SO SORRY

Hello babycakes… sorry for being a bad mother.. I didn’t mean for social services to intervene- I’ve missed you and I’m here to make it up to you.
YES I know I’ve been bad
YES I know you’ve been nagging me to get on with writing
YES I know for those of y’all who aren’t acquainted with me I.R.L it might seem like I’ve completely slipped off the radar

I literally have a coaster of this.

BUT the bitch is back. I gave you up for the bright lights of student radio (har de har har) but I realise that I’ve been fickle and the world of audio broadcasting possibly isn’t for me –let’s face it, my stutter and asthmatic rasping don’t make for an appealing listen- and frankly I feel stifled. Having to chat using my real name makes me feel naked… I want to be the chauvinist pig I truly am; which I can only do under the thin guise of my secret identity.
Although to be perfectly honest, I’m sure most of you know who I am.. I even revealed my real name to my stalker/number one fan- [<3 u julian]

Anyway. I kind of ran out of things to talk about, and I’ve had a few distractions, but my time off means I can come back in full force, with lots of ideas for things to write about…


So. What happened in my absence?
LONG TIME NO DIG turned one! Yaaaay!
Halloween
Some students protested. It annoyed me.
Nick Hewer (Alan Sugar’s aide from the ‘prentice) was announced as the new host of Countdown
Some woman did a racist tram rant in Croydon
CHRISTMAS FEVER SWEPT THE LAND
My laptop broke.. apple quoted me £305 to fix it but it miraculously resurrected itself before I parted with the £££££.. (could my laptop be Jesus?)


Well… I hope that brought you up to speed..


This is just an apology for now, I’ll write a proper post soon and hopefully you’ll all love me again and stuff <3 <3 <3


I LOVE YOU

City Livin'

Those of you who don’t know me in the real world might not realise that I originally hail from the countryside.

Yep, just like Farmville ‘cept it’s REAL.

[Mary mother of god!- MS word recognises Farmville as a proper word and even capitalised it for me… what is the world coming to?]

Anyway, me and the mohawked rugmuncher (oh so now mohawked and rugmuncher aren’t real words? Eff you MS word) had a debate about whether the city or the countryside is better to live in.

OBVIOUSLY I sided with the city, I mean- which sane person wouldn’t?

This is pretty much my house

It’s not that I’m not grateful to the countryside for giving me a dull as dishwater upbringing with nothing to do but sit on the church steps sipping from a three litre bottle of Frosty Jack’s. cause like, if I’d grown up in the city I might have… I don’t know, not been to as many parties put on in village halls? Or maybe  I wouldn’t have benefitted from knowing the name of every single drongo that sits on the till at Morrisons.

Nice tabard.

Okay, jokes aside. Maybe the countryside is safer. There are much more places for a murderer to dispose of your mutilated body, but chances are that cause everyone knows everyone you’re likely to already be aware of those with sociopathic tendencies, and have given them a wide berth.

Oh and it’s pretty. I hate the beach, but I guess the fields and rivers are okay I suppose.

Which is why I uphold the view that living in a village should be the preserve of holidaymakers and the elderly.

I googled 'inbred' and got this! LOLZ

EVERYTHING about living in a rural town is inconvenient. I don’t drive- so where I can go alone is entirely dependent on where buses go. Which generally- they don’t go at all. Buses cost a fortune too, people say London is expensive but a single bus ticket with an oyster card is only £1.30, I could pay £4, more if I actually admit to being an adult (I never will).

EVERYONE knows your business. Nothing can go under the radar. Especially when you’re a local celeb like myself….

EVERYWHERE is chock full of old people. I don’t particularly have a problem with old people.. but when I’m trying to post a letter the last thing I want is to be stuck behind a queue of geriatrics paying their TV licence with a collection of five pence pieces.

There are no old people in London, people think I’m joking but they just aren’t any.

You know they only have those wheely things to take up MORE space and be even MORE inconvenient 

Lol I called this post ‘City Livin’’ when actually I just ranted about how bad country living is.. oh well, c’est la vie.

People With Money

Okay yeah, I’m a student in London, and mainly I skulk about in studenty places: but occasionally I must travel vast distances across the capital and have to take the tube. Not only is this fascinating to me cause I’m still a bit excited by being underground but it allows me to get uncomfortably close to a sub-section of society I don’t tend to see much of; people with real jobs.

I feel quite lazy with this blog of late: and lists are easy to write- so here’s another list, which this time will comprise of all the things that get me riled up about these rarely-criticised blissfully employed city-slickers.

1. That woman in a full suit with expensive running shoes on.

There is a grave conflict of interests here. Either you’re a businesswoman who wants to be taken seriously, or you’re a woman who is going running and never the twain shall meet. Fair’s fair if you’re so driven and efficient that you’re going to take a run in your lunch break, but darling, you’re wearing a pencil skirt, you’re going nowhere fast- despite your top of the range Oasics trainers. You may say to me that high-heels are impractical for the journey home, but my love, this is what ballet flats were invented for. Nowadays you can even get ones that will roll up small and fit into your briefcase- so why are you lugging a pair of trainers back and forth to work? It throws off the whole sharp, hard-nosed Geschäftsfrau look you’ve got going on. You look like a total mug.

2. That man reading the Evening Standard on his iPad.

When did public transport lose its reputation for being a magnet to shifty customers and pickpockets, cause honestly- if I wasn’t so distinctive looking so I’d have a chance to get away- I’d twock that iPad right out of your hands.

Furthermore- the Evening Standard is free, there’s always about thirty copies hanging about per tube carriage. Don’t make us chop down all those trees for nothing! Read the physical paper for Christ’s sake!

3. That unfortunate looking woman with the beautiful Mulberry handbag.

If your makeup, hair and clothing are all heinously bad- why do you torment me with your delicious arm-candy? If your aim was to distract from how grim the rest of you is; you’re actually making your image worse as- in truth, it serves the opposite purpose by creating a contrast between the Frankenstein’s monster of the rest of your outfit and the perfectly-crafted demi-god hanging off your left arm. I’m going to make you an offer here, I will dress you so that you can finally look half decent if you hand over the Mulberry. I promise you I will treasure it forever and pass it onto my grandchildren. Please?