Sugar Daddies

When a girl’s down on her luck- it’s always an option to ensnare someone rich and elderly, get them to put a ring on it then wait it out til they kick the bucket.

I mean, if Anna Nicole Smith can do it so could I! We’re both voluptuous blondes with a penchant for stripping after all.

But, I don’t quite think I could. Anyone over forty makes me think of my father and that’s all a bit Freudian and unnerving. I don’t even usually find older celebrities attractive.. George Clooney is forty-nine for Jesus’ sake amen!

(look at those crows feet)

They probably are all wrinkly and syphilis-ridden underneath their clothes- I don’t care if they have more “experience”- they probably started out pre-the existence of condoms! I can't imagine how so many girls do it- and how many men think they can get away with it.. I’ve been leered at by many a geriatric in my time. (and it isn’t just men, we met an old lady in a mobility scooter who offered Mohawk a lift up to Manchester in her shiny new Zafira)

In my mind men are not like fine wines that only get better with age- they are glasses of milk that should be left well alone once they’re past their best.

What do you all think? Boys are you into cougars? Was this what Meatloaf was singing about when he’d do anything for love but he won’t do that?

Comment with any responses? Tell me if I am normal!

EDIT: Oh! I forgot, there is one exception.. Don Draper mmm he's so beautiful. Also James Bond in the books.

The Time Warp

I was watching a programme on iplayer (Turn Back Time: The High Street) and this, combined with watching another programme on 4OD (Time Warp Wives- and yes I’m aware that I watch too much TV) has planted an idea seed in the compost of my mind.

I think I was born in the wrong era. People say this all the time but they’ve not looked at it from all angles, could they really live without facebook, the Xbox or Primark? I realise I’m criticising these people whilst writing a blog- but I suppose in the olden days I’d have written for the Parish Newsletter or something. Anyway, the time in which I think I’d feel most at home is during the second world war, perhaps the fifties or sixties would be trendier but my reasons are as follows:

Fashion

Back then a woman was a woman; they wore dresses never trousers (love it) red lipstick (double love it) and medium-height heeled shoes (practical). They were comparably modest ensembles, not too much chest or legs; perfect, I'd have been the cat's meow. 

Check these ladies out:

Men

Whilst many of our men would have been sent off to the front, I’d be willing to make that sacrifice if they all looked that dashing in their uniforms. Also, towards the end of the war we had American GIs come over- and flirting with British women was a common pastime for them.

Music

The music was just so good! Lots of brass and crooners, no awful twanging and wailing like nowadays. And the best part of the music was the dances people held to keep up morale! I’d have loved to learn to jive, lindy hop or swing.

Food

For most people, WW2 food would be a turn off.. there wasn’t much of it for starters- this was the age of rationing. There wasn’t much meat, sugar, butter or eggs and many other necessities ran short- but there were a lot of carrots, and guess what? Carrots are my fave.

Women’s Lib

While the men were at war women had to take up their jobs; so it was quite common to become a WREN, part of the Women’s Land Army, work in munitions factories or be a bus conductress. I think I’d have liked to do something like that, I’d have never been a VAD though, I’m too afraid of blood.

All in all I’d have been a jolly good sport during the war; I think it’d be worth dodging a few bombs for. 

Batty Girl

Okay, I just read this and the long and the short of it is that people, especially young people consider the music tastes of a potential partner to be an important factor in whether they’ll get with them. Which draws me to a conclusion I’ve reached time and time again- I am a gay man trapped inside a woman’s body.

My tastes in music go something like this: Cher, Prince, Madonna, Kate Bush, Dolly Parton, The GoGo’s, Beyoncé, Musicals, Lady GaGa, Disco generally and ABBA. (enjoy the youtubes) 

If I was to find a straight man that was into all that even I’d probably think he was a crafty butcher.

My hobbies too tend to bend towards the festive persuasion: singing, miming that I am singing, cats, glitter, Glee, watching reality T.V. shows (not x-factor but the good ones like ANTM and RuPaul’s Drag Race), cocktails and dressing up.

You may remark that these are not so much the activities of the friends of Dorothy, but rather typically female leisure pursuits. So perhaps I should become a Todger-Dodger.  But I just couldn’t… the thought of women *shudder* --

Furthermore, many of my friends… perhaps most of my friends are fruity. I didn’t do it on purpose, I befriend them then BAM the closet flies open and they’re in there dressed in multicoloured glitter and neck scarves/plaid.

Even my first boyfriend, alas- is gay.

If only my six year old self knew better than to fall for someone just cause he liked Barbie the same as I did… (luv you bby boi)

All this inadvertent association with the rainbow crowd has turned me into a massive Fag Hag. Basically, to those not down with the lingo- Karen from Will & Grace.

