R.I.P. Long Time No Dig

Hello friends, I know I haven't written in a very very long time (no dig) BUT it is not in vain!
I have begun a new project, an online magazine called Not My Type.
I promise that it'll be just like this blog but more polished and funnier.
PLUS it's not just me that's going to be writing, but keep the faith- i have handpicked only the creme de la creme to do my bidding.
So with all these positives, what could be the catch?

Well.. you can't read any of it just yet.

NMT launches on the 1st of July but in the meantime it would mean so much to me if you could like and share its facebook page- it's going to be where I post all upcoming news etc
please keep in touch! follow my new venture! I'll be using my real name and EVERYTHING!

http://www.facebook.com/notmytypemag

like like like my little angels!

Culinary Christmas Crisis

Xmas food is the worst. Like really- people rave about it during the festive season.. but it’s stodgy, over spiced and sometimes just plain disgusting.

1. Advent calendar chocolate.

You thought I wouldn’t be able to bitch about chocolate? Well you thought WRONG.

The entirety of a bog standard Cadbury advent calendar weighs 111g

A small dairy milk bar is 49g

If I said to you “make 2.26 small dairy milk bars last 24 days” you’d tell me to shut the hell up, that isn’t even a square per day.

EXACTLY

And they have ridiculous foil packaging that is a total struggle to get into- lord knows how men/lesbos with short nails get into them.

and another thing, they're always so misshapen and unrecognisable as having any resemblance to what they are supposed to look like. vile. 

2. Obligatory ‘food/drink you get when you visit elderly relatives’

namely: mince pies and mulled wine

HORRIBLE. JUST HORRIBLE.

Have you any idea what goes into mincemeat?

Absolute shite, that’s what. Suet? You betcha. Orange peel? Sure thing.

Basically, if you wouldn’t voluntarily put something in your mouth in any other season, it’s shoved inside mince pies for you to enjoy at Christmas. Mmm.

And mulled wine is just the cheapest plonk imaginable warmed up and mixed with a delicious blend of potpourri .

BACK OFF WITH THOSE VILE PIES!!!!

3. Christmas Dinner

Turkey is a dry, unappetising meat at the best of times, but when it’s piled high on a plate so over-loaded it looks as if a light gust of Christmas wind might overbalance it, it is at its most revolting.

Usually public heath warnings are totally ignored by the British public: smoking, drinking and unprotected sex all remain popular pastimes, no matter what the government tell us. But for some reason, those broadcast about the dangers of undercooking your turkey have actually taken root and every mum, dad and dinner lady has decided they might as well roast their bird to kingdom come, nuking away every last modicum of flavour, texture or moisture that was there to begin with. After which, you are left with something resembling a slice of firm polystyrene, and tasting much the same.

so, are you a leg or a breast man? YOUR SON IS EIGHT YEARS OLD, LEAVE HIM ALONE

4. Christmas Pudding

Christmas pudding and its slightly drier sister Christmas cake are two of the season’s worst offenders for pure putridness.

They just taste horrible.

It’s almost indescribable how repellent I find them.

Let’s just say there’s a reason that you have to put money in the centre of a Christmas pudding- because there’s always some bugger willing to foul their taste buds for cash.

I'd rather eat the rat.

5. Bubble and Squeak

This boxing day ‘delight’ takes my prize for being the most abhorrent food, not only of the festive season- but of THE WHOLE YEAR.

Every year as a child I was forced to eat at least one of these patties of what is fundamentally fried Christmas vomit. A trial I got through only by totally dousing each one with a torrent of ketchup.

Only now, as a wise adolescent, do I realise the true reason I found B&S so utterly loathsome. It is because it merely consists of the leftovers of what is already a trainwreck of a meal. So what it mostly is, is whatever your family hates the most- which in my case was always brussel sprouts.

Not the texturally offensive, but mostly tasteless turkey

Not the crunchy/soft delicious nuggets of roast potato.

Not the sweet and earthy rounds of carrots

And certainly not the juicy meaty little fingers of pigs in blankets

but the most rancid of all veg- those horrid little cross-bottomed green balls of terror. A veg you can usually get away with not eating on xmas morning itself, but when it’s incognito, mashed up and shaped into something else the next day- there is no escape.

who would actually part with money for this crud?

Urgh I feel a bit sick.

Anyways. I hope you enjoyed my critique of the worst food season of the year.

Do you agree? Please tell me you all haven’t completely lost your mind! 

