not the juicy meaty little fingers of pigs in blankets
but the most rancid of all veg- those horrid little cross-bottomed green balls of terror. A veg you can usually get away with not eating on xmas morning itself, but when it’s incognito, mashed up and shaped into something else the next day- there is no escape.
who would actually part with money for this crud?

Urgh I feel a bit sick.

Anyways. I hope you enjoyed my critique of the worst food season of the year.
Do you agree? Please tell me you all haven’t completely lost your mind! 

Tuesday, 6 December 2011

I'm Bringing Sexy Back

KK bbz. Ages ago I put a poll up on the LTND facebook page asking what y’all wanted me to write about, and as all my readers are horny teenagers the overall jist of it was that you’re after SEX, SEX and more SEX.


And as I cba to track down any people of interest from weird forums… (which I am willing to do again if you liked my previous posts) so I thought I’d just write about what I think is HOT and what I think is NOT.


And for the record, contrary to what this post’s title may have you believe- Justin Timberlake is NOT.


HOT


1. man smell


2. singing talent- not entirely sure why but a boy that can sing really gets my juices flowing, if you’ll pardon the expression


3. subtlety- being super forward is actually really creepy. Especially when I’m on my own… AWRIGHT DARLIN WASSA NICE GAL LIKE YOU DOIN IN A PLACE LIKE THIS? Trying to get from A to B without being accosted by cockney dickheads who think that’s a good line, thank you very much. I do like clever chat up lines though.. seriously I collect them. Ask and I’ll collate a list on here.


4. people who read


5. buying me stuff- K I’m totes a modern woman but who doesn’t like presents?
what can i say, i was into boys at a young age


NOT


1. accents- I find them so distracting


2. being grinded on in da club- just because I am in da club doesn’t mean you can rub your dick on me, brah.
yeah i always go out clubbin like dis bby boi. it getz me al da attenshin
3. people who ask if I’m a lesb then when they find out I’m not ask the person they asked for my number. As you might be able to tell this actually happened to me. What the helling fuck?


4. long fingernails- OMG this should have been number one. Men with long nails make me want to VOM VOM VOM all night long. So what if it’s ‘for guitar’ it’s still horrible.
get some clippers, bitch.


5. people telling me they’re in possession of an XXL baby snake. FORREAL?! I just met you. I’ll tell you my opinion on that if I ever see it, but now you’ve raised that point I don’t think that’s going to be likely.
me on my hen night... LOL


OHHHHH and the best one. Don’t talk to me if you’ve ever referred to yourself as a ‘lad’. Well unless you’re Scottish but that conflicts with the whole accent thing so it’s still better to steer clear of me.


Do you agree with me? If you do share this with all ur potential new boyfriends... or if you think I'm chatting shit, tell me so in the comments or on facebook.. 
CIAO BAMBINININININS

Saturday, 3 December 2011

SO SORRY

Hello babycakes… sorry for being a bad mother.. I didn’t mean for social services to intervene- I’ve missed you and I’m here to make it up to you.
YES I know I’ve been bad
YES I know you’ve been nagging me to get on with writing
YES I know for those of y’all who aren’t acquainted with me I.R.L it might seem like I’ve completely slipped off the radar
I literally have a coaster of this.


BUT the bitch is back. I gave you up for the bright lights of student radio (har de har har) but I realise that I’ve been fickle and the world of audio broadcasting possibly isn’t for me –let’s face it, my stutter and asthmatic rasping don’t make for an appealing listen- and frankly I feel stifled. Having to chat using my real name makes me feel naked… I want to be the chauvinist pig I truly am; which I can only do under the thin guise of my secret identity.
Although to be perfectly honest, I’m sure most of you know who I am.. I even revealed my real name to my stalker/number one fan- [<3 u julian]


Anyway. I kind of ran out of things to talk about, and I’ve had a few distractions, but my time off means I can come back in full force, with lots of ideas for things to write about…


So. What happened in my absence?
LONG TIME NO DIG turned one! Yaaaay!
Halloween
Some students protested. It annoyed me.
Nick Hewer (Alan Sugar’s aide from the ‘prentice) was announced as the new host of Countdown
Some woman did a racist tram rant in Croydon
CHRISTMAS FEVER SWEPT THE LAND
My laptop broke.. apple quoted me £305 to fix it but it miraculously resurrected itself before I parted with the £££££.. (could my laptop be Jesus?)


Well… I hope that brought you up to speed..


This is just an apology for now, I’ll write a proper post soon and hopefully you’ll all love me again and stuff <3 <3 <3


I LOVE YOU

Wednesday, 12 October 2011

Feminist Guilt

I am a feminist.

There.
I said it.
I even put it in bold for you.

On occasions the reactions received from outing yourself as one are not dissimilar to those you might get from admitting to voting BNP or I don’t know, not believing in global warming.
wow. offensive.
Why could this be? In my mind a feminist is not discriminatory or ignorant… rather they are forward thinking and egalitarian.