And I’ve always wondered, am I alone in this? Is it a real syndrome? Can I call it gender-sexual-dysphoria and get a programme made on me for channel 4?

Does this happen to men? Do any of you think you’re psychological lesbians? Should I start a support group?

Actually, I kind of love it. And to quote the great Tyra Banks, it’s totally “fierce”.

(and fyi I’ve included a lot of links for definitions to all the lulzy euphemisms and nicknames I’ve used throughout this, I hope I’ve widened your vocabulary)

love you all,

xx

a big shout out to all my sassy gay friends: especially the mohawked one who has no shame and asked me to do this. ok i love you all, but especially you.

furthermore

Poets and Hos

I am currently sat in the library writing an essay on a couple of poems; one of which is an imagined exchange between a Victorian prostitute and an old friend from the barton- if you're aware of what a barton is then you'll already know that yes, it is Thomas Hardy- and if you’re interested it’s called The Ruined Maid.

Anyway, I wanted to procrastinate but not entirely deviate from the topic. Therefore, today I’m going to grapple with the mammoth issue of having sex then getting paid for it, or- being a ho.

When prostitution and the media converge one of two things result, and you’re either going to be watching:

a) A news report or documentary about hookers getting murdered

or

b) A drama about a fictional prostitute

It all gets a bit serious when talking about real life events, so we’ll look at the portrayal of the fictional harlot.

Secret Diary of a Call Girl

Last year for some unbeknownst reason (I’m thinking it’s most likely the huge amount of sex on show) Secret Diary of a Call Girl starring Billie Piper became extremely popular amongst my friends. For those of you who don’t know, it is a series based on a blog of a high-end London call girl called Belle du Jour and it also the most watched programme on ITV 2.

As the programme is supposed to be based on a blog which is supposed to be an accurate depiction of the life of an escort, I have many issues with it.

1. Firstly, it makes prostitution out to be perhaps the most glamorous profession you could possibly get in to. Belle usually proffers her services to rich, distinguished looking, well-mannered, handsome and for the most part young, men.

WHAT

Are the production team even aware of what a prostitute is? It is a service for men who have to pay for women to sleep with them. If they were rich and handsome they’d have no problem getting some even if they were married. There are plenty of women out there who’d have no scruples with having them for free.

2. There is very little danger in Belle’s life, even if the client is somewhat kinky it’s always in a cutesy way with riding crops, fluffy hand-cuffs etc.

WHAT

A prostitute runs six times the chance of being murdered in her job than the average for every other profession. Plus men really want to “get their money’s worth” so they can end up bound and beaten.

3.Belle controls her own hours and the sex takes place in either her beautiful flat, top-end hotels or at lavish sex parties.

WHAT

How rich are these fricking men, not only are they paying, presumably by the state of her home, a lot of money for the privilege of sleeping with her- but they also put her up in hotels? And these sex parties, I mean come on, how many can really exist? In this current economic climate how what man can afford to employ a team of prostitutes all in special outfits to entertain their chums… also do men really want to have sex in close proximity to their friends.. isn’t that a bit.. pervy?

4. She leads a double life the whole time, at first none of her non-prozzie friends know what she does.

WHAT

How do you explain your nice clothes, house, stuff, sex preparation room etc to your friends without really telling them what you do? And don’t they realise that you’re in all day sleeping so you can “do the night shift”? This is crazy ITV I mean she has some cover story about being a secretary.. but that is totally incongruous with how she lives! Jeesh. Also the neighbours would be have to be totally oblivious to not be bloody suspicious about visitors and her comings and goings.

You’re all going to tell me to shut up with the ranting but this really grinds my gears. Nearly as much as poor spelling or ugg boots do.

Anyway, ciao babies. 

Royal Weddings

Earlier this week Prince William and Kate Middleton announced their long-awaited engagement. I for one, am super-psyched for the wedding.. I am such a crazy royalist and I love a party, and only once in a blue moon do the two combine.

So in today’s musings I’ll be going all “Four Weddings” and assessing the dresses of a selection of royal nuptials from the last 170 years.

Queen Victoria and Prince Albert: 1840

Victoria and Albert were very much the Posh and Becks of their time; everybody wanted to be them. So of course it was only natural that their wedding was one of the most lavish occasions of the era.

Victoria was a young bride at only 21 and looked ravishing in a white satin gown, adorned with orange flower blossoms and a flounce of  the finest lace that had ever been seen. And Prince Albert (who, I must admit is possibly my biggest historical crush) donned a field marshal’s uniform (mmm and who doesn't love a man in uniform?)

Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip: 1947

Two years after the close of World War Two saw the marriage of our current monarch, and isn’t she a stunner.

Elizabeth, like her great-great-great-grandmother, also wed at 21- my favourite addition to her Norman Hartnell ensemble is the diamond tiara. And the best part of this wedding was that it was televised!

