Feminist Guilt

I am a feminist.

There.

I said it.

I even put it in bold for you.

On occasions the reactions received from outing yourself as one are not dissimilar to those you might get from admitting to voting BNP or I don’t know, not believing in global warming.

wow. offensive.

Why could this be? In my mind a feminist is not discriminatory or ignorant… rather they are forward thinking and egalitarian.

Last year in a seminar, our tutor asked for people to raise their hand if they considered themselves to be a feminist. Out of close to fifteen people, me and maybe one other person did- she asked us why we were and I said “everyone should be one, shouldn’t they?”

If I said the F word to you (feminist, not fuck) and asked you to picture one, I doubt you’d think about someone like me …

I’m young, I’m straight, and I look a bit like Barbie.

Not middle aged, not a butch lesbian; I don’t have a buzzcut, although I do have that certain ferocious demeanour.

I think that it’s about time that these sorts of preconceptions are QUASHED.

Anyone can be a feminist, old, young, gay, straight, male or female.

Perhaps some women use feminism as an excuse to be man-haters, and that has coloured your view on them. But as far as I’m concerned to be a feminist means only that you believe in equality between men and women, so everybody should support it- ESPECIALLY women themselves.

You can be a feminist and wear makeup, you can be a feminist and have sex for money, and you can even be a feminist without insisting people refer to you as a ‘womyn’.

Seriously.. I google 'feminist' and THIS comes up!!!! bleedin eck! (and no that wasn't a menstrual pun)

I feel that a lot of young women see Feminism as some kind of embarrassing taboo- but the fact is that even nowadays the average British male wage continues to surpass the female one by 16%, despite girls generally outperforming boys at GCSE and A Level.

So girls, let me ask you this, would you be happy to be paid less than a man for doing an identical job?

If you answered no- welcome to the magical world of Feminism!

Unfortunately that isn’t really the case Bey. 

Funny Bitches

Comediennes (women comedians)- rare.

STRAIGHT BRITISH comediennes- close to extinct.

Discuss.

On QI Stephen asked why they don’t feature more women on their panel- and the answer was because women simply aren’t funny.

I googled 'appalled woman' and this is what I got. Deal with it.

Wait, that’s not fair!

Some of my funniest friends are women! (yes Jeff this includes you- there’s your mention, now like my facebook page you harlot) and brain-wise, of the two sexes it is women that are supposed to be the great left-brained communicators, and comedy is mostly talk, right?

Further to this women have a reputation for being a touch psychic- maybe I’m exaggerating a little but it has been proved that if you set a man against a woman in a game of rock paper scissors the woman will probably win- because as a rule are better at reading what other people are likely to do, probably as a result of some deep nurturing quality evolution has implanted deep into our genome or something. And surely being able to READ PEOPLE’S MINDS would make women better comics, cause they’d know exactly what the audience wants to hear.

But no, I actually agree with QI’s findings. The female comedians, at least the ones they put on the UK tube nowadays, as a whole just kind of aren’t funny. And why are the majority of the funny ones lesbians? There are way more straight women than lezzers. So what’s the fricking deal?!

BY AND LARGE comediennes can be placed into one of two categories:

1. Man-haters

Sarah Millican's ex-husband is possibly the most talked about subject on panel shows today.

Man-haters: as much as I love a bit of man-bashing now and again (and let’s face it, they kind of have it coming to them) by hating on men they are essentially alienating themselves from half of the population, cause I don’t care what y’all say- men are bloody sensitive, and we have to stroke and coddle their fragile little egos… d’awww. Plus- Mary mother of Jesus does it get a bit samey. It’s kind of like a male comedian doing non-stop mother-in-law jokes or waxing lyrical about how bad his wife is at driving. So dull.

2. Hopelessly stupid

To coin a phrase from the Pixies- where is my mind?

Oh, and the ditzy one. It’s just soooo slapstick. Dull dull dull dull dull! I mean, did feminism NEVER happen or something?  A woman is allowed to be witty and sharp and devastating. Women are bitchy- and that is FUNNY! But T.V women just aren’t. It’s probably why I like so many gay comics cause they have all of the bitchiness but none of the strange inhibitions women seem to have.

It's not like I don't appreciate women being put on (mainly BBC) television, it's just I think they should be on there because they are GOOD rather than because they are GIRLS.


So this is my plea to you; the British female population. Be funny. And go on television- break that glass ceiling betches! WERRRRRRRK

Love and Marriage

A conversation I’ve had again and again with my female friends almost since we were old enough to talk is about who’d we’d marry and what our wedding’s going to be like. We’ve all been nuptually fixated before we knew what sex was or even realised that boys weren’t actually made of slugs, snails and puppydog tails. 

FYI: this was the most sexist film I've seen released this side of the millennium

And of course, if you’re a brit you’ll know the hype at the moment is all about the new series of My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding being shown on Channel 4; so yesterday when I was schmoozing with the girls it all came up again.

I have somewhat complicated views on marriage, as it seems my family has been cursed to divorce ever since it’s been socially acceptable.

Usually, when someone asks me about getting married I tell them that I don’t plan to, and that two people can lead a perfectly happy and healthy relationship without tying the knot.  Anyway, I couldn’t be fussed with the whole buying a wedding dress too small for me and crash dieting myself into it debacle.

HOT!

But secretly, inside I have a crazy yearning to become a character in a Lawrence novel, the downtrodden wife of a miner, living in a two-up, two-down terraced cottage with our four children, who spends all day cooking and washing the family’s linen with a mangle only for my husband to come home from the mine, snatch the jam jar I kept the money for little Louisa’s new hobnail boots in, and go down the pub and spend it all on drink. Later he’d come home and beat me senseless because there were lumps in the custard at dinner.

