Tuesday, 30 August 2011

FRESHERS

Hey guys! Looks like it’s that time of year again!
Pretty much everyone in the year below is on the cusp of leaving mummy for the first time cause it’s the last chance they’ll have to do it on the cheap.
Ikea’s already choc full of spotty teenagers wondering whether two plates’ll be enough, and a substantial number of eighteen year olds are being kept awake at night plagued not by the anxiety of leaving everyone they’ve ever known to go and live with complete strangers/possible psychos- but by the conundrum of how they should go about naming their cutlery.
Seeing as I came out of my first year alive, and plan on going back to university for more- I thought I should write some spiel about being a fresher.
Innit.

1. Be nice to everyone
Okay, so everyone at home knows and loves you as that bitch with a rapier tongue and dry wit- but you’re not going to make any instant friendships like that. Pretend to be pleasant. At least until you find like-minded people.
You should remember that most people come to university knowing nobody, and so will be eternally grateful for someone saying ‘want to grab a liquid lunch with me?’ and who knows, they could be your new best friend! Or a total drip. But you never know, you could be put in a seminar group with them and be begging to borrow their Hamlet notes in a few months time.
Such wholesome looking students! NOTE: you will never look like this, your clothes won't see an iron until you go home for Christmas and you'll probably run out of money for the washer anyway, plus that acne you thought you grew out of when you were 14, well- it'll be back. With a vengeance. 

2. Remember to bring your paperwork
You’ll survive at university if you forget to bring most things, they can be bought/borrowed if needs be. But one thing that is ABSOLUTELY CRUCIAL is your documents.
You don’t want to be stuck with no student loan cause you’ve left your letter on your bedside table back home.
AAHH WHAT'S MY BLOODY SORT CODE
3. Communal living
Don’t leave anything you don’t want to be stolen in the kitchen.
Students are notorious kleptomaniacs; they’re the human version of raccoons I swear!
I thought I had done alright at the end of last year, only to find when I’d moved into my new place that someone had run off with my tin opener! Cheeky!
This goes for food too- leave stuff in the fridge and someone will steal it, ESPECIALLY milk.


4. Freshers flu
After a week of solid drinking, drugs and debauchery you’re going to get ill. Your parents aren’t telling you to eat properly so you’ve probably been getting the main part of your nutrient intake from drink. And let me just tell you that just cause J├Ągermeister tastes like cough medicine, it doesn’t mean it’s any good for you.
This is why it’s important to bring pills with you, waking up on Sunday morning with a throbbing headache is only made worse when you realise it’s not morning. It’s 4.15 and Sainsbury’s is now closed.
Pack as many boxes of paracetamol as you could possibly fit in your washbag.
You WILL use them.
Seriously, who takes pills like this?

Okay, I’ve not mentioned some common sensy things, but here they are just in case you’re a total idiot.
-carry condoms on you at all times, universities are not the hallowed halls of learning they appear to be- they are PITS OF DISEASE
-girls: see all those clothes you packed? Leave half of them at home
-remember to bring chargers with you- good luck telling your mother you’ve forgotten your phone charger when the battery is already dead.
- for god’s sake… read the goddamn books. You only need 40% to pass first year but that’ll come a lot easier if you at least know basic outlines!

(Oh, and take a look at this list for what you should bring with you, it's pretty good)

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