Last year in a seminar, our tutor asked for people to raise their hand if they considered themselves to be a feminist. Out of close to fifteen people, me and maybe one other person did- she asked us why we were and I said “everyone should be one, shouldn’t they?”

If I said the F word to you (feminist, not fuck) and asked you to picture one, I doubt you’d think about someone like me …
I’m young, I’m straight, and I look a bit like Barbie.
Not middle aged, not a butch lesbian; I don’t have a buzzcut, although I do have that certain ferocious demeanour.
I think that it’s about time that these sorts of preconceptions are QUASHED.

Anyone can be a feminist, old, young, gay, straight, male or female.

Perhaps some women use feminism as an excuse to be man-haters, and that has coloured your view on them. But as far as I’m concerned to be a feminist means only that you believe in equality between men and women, so everybody should support it- ESPECIALLY women themselves.

You can be a feminist and wear makeup, you can be a feminist and have sex for money, and you can even be a feminist without insisting people refer to you as a ‘womyn’.
Seriously.. I google 'feminist' and THIS comes up!!!! bleedin eck! (and no that wasn't a menstrual pun)
I feel that a lot of young women see Feminism as some kind of embarrassing taboo- but the fact is that even nowadays the average British male wage continues to surpass the female one by 16%, despite girls generally outperforming boys at GCSE and A Level.

So girls, let me ask you this, would you be happy to be paid less than a man for doing an identical job?
If you answered no- welcome to the magical world of Feminism!


Unfortunately that isn’t really the case Bey. 

Tuesday, 4 October 2011

Blondes Have More Fun, Like Obviously!

Okay basically this post is going to come across as borderline Hitler Jugend so *insert some ‘I’m not racist but’/ ‘I have ethnic minority friends’ bullshit here* but anyway.. as the official favourite black person of the white people Mrs Beyonce-Z has proven; anyone can be blonde if they try!
Blondes are the best! They just are so stop arguing you brunette naysayer. 
You want reasons? Well I’ll bloody give them to you. 
1. There is an effortless glamour you gain upon becoming blonde. Someone name me a glamourpuss who wasn’t blonde. 

2. Blondes are MARTYRS to their cause. Do any of you realise how much becoming blonde hurts? The stuff you have to slather all over your scalp just BURNS and plus it smells horrid, and the stench stays in your hair for a few washes. Basically, if your blonde hair dye doesn’t burn and gas you out of the bathroom then it just isn’t working. 

3. Blonde is the only colour that doesn’t look totally tragic when your roots come through.. well.. up to a point, when it gets past an inch you’re edging towards looking like you dyed your hair with a bowl on your head. Not fierce. 

4. all the best pop stars are blondes.
-Madonna (obviously) 
-Debbie Harry 
-Britney 
-Lady Gaga (I know she’s blue or something nowadays but screw that!) 
-Dusty Springfield 
-Dolly Parton 
-Cyndi Lauper 
-Stevie Nicks 
(wish I could get a picture for all of these beauties) 

5. you know who wasn’t blonde? 

This guy 
Oh oh and this girl who by the way I think totally did it 

LOL.
xxxxxx

Saturday, 1 October 2011

Slob Tips: Maximum FINESSE Minimum Effort

Today as I was lying in bed watching Will & Grace, I thought to myself- I am amazing at this.
Yes, I am a great slob. There’s more to being a super slovenly couch potato than you might think. Most of the work involved comes from pretending not to be one.
So here’s my guide to looking fabulous without breaking a sweat.
Here’s me before:NOTE I haven't done any lame editing on these pix, this is GRITTY JOURNALISM right here.

The first and most important objective is to pretend you’re capable of complying with the expected levels of basic human cleanliness.
Now, me personally- I hate washing, I only have a shower here and who wants to stand up for a whole 10 minutes. Not me!
Here is my basic toolkit of pristine pretence.

If your teeth are clean and you don’t smell- nobody will suspect a thing.

Oh unless you have hair, which is another problem I’ve solved for you. There’s this magical stuff called dry shampoo.

1. it smells nice which adds to the whole clean fa├žade
2. it takes like 1 minute to do and you don’t have to dry your hair afterwards
3. it weirdly gives you VOLUME
aaaamazing! Just remember to brush it through your hair properly so it doesn’t look like you’ve come off worse in a fight with a bag of flour.

Oh yeah, use makeup wipes to get rid of the gack all over your face.

Then: replace the gack by throwing a tonne of makeup on your face
If you can pull it off, lipstick's fab cause it makes you look mega put together. Like a business woman or something.

Then put a hair clip in. It gives the appearance of you having done something to your hair, but is considerably less effort than putting it up.

Now, check me out. This took me from 17.21-17.38 INCLUDING posing for pictures and brushing my excessive hair.. I’m sure y’all can do quicker!

(p.s yeah I crimped my hair which is uncharacteristically pro-active of me, but it looks FEROCIOUS doesn’t it?)

You’re now ready to go out and pull lots of fit guyssss, or as I’m about to do; have dinner with a couple of homo hotties. 
Ciao ciao betches.