I'm Bringing Sexy Back

KK bbz. Ages ago I put a poll up on the LTND facebook page asking what y’all wanted me to write about, and as all my readers are horny teenagers the overall jist of it was that you’re after SEX, SEX and more SEX.


And as I cba to track down any people of interest from weird forums… (which I am willing to do again if you liked my previous posts) so I thought I’d just write about what I think is HOT and what I think is NOT.


And for the record, contrary to what this post’s title may have you believe- Justin Timberlake is NOT.

HOT

1. man smell


2. singing talent- not entirely sure why but a boy that can sing really gets my juices flowing, if you’ll pardon the expression

3. subtlety- being super forward is actually really creepy. Especially when I’m on my own… AWRIGHT DARLIN WASSA NICE GAL LIKE YOU DOIN IN A PLACE LIKE THIS? Trying to get from A to B without being accosted by cockney dickheads who think that’s a good line, thank you very much. I do like clever chat up lines though.. seriously I collect them. Ask and I’ll collate a list on here.

4. people who read

5. buying me stuff- K I’m totes a modern woman but who doesn’t like presents?

what can i say, i was into boys at a young age

NOT

1. accents- I find them so distracting


2. being grinded on in da club- just because I am in da club doesn’t mean you can rub your dick on me, brah.

yeah i always go out clubbin like dis bby boi. it getz me al da attenshin

3. people who ask if I’m a lesb then when they find out I’m not ask the person they asked for my number. As you might be able to tell this actually happened to me. What the helling fuck?


4. long fingernails- OMG this should have been number one. Men with long nails make me want to VOM VOM VOM all night long. So what if it’s ‘for guitar’ it’s still horrible.

get some clippers, bitch.

5. people telling me they’re in possession of an XXL baby snake. FORREAL?! I just met you. I’ll tell you my opinion on that if I ever see it, but now you’ve raised that point I don’t think that’s going to be likely.

me on my hen night... LOL

OHHHHH and the best one. Don’t talk to me if you’ve ever referred to yourself as a ‘lad’. Well unless you’re Scottish but that conflicts with the whole accent thing so it’s still better to steer clear of me.


Do you agree with me? If you do share this with all ur potential new boyfriends... or if you think I'm chatting shit, tell me so in the comments or on facebook.. 
CIAO BAMBINININININS

SO SORRY

Hello babycakes… sorry for being a bad mother.. I didn’t mean for social services to intervene- I’ve missed you and I’m here to make it up to you.
YES I know I’ve been bad
YES I know you’ve been nagging me to get on with writing
YES I know for those of y’all who aren’t acquainted with me I.R.L it might seem like I’ve completely slipped off the radar

I literally have a coaster of this.

BUT the bitch is back. I gave you up for the bright lights of student radio (har de har har) but I realise that I’ve been fickle and the world of audio broadcasting possibly isn’t for me –let’s face it, my stutter and asthmatic rasping don’t make for an appealing listen- and frankly I feel stifled. Having to chat using my real name makes me feel naked… I want to be the chauvinist pig I truly am; which I can only do under the thin guise of my secret identity.
Although to be perfectly honest, I’m sure most of you know who I am.. I even revealed my real name to my stalker/number one fan- [<3 u julian]

Anyway. I kind of ran out of things to talk about, and I’ve had a few distractions, but my time off means I can come back in full force, with lots of ideas for things to write about…


So. What happened in my absence?
LONG TIME NO DIG turned one! Yaaaay!
Halloween
Some students protested. It annoyed me.
Nick Hewer (Alan Sugar’s aide from the ‘prentice) was announced as the new host of Countdown
Some woman did a racist tram rant in Croydon
CHRISTMAS FEVER SWEPT THE LAND
My laptop broke.. apple quoted me £305 to fix it but it miraculously resurrected itself before I parted with the £££££.. (could my laptop be Jesus?)


Well… I hope that brought you up to speed..


This is just an apology for now, I’ll write a proper post soon and hopefully you’ll all love me again and stuff <3 <3 <3


I LOVE YOU

Feminist Guilt

I am a feminist.

There.

I said it.

I even put it in bold for you.

On occasions the reactions received from outing yourself as one are not dissimilar to those you might get from admitting to voting BNP or I don’t know, not believing in global warming.

wow. offensive.

Why could this be? In my mind a feminist is not discriminatory or ignorant… rather they are forward thinking and egalitarian.

Last year in a seminar, our tutor asked for people to raise their hand if they considered themselves to be a feminist. Out of close to fifteen people, me and maybe one other person did- she asked us why we were and I said “everyone should be one, shouldn’t they?”