Prince Charles and Lady Diana Spencer: 1981

This ceremony was billed as the “the wedding of the century”, and whilst the marriage itself was short-lived, they definitely put on a show.

Lady Di’s dress was made of silk taffeta, decorated with lace, hand embroidery, sequins, and 10,000 pearls, and had a 25-foot train of ivory taffeta. This dress is a bit much for me, but, then again- this was the eighties.

Prince Charles and Camilla Parker-Bowles: 2005

Prince Charles’ 2^nd wedding was somewhat overshadowed by the recent death of Pope John-Paul II. Plus it was only a civil ceremony and the Queen didn’t even go. What a cop-out. Plus they barely even acknowledged the public!

I think Camilla looks nice though, classy and reserved in both of her wedding outfits. 




I'm expecting great things from Kate and William, and they better not let me down! What do you lot think?

Student Money Saving Tips

I'm a tight-fisted miser and proud, and why shouldn't I be? I have money and you all have none. Follow these five key principles and live the life of a king:

1. Get yourself on the mailing list for Martin’s Money Tips, he collates all the deals and vouchers available online and in newspapers/magazines. There are all sorts, from online shopping to restaurants and magazine freebies. He’ll even advise you as to how much you’d have to spend in order for it to be worth it: for example, if you had 10% off H&M online you’d have to spend at least £30 for it to be worth it if the delivery is £3.

2.     Student discounts: ask if you can get money off whenever you try and buy something. At McDonalds you can get a free cheeseburger/hamburger/McFlurry if you buy a meal and present a student card; by my reckoning you can probably feed two people for under a fiver if you buy a large meal, have the free burger and split the chips and drink. If you have an NUS card you can get even better discounts, the most useful ones (in my opinion) are those for Amazon and Superdrug.

3.      Don’t be afraid to complain: if you’re not happy with something- go and give them a piece of your mind! One time I found a bit of plastic in a pizza at Frankie and Benny’s and we got the whole meal for free, all five of us.  Sending letters of complaint is also a good method to get vouchers and free stuff.

4.    Shop/cook in groups: everyone knows that it’s cheaper to buy in bulk and it also enables you to take advantage of buy one get one free and 3 for 2 deals. Alternatively, buy lots and freeze what you’re not going to immediately use. Also don’t shop while you’re hungry- cause you’ll just buy a load of junk food you don’t actually need.

5.     Take advantage of 2^nd hand stuff: if you need something, try asking if anyone in your family/friends have an old one you can have, or check out charity shops. Your Nan probably has a spare toaster or drying-rack hanging about and you’ll get it for free unless she’s a total stinge.

Hope you find these useful and they help you all to be super prudent and thrifty. 

Advanced Gastronomy with Nigella Dollface: Tinker's Toast

I'm going to show you how to make the best toast in the world--
Oh, I see that little know-it-all smirk, you think you can already do it hey?
NO. You are not capable. Stop getting ideas above your station.

This is a family recipe passed down through at least three generations- Grandad, Papa, Me. And I reckon Grandad learnt it from his dad but I can't exactly fact-check because he is sadly deceased.
Anyway. It is essentially a toasted marmite sandwich but if I don't show you all exactly how these two slices of perfection are achieved I know you're just going to try and do it your own way and make a total pigs ear of it- then think i'm crazy.
Also don't look away if you hate marmite, the same goodness is possible with jam, honey or marmalade.

Step One
Get out two slices of bread. White/brown it doesn't matter- there's no discrimination here. But it must be bog-standard sliced bread; no fancy bloomers or farmhouse loaves, throw that posh muck to the pigeons.

Step Two

Butter said slices- not too much butter or you'll mess it up and also have a coronary. I don't care whether you use real butter, margarine that you can't believe isn't butter or any other form of faux butter, just butter the damn slices. I'm using Co-op Olive Spread, it's quite nice.

Step Three

Spread one of the slices with marmite/a spread of your choice. With marmite it is important you give it a decent covering, all over, because that one covering is going to eventually cover both slices. Don't take the mick though because too much marmite is revolting.

Step Four

Now place one slice on top of the other, butter on marmite. I always wipe my knife on the top as a kind of signature or something.. 

Step Five

Place both slices into one slot of the toaster. This is why it's important to use thin bread.

Step Six

Turn on the toaster. Put it on a setting for it to be nicely browned- even if you're like me and prefer your toast blonde you must trust me, this only works with a good crunch.

Step Seven

Remove toast from toaster. 

Step Eight

Cut into triangles, it's the best way.

Step Nine

Now you will see that this process has created a revelation in toast-craft. The outside is crisp and the inside is gooey and moist and totally melt-in-the-mouth. 

DEVOUR. 

paha you can see my brace indents.. 

Bon appetit!

also please feel free to comment and tell me how it went if you tried, i'd be glad to hear feedback.