Friday, 16 December 2011

Culinary Christmas Crisis

Xmas food is the worst. Like really- people rave about it during the festive season.. but it’s stodgy, over spiced and sometimes just plain disgusting.

1. Advent calendar chocolate.
You thought I wouldn’t be able to bitch about chocolate? Well you thought WRONG.
The entirety of a bog standard Cadbury advent calendar weighs 111g
A small dairy milk bar is 49g
If I said to you “make 2.26 small dairy milk bars last 24 days” you’d tell me to shut the hell up, that isn’t even a square per day.
And they have ridiculous foil packaging that is a total struggle to get into- lord knows how men/lesbos with short nails get into them.
and another thing, they're always so misshapen and unrecognisable as having any resemblance to what they are supposed to look like. vile. 

2. Obligatory ‘food/drink you get when you visit elderly relatives’
namely: mince pies and mulled wine
Have you any idea what goes into mincemeat?
Absolute shite, that’s what. Suet? You betcha. Orange peel? Sure thing.
Basically, if you wouldn’t voluntarily put something in your mouth in any other season, it’s shoved inside mince pies for you to enjoy at Christmas. Mmm.
And mulled wine is just the cheapest plonk imaginable warmed up and mixed with a delicious blend of potpourri .

3. Christmas Dinner
Turkey is a dry, unappetising meat at the best of times, but when it’s piled high on a plate so over-loaded it looks as if a light gust of Christmas wind might overbalance it, it is at its most revolting.
Usually public heath warnings are totally ignored by the British public: smoking, drinking and unprotected sex all remain popular pastimes, no matter what the government tell us. But for some reason, those broadcast about the dangers of undercooking your turkey have actually taken root and every mum, dad and dinner lady has decided they might as well roast their bird to kingdom come, nuking away every last modicum of flavour, texture or moisture that was there to begin with. After which, you are left with something resembling a slice of firm polystyrene, and tasting much the same.
so, are you a leg or a breast man? YOUR SON IS EIGHT YEARS OLD, LEAVE HIM ALONE

4. Christmas Pudding
Christmas pudding and its slightly drier sister Christmas cake are two of the season’s worst offenders for pure putridness.
They just taste horrible.
It’s almost indescribable how repellent I find them.
Let’s just say there’s a reason that you have to put money in the centre of a Christmas pudding- because there’s always some bugger willing to foul their taste buds for cash.
I'd rather eat the rat.

5. Bubble and Squeak
This boxing day ‘delight’ takes my prize for being the most abhorrent food, not only of the festive season- but of THE WHOLE YEAR.
Every year as a child I was forced to eat at least one of these patties of what is fundamentally fried Christmas vomit. A trial I got through only by totally dousing each one with a torrent of ketchup.
Only now, as a wise adolescent, do I realise the true reason I found B&S so utterly loathsome. It is because it merely consists of the leftovers of what is already a trainwreck of a meal. So what it mostly is, is whatever your family hates the most- which in my case was always brussel sprouts.
Not the texturally offensive, but mostly tasteless turkey
Not the crunchy/soft delicious nuggets of roast potato.
Not the sweet and earthy rounds of carrots
And certainly not the juicy meaty little fingers of pigs in blankets
but the most rancid of all veg- those horrid little cross-bottomed green balls of terror. A veg you can usually get away with not eating on xmas morning itself, but when it’s incognito, mashed up and shaped into something else the next day- there is no escape.
who would actually part with money for this crud?

Urgh I feel a bit sick.

Anyways. I hope you enjoyed my critique of the worst food season of the year.
Do you agree? Please tell me you all haven’t completely lost your mind! 

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