If I said the F word to you (feminist, not fuck) and asked you to picture one, I doubt you’d think about someone like me …

I’m young, I’m straight, and I look a bit like Barbie.

Not middle aged, not a butch lesbian; I don’t have a buzzcut, although I do have that certain ferocious demeanour.

I think that it’s about time that these sorts of preconceptions are QUASHED.

Anyone can be a feminist, old, young, gay, straight, male or female.

Perhaps some women use feminism as an excuse to be man-haters, and that has coloured your view on them. But as far as I’m concerned to be a feminist means only that you believe in equality between men and women, so everybody should support it- ESPECIALLY women themselves.

You can be a feminist and wear makeup, you can be a feminist and have sex for money, and you can even be a feminist without insisting people refer to you as a ‘womyn’.

Seriously.. I google 'feminist' and THIS comes up!!!! bleedin eck! (and no that wasn't a menstrual pun)

I feel that a lot of young women see Feminism as some kind of embarrassing taboo- but the fact is that even nowadays the average British male wage continues to surpass the female one by 16%, despite girls generally outperforming boys at GCSE and A Level.

So girls, let me ask you this, would you be happy to be paid less than a man for doing an identical job?

If you answered no- welcome to the magical world of Feminism!

Unfortunately that isn’t really the case Bey. 

Blondes Have More Fun, Like Obviously!

Okay basically this post is going to come across as borderline Hitler Jugend so *insert some ‘I’m not racist but’/ ‘I have ethnic minority friends’ bullshit here* but anyway.. as the official favourite black person of the white people Mrs Beyonce-Z has proven; anyone can be blonde if they try!

Blondes are the best! They just are so stop arguing you brunette naysayer. 

You want reasons? Well I’ll bloody give them to you. 

1. There is an effortless glamour you gain upon becoming blonde. Someone name me a glamourpuss who wasn’t blonde. 

2. Blondes are MARTYRS to their cause. Do any of you realise how much becoming blonde hurts? The stuff you have to slather all over your scalp just BURNS and plus it smells horrid, and the stench stays in your hair for a few washes. Basically, if your blonde hair dye doesn’t burn and gas you out of the bathroom then it just isn’t working. 

3. Blonde is the only colour that doesn’t look totally tragic when your roots come through.. well.. up to a point, when it gets past an inch you’re edging towards looking like you dyed your hair with a bowl on your head. Not fierce. 

4. all the best pop stars are blondes.

-Madonna (obviously) 

-Debbie Harry 

-Britney 

-Lady Gaga (I know she’s blue or something nowadays but screw that!) 

-Dusty Springfield 

-Dolly Parton 

-Cyndi Lauper 

-Stevie Nicks 

(wish I could get a picture for all of these beauties) 

5. you know who wasn’t blonde? 

This guy 

Oh oh and this girl who by the way I think totally did it 

LOL.

xxxxxx

Slob Tips: Maximum FINESSE Minimum Effort

Today as I was lying in bed watching Will & Grace, I thought to myself- I am amazing at this.

Yes, I am a great slob. There’s more to being a super slovenly couch potato than you might think. Most of the work involved comes from pretending not to be one.

So here’s my guide to looking fabulous without breaking a sweat.

Here’s me before:NOTE I haven't done any lame editing on these pix, this is GRITTY JOURNALISM right here.

The first and most important objective is to pretend you’re capable of complying with the expected levels of basic human cleanliness.

Now, me personally- I hate washing, I only have a shower here and who wants to stand up for a whole 10 minutes. Not me!

Here is my basic toolkit of pristine pretence.

If your teeth are clean and you don’t smell- nobody will suspect a thing.

Oh unless you have hair, which is another problem I’ve solved for you. There’s this magical stuff called dry shampoo.

1. it smells nice which adds to the whole clean façade

2. it takes like 1 minute to do and you don’t have to dry your hair afterwards

3. it weirdly gives you VOLUME

aaaamazing! Just remember to brush it through your hair properly so it doesn’t look like you’ve come off worse in a fight with a bag of flour.

Oh yeah, use makeup wipes to get rid of the gack all over your face.

Then: replace the gack by throwing a tonne of makeup on your face

If you can pull it off, lipstick's fab cause it makes you look mega put together. Like a business woman or something.

Then put a hair clip in. It gives the appearance of you having done something to your hair, but is considerably less effort than putting it up.

Now, check me out. This took me from 17.21-17.38 INCLUDING posing for pictures and brushing my excessive hair.. I’m sure y’all can do quicker!

(p.s yeah I crimped my hair which is uncharacteristically pro-active of me, but it looks FEROCIOUS doesn’t it?)

You’re now ready to go out and pull lots of fit guyssss, or as I’m about to do; have dinner with a couple of homo hotties. 

Ciao ciao betches.

‘Vintagey’ and the Anachronism

Okay. I was watching the 2010 film ‘Submarine’, and I was trying to work out when it was supposed to be set. Which I've noticed has become increasingly difficult to do nowadays. I can’t remember the last time there was a new fashion trend that wasn’t a revival of something else, and it’s more and more common for people’s interiors to be deliberately kitsch and oldy-worldy.

At first you only see them in a school~ and school doesn’t change much so I was still pretty clueless. They’re wearing duffel coats though so I’m either thinking it’s modern and a bit hipster or maybe the 50s. Anyway. I see them walk past a P reg car- so AHA it must be modern.

I Wikipedia it anyway. So it’s set in 1986 then?

Why put a P reg car in plain view, I don’t even drive and I know that’s a late 90s registration.

They make so much effort to tint the picture a little sepia and show the main character using a typewriter and Polaroid camera. Then they just go and put something on screen that just SCREAMS nineties and it totally ruins my suspended disbelief.

[P.S I watched ‘One Day’ last month and Sturgess in ‘1997’ drinks out of an Ikea mug I bought LAST YEAR- but to complain about that would just be pedantic.. right?]

Sometimes I wonder why filmmakers bother to set films which you wouldn’t class as a period drama in the past… it always seems so much effort to make them convincing, and often a narrative will work just as well set in 2011 as if it was set in 1986.

There’s a post on UltraCulture (good blog btw) vis a vis this attitude in Spielberg’s Super 8.

Are the noughties (we’re not in the noughties any more are we.. we’re in the teens? Or something… who knows) really that unattractive for us? People are forever extolling the virtues of the past, whether it be the 60s, 70s, 80s or even the 90s- all are seen as idyllic. My mother told me the other day that if she had a small child nowadays she would not feel as safe letting them out as she did with me and my younger siblings from 1992 onwards.

I don’t think it really is more dangerous today. We just hear about it more.

I don’t want to think that one day I’ll feel almost ashamed of growing up in the 90s/early 00s. How will I show my future children (lol) what life is like now when all the photos we take are put through ridiculous hipstamatic/instagram filters, and all the films I’ve seen recently that aren’t the most vapid of romantic comedies are set in the past, or even worse.. are just remakes of pre-existing films; and music is just samples and covers and rip-offs.

NOTHING IS ORIGINAL ANYMORE

City Livin'

Those of you who don’t know me in the real world might not realise that I originally hail from the countryside.

Yep, just like Farmville ‘cept it’s REAL.

[Mary mother of god!- MS word recognises Farmville as a proper word and even capitalised it for me… what is the world coming to?]

Anyway, me and the mohawked rugmuncher (oh so now mohawked and rugmuncher aren’t real words? Eff you MS word) had a debate about whether the city or the countryside is better to live in.

OBVIOUSLY I sided with the city, I mean- which sane person wouldn’t?

This is pretty much my house

It’s not that I’m not grateful to the countryside for giving me a dull as dishwater upbringing with nothing to do but sit on the church steps sipping from a three litre bottle of Frosty Jack’s. cause like, if I’d grown up in the city I might have… I don’t know, not been to as many parties put on in village halls? Or maybe  I wouldn’t have benefitted from knowing the name of every single drongo that sits on the till at Morrisons.

Nice tabard.

Okay, jokes aside. Maybe the countryside is safer. There are much more places for a murderer to dispose of your mutilated body, but chances are that cause everyone knows everyone you’re likely to already be aware of those with sociopathic tendencies, and have given them a wide berth.

Oh and it’s pretty. I hate the beach, but I guess the fields and rivers are okay I suppose.

Which is why I uphold the view that living in a village should be the preserve of holidaymakers and the elderly.

I googled 'inbred' and got this! LOLZ

EVERYTHING about living in a rural town is inconvenient. I don’t drive- so where I can go alone is entirely dependent on where buses go. Which generally- they don’t go at all. Buses cost a fortune too, people say London is expensive but a single bus ticket with an oyster card is only £1.30, I could pay £4, more if I actually admit to being an adult (I never will).

EVERYONE knows your business. Nothing can go under the radar. Especially when you’re a local celeb like myself….

