Dyke Dilemma

Dear Dolly,

I've been struggling with my sexuality for about 5 years now and I just can't find a way of telling people I'm a lesbian? I shaved my head just to hint to people, and I have piercings all over my face but I'm STILL getting hit on by guys? If things don't improve soon then I'm afraid I'm just going to have to do something drastic like buy a hoodie or a pair of cargo pants? Please help me.

Dear Buzzcut,

This may seem like a controversial tactic but you could just pretend to be a man, I mean, with your current look you need only take off your bra and stuff your knickers. There are two advantages to this, 1. most men will stop hitting on you, 2. you may just pull a straight woman. When you're engaging in dykey activities (eating at vegetarian restaurants, buying plaid shirts or drinking guiness) just pop on a wonderbra and pull out your gusset padding and you're golden. You won't be the only lesbian trying this one out, I mean, one of my favourite games is 'is this a gay man or a lesbian?' it's hard to tell sometimes- I'd check for an adam's apple before hitting on that totally cute chick that looks a bit like Justin Bieber.

Good luck!

Dolly.

Need advice? email longtimenodig@mail.com

Dear Dolly

Dolly:

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imagine me as an agony aunt
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NUT UP OR SHUT UP BITCH


Tina Colada:
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HAHAHAHA!!


Dolly:
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DEPRESSION ISN'T REAL- DEAL.


Tina Colada:
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man the FUCK up you hormonal bitch
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you think youre the only one with issues? selfish whore.
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hahahahaha


Dolly:
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HA
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omg i should get an agony aunt thing on my blog
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LOL



Tina Colada:
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omg PLEASE
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please please please!!

...

I've decided to give in. I'm going to start accepting agonies for me to aunt.

My email address is longtimenodig@mail.com

Basically I'm just going to be really horrible to you but I promise not to reveal any real names or anything like that! Scout's honour!

Please only send me genuine problems cause like, I aint got the time to be sifting through loads of crappy 'banter' innit. 

Over and out!

Dolly

xx

Dear Diary!

            In all my nineteen years of existence I’ve kept a number of diaries. Homework diaries, dream journals, datebooks, this-is-how-I’m-feeling journals and I suppose… this thing is sort of a diary (not really but I’ll admit it kind of is a bit). So I thought I’d go all meta-diary on you and tell you all about my experiences as a diarist. [totes got inspired by this b.t.w]

            When I was a small and impressionable I thought keeping a diary was the height of sophistication. Because:

a) all of my favourite American tween starlets were always pictured lying on their bed with some huge tome laid out flat in front of them, twiddling with a (usually pink and/or fluffy) pen.

b) some of the best books everrrrrrr are in diary form- Anne Frank, The Princess Diaries and what is perhaps the pinnacle of human literary achievement- Adrian Mole.

c) I did a project on Samuel Pepys at school once and he TOTES got famous from writing a diary and what self-respecting eleven year old doesn’t want to get famuzzzz.

But when I was rifling through my desk drawers the other day I came across a few of them- and I’ve come to a realisation that I am a dreadful diarist, like… really, really bad. I’m not even going to prove it by copying out an entry or two. Because well.. they are MORTIFYING. And I’d start a diary, keep it for maybe a week, then forget about it- and this cycle would just go on and on, so I have maybe ten or eleven brief diaries, all of which start with some LIFE CHANGING DILEMMA (read: omg I relly fanci a boy! Hes so gorgus! Or: omg my parents r the worst everrrrrrr! Or: I am so depresst, I didnt get my homework diary sined so miss put me in detenshun.)

SO. HORRIBLE.

Thankfully I grew out of this/got addicted to Bebo, so it all went away.

But guess what guys, my tormented inner child has duped me into buying a ridiculously expensive filofax. The dire diarist is back!!!!!!!! I only bought it to use for writing appointments in, but the leathery scent of its red alligator cover and the crisp paper of its creamy innards have me itching to fill it with my putridly middle-class hopes and fears.

NOTE: I didn't take this annoying mock-polaroid bullshit photo, just none of the other pictures in my search result managed to capture its true beauty.

I disgust myself.

p.s for like 2 weeks before I finally caved and bought it I pored over this website for hours on end. It totally fetishizes (fetishises?) the art of filofaxing and I admit it made me a bit tingly tingly. HOT.

Luv Dolly

xx

Funny Bitches

Comediennes (women comedians)- rare.

STRAIGHT BRITISH comediennes- close to extinct.

Discuss.

On QI Stephen asked why they don’t feature more women on their panel- and the answer was because women simply aren’t funny.

I googled 'appalled woman' and this is what I got. Deal with it.

Wait, that’s not fair!

Some of my funniest friends are women! (yes Jeff this includes you- there’s your mention, now like my facebook page you harlot) and brain-wise, of the two sexes it is women that are supposed to be the great left-brained communicators, and comedy is mostly talk, right?

Further to this women have a reputation for being a touch psychic- maybe I’m exaggerating a little but it has been proved that if you set a man against a woman in a game of rock paper scissors the woman will probably win- because as a rule are better at reading what other people are likely to do, probably as a result of some deep nurturing quality evolution has implanted deep into our genome or something. And surely being able to READ PEOPLE’S MINDS would make women better comics, cause they’d know exactly what the audience wants to hear.

But no, I actually agree with QI’s findings. The female comedians, at least the ones they put on the UK tube nowadays, as a whole just kind of aren’t funny. And why are the majority of the funny ones lesbians? There are way more straight women than lezzers. So what’s the fricking deal?!

BY AND LARGE comediennes can be placed into one of two categories:

1. Man-haters

Sarah Millican's ex-husband is possibly the most talked about subject on panel shows today.

Man-haters: as much as I love a bit of man-bashing now and again (and let’s face it, they kind of have it coming to them) by hating on men they are essentially alienating themselves from half of the population, cause I don’t care what y’all say- men are bloody sensitive, and we have to stroke and coddle their fragile little egos… d’awww. Plus- Mary mother of Jesus does it get a bit samey. It’s kind of like a male comedian doing non-stop mother-in-law jokes or waxing lyrical about how bad his wife is at driving. So dull.

2. Hopelessly stupid

To coin a phrase from the Pixies- where is my mind?

Oh, and the ditzy one. It’s just soooo slapstick. Dull dull dull dull dull! I mean, did feminism NEVER happen or something?  A woman is allowed to be witty and sharp and devastating. Women are bitchy- and that is FUNNY! But T.V women just aren’t. It’s probably why I like so many gay comics cause they have all of the bitchiness but none of the strange inhibitions women seem to have.

It's not like I don't appreciate women being put on (mainly BBC) television, it's just I think they should be on there because they are GOOD rather than because they are GIRLS.


So this is my plea to you; the British female population. Be funny. And go on television- break that glass ceiling betches! WERRRRRRRK