I’m not sure whether this is a genuine fantasy of mine or just the product of a deep-rooted wish to lead a more literary life- or perhaps it’s just my masochism coming through.

Why is being beaten such an attractive prospect for me?

Plastic Fantastic

Recently I’ve been watching a helluvalotta Nip/Tuck (and I’m totally hating on Julia- she’s such an abhorrent whory nag, I’ve seen more likable characters on Crimewatch.) and I’ve decided to say my piece on plastic surgery.

It is my personal opinion that it should be a last resort for people, it’s usually kind of a superficial reason to risk your life for; and for me the risks outweigh the gains- although I’m sure I’ll probably change my mind when I’m a withered old hag.

Breast augmentation is of course the most popular form of cosmetic surgery in both the UK and the US. But why do so many women put themselves through all this? As a girl with *ahem* more than adequate mammaries I’ve never really considered getting a boob job, but many women feel like they have fallen short in some way by having small/average breasts, and claim to be having the surgery for their own self-esteem.

Okay, anyone considering getting this type of surgery seriously needs to talk to someone with big boobs. They’re super inconvenient and mostly are more of a curse than a blessing- if you want me to explain in further detail and specifics drop me a private line.
Secondly, they mostly look bloody ridiculous. Fake boobs are so artificially round that no one in their right mind’s going to believe you were born with them.. wait, you aren’t born with breasts, scratch that. But anyway, they make you look like you’ve only gotten them so you can be a glamour model or some other male-centric profession based entirely on the physical- and duh no one wants to look like that; at least, no one reading this does cause I’m assuming that if you can read that you’re smart enough not to.

The most popular non-invasive procedure is botox, which is, for those of you not in the know; is when you get a poison injected into your face to paralyse the muscles so you look totally wrinkle free. I find it funny how you see so many actresses who’ve had it done, how’re you supposed to express emotion if you can’t move your damn face.
But do you really want to look like THIS

Anyway, my message is to embrace your mosquito bites and love your haggard and weather-beaten face. Surgery is totes gross and should only happen when you REALLY NEED IT. Like if you have an accident/deformity or something.


Plus Nicky Hambledon Jones, you look rough anyway.

The Time Warp

I was watching a programme on iplayer (Turn Back Time: The High Street) and this, combined with watching another programme on 4OD (Time Warp Wives- and yes I’m aware that I watch too much TV) has planted an idea seed in the compost of my mind.

I think I was born in the wrong era. People say this all the time but they’ve not looked at it from all angles, could they really live without facebook, the Xbox or Primark? I realise I’m criticising these people whilst writing a blog- but I suppose in the olden days I’d have written for the Parish Newsletter or something. Anyway, the time in which I think I’d feel most at home is during the second world war, perhaps the fifties or sixties would be trendier but my reasons are as follows:

Fashion

Back then a woman was a woman; they wore dresses never trousers (love it) red lipstick (double love it) and medium-height heeled shoes (practical). They were comparably modest ensembles, not too much chest or legs; perfect, I'd have been the cat's meow. 

Check these ladies out:

Men

Whilst many of our men would have been sent off to the front, I’d be willing to make that sacrifice if they all looked that dashing in their uniforms. Also, towards the end of the war we had American GIs come over- and flirting with British women was a common pastime for them.

Music

The music was just so good! Lots of brass and crooners, no awful twanging and wailing like nowadays. And the best part of the music was the dances people held to keep up morale! I’d have loved to learn to jive, lindy hop or swing.

Food

For most people, WW2 food would be a turn off.. there wasn’t much of it for starters- this was the age of rationing. There wasn’t much meat, sugar, butter or eggs and many other necessities ran short- but there were a lot of carrots, and guess what? Carrots are my fave.

Women’s Lib

While the men were at war women had to take up their jobs; so it was quite common to become a WREN, part of the Women’s Land Army, work in munitions factories or be a bus conductress. I think I’d have liked to do something like that, I’d have never been a VAD though, I’m too afraid of blood.

All in all I’d have been a jolly good sport during the war; I think it’d be worth dodging a few bombs for. 

Poets and Hos

I am currently sat in the library writing an essay on a couple of poems; one of which is an imagined exchange between a Victorian prostitute and an old friend from the barton- if you're aware of what a barton is then you'll already know that yes, it is Thomas Hardy- and if you’re interested it’s called The Ruined Maid.

Anyway, I wanted to procrastinate but not entirely deviate from the topic. Therefore, today I’m going to grapple with the mammoth issue of having sex then getting paid for it, or- being a ho.

When prostitution and the media converge one of two things result, and you’re either going to be watching:

a) A news report or documentary about hookers getting murdered

or

b) A drama about a fictional prostitute

It all gets a bit serious when talking about real life events, so we’ll look at the portrayal of the fictional harlot.

Secret Diary of a Call Girl

Last year for some unbeknownst reason (I’m thinking it’s most likely the huge amount of sex on show) Secret Diary of a Call Girl starring Billie Piper became extremely popular amongst my friends. For those of you who don’t know, it is a series based on a blog of a high-end London call girl called Belle du Jour and it also the most watched programme on ITV 2.

As the programme is supposed to be based on a blog which is supposed to be an accurate depiction of the life of an escort, I have many issues with it.

1. Firstly, it makes prostitution out to be perhaps the most glamorous profession you could possibly get in