EVERYWHERE is chock full of old people. I don’t particularly have a problem with old people.. but when I’m trying to post a letter the last thing I want is to be stuck behind a queue of geriatrics paying their TV licence with a collection of five pence pieces.

There are no old people in London, people think I’m joking but they just aren’t any.

You know they only have those wheely things to take up MORE space and be even MORE inconvenient 

Lol I called this post ‘City Livin’’ when actually I just ranted about how bad country living is.. oh well, c’est la vie.

You

Hey guys! Welcome to my fiftieth post! I'm being all pensive.
So yesterday I put up a poll on my blog’s facebook asking y’all what you wanted to see more of on here.

And it got me thinking- the most important person on this blog is actually YOU.
It’s weird to think that anyone would read the drivel I want to write about, but it seems more and more so that you actually do! Crazy!

And I don’t know much about you.. I know most of you are from the UK, use PCs and run Internet Explorer. But apart from that I am clueless!

So this is my plea to you to tell me who you are, you don’t need to include your name or anything, just tell me if you know me in the real world, or if you found me by googling ‘are Jedward gay?’ (Seriously that is one of the top things people google to get here), you can tell me you think I’m an idiot- I don’t care, just tell me what you want! I’m never quite sure what’s a hit and what’s a miss.

What do you want me to write about?
Do you like my interviews?
Do you want to know more about your faithful narrator?
What’s your favourite post I’ve ever done?
I’m willing to talk about most things. Srsly I can chat shit about all number of topics [n.b please please please don’t ask me to talk about sport.. I run out of things to say after ‘I was a sub for the third netball team at school… errr I have asthma okay I am like allergic to exercise’]

So basically GET IN TOUCH WITH ME!!! There are a number of ways you can do this:-
By liking my FACEBOOK and writing on the wall
By sending an EMAIL to longtimenodig@mail.com
Or just by commenting on this post after the jump (I don’t think a blogger account is necessary, so you can give me abuse anonymously if you so wish)

If I get any feedback whatsoever from this I will be over the moon! So get tapping away on those little keyboards my little Long Time No Diggers.

Dolly's People: Ladyboy Enthusiast

Today I'm going to be chatting with Alan Smithee, a dapper chap with a penchant for the ambiguously sexed- Enjoy!

Dolly: so Alan, for those of us who aren't familiar with the ins and outs of gender-bending, what exactly defines a ladyboy?

AS: It's a tough one, sexuality really can't be compartmentalised as easily as people tend to think. It's a spectrum and a lot of it's down to individual perceptions. I'd personally say that a ladyboy is effectively a chick with a dick. I'd also say there's a subtle difference between a ladyboy and a transvestite; for me the transvestite has a sense of deception about it, like a man disguised as a woman. A ladyboy, to me, is absolutely a lady, but with a dick. I can't speak for everybody, but that's my view.

Dolly: Would you ever consider doing the dirty with a pretty convincing transvestite or at the other end of the spectrum a post-op transsexual?

AS: I think it'd be pretty narrow to say I wouldn't consider anything! If you're saying 'transvestite' rather than 'ladyboy' then I guess it's not a write off, but it's not my thing. Same with post-ops. As a big fan of ladyboys it almost seems a shame that people feel the need to have an operation, but if someone feels like that's what they'd want then I guess it's the right thing for them. They really don't appeal the same way ladyboys do.

Dolly: Have you ever indulged your passion for chicks with dicks I.R.L. or is it purely a late-night googling thing?

AS: Late night/Late morning. Good old internet.

Dolly: What, in your opinion- are the attributes that really make a dame with a dong into a realistic woman?

AS: It's a toughy. What makes anyone feminine? I think there's a definite sense with a ladyboy that they're definitely a she. I guess there's just something integral that crosses the line of a man pretending and becomes a lady with an alternative appendage.

Dolly: I see the attraction, dicks are fun! and easy to operate, and boobs are p. cool too- to quote Hannah Montana it's the best of both worlds! Is this how you think of it?

AS: Who knows. You know when you get a pub lunch and you're offered chicken or pork? That's literally the closest I can come to what it could be. I hate ordering the same thing all the time.

A friend of mine thinks it might be because it'd be cool to be with a girl who had to adjust herself too. Whilst I don't know quite how much I attribute to his theory, that is pretty cool.

Oh, and by 'adjust herself' I meant when a guy stands up and sometimes has to re-angle his junk to walk comfy. A chick doing that would be pretty cool.

Dolly: Does liking ladyboys automatically make you bisexual? I've heard the word ‘pansexual’ being bandied about but that always seemed like a funny one.. either as if you'd find ANYTHING sexually attractive, or you're into pans.

AS: Or that you wanna fuck the goat-person from Guillermo Del Toro's flick.

Dolly: so tru

AS: I don't know, I guess if we're attaching a rigid framework to sexuality then it would make me bi. But sexuality really doesn't work like that in my mind, it should be a lot more open-ended than just saying yes or no. I honestly consider a ladyboy to be a lady with a dick, so if it's a lady to me then that would make it heterosexual attraction, but then the dick would make it gay. It's a big old moral minefield and honestly I don't think it matters all that much, maybe we label sexuality so vigourously because it's scary to people, people who are open about sexuality don't tend to give a shit in my experience.

Dolly: One last thing, are you planning a trip to Thailand anytime soon?

AS: Thailand is the first thing that comes to mind isn't it? I'm not sure if going there would be quite what I'd want it to be. Can you really enjoy it if you're getting charged? It'd probably seem a lot more illicit and a lot less fun.

Dolly: Well, thanks a million for agreeing to be interviewed~ it’s been fun. Now go back to one typing one-handed in a sex chatroom if you wish! Ciao ciao!

FRESHERS

Hey guys! Looks like it’s that time of year again!

Pretty much everyone in the year below is on the cusp of leaving mummy for the first time cause it’s the last chance they’ll have to do it on the cheap.

Ikea’s already choc full of spotty teenagers wondering whether two plates’ll be enough, and a substantial number of eighteen year olds are being kept awake at night plagued not by the anxiety of leaving everyone they’ve ever known to go and live with complete strangers/possible psychos- but by the conundrum of how they should go about naming their cutlery.

Seeing as I came out of my first year alive, and plan on going back to university for more- I thought I should write some spiel about being a fresher.

Innit.

1. Be nice to everyone

Okay, so everyone at home knows and loves you as that bitch with a rapier tongue and dry wit- but you’re not going to make any instant friendships like that. Pretend to be pleasant. At least until you find like-minded people.

You should remember that most people come to university knowing nobody, and so will be eternally grateful for someone saying ‘want to grab a liquid lunch with me?’ and who knows, they could be your new best friend! Or a total drip. But you never know, you could be put in a seminar group with them and be begging to borrow their Hamlet notes in a few months time.

Such wholesome looking students! NOTE: you will never look like this, your clothes won't see an iron until you go home for Christmas and you'll probably run out of money for the washer anyway, plus that acne you thought you grew out of when you were 14, well- it'll be back. With a vengeance. 

2. Remember to bring your paperwork

You’ll survive at university if you forget to bring most things, they can be bought/borrowed if needs be. But one thing that is ABSOLUTELY CRUCIAL is your documents.

You don’t want to be stuck with no student loan cause you’ve left your letter on your bedside table back home.

AAHH WHAT'S MY BLOODY SORT CODE

3. Communal living

Don’t leave anything you don’t want to be stolen in the kitchen.

Students are notorious kleptomaniacs; they’re the human version of raccoons I swear!

I thought I had done alright at the end of last year, only to find when I’d moved into my new place that someone had run off with my tin opener! Cheeky!

This goes for food too- leave stuff in the fridge and someone will steal it, ESPECIALLY milk.

4. Freshers flu

After a week of solid drinking, drugs and debauchery you’re going to get ill. Your parents aren’t telling you to eat properly so you’ve probably been getting the main part of your nutrient intake from drink. And let me just tell you that just cause Jägermeister tastes like cough medicine, it doesn’t mean it’s any good for you.

This is why it’s important to bring pills with you, waking up on Sunday morning with a throbbing headache is only made worse when you realise it’s not morning. It’s 4.15 and Sainsbury’s is now closed.

Pack as many boxes of paracetamol as you could possibly fit in your washbag.

You WILL use them.

Seriously, who takes pills like this?

Okay, I’ve not mentioned some common sensy things, but here they are just in case you’re a total idiot.

-carry condoms on you at all times, universities are not the hallowed halls of learning they appear to be- they are PITS OF DISEASE

-girls: see all those clothes you packed? Leave half of them at home

-remember to bring chargers with you- good luck telling your mother you’ve forgotten your phone charger when the battery is already dead.

- for god’s sake… read the goddamn books. You only need 40% to pass first year but that’ll come a lot easier if you at least know basic outlines!

(Oh, and take a look at this list for what you should bring with you, it's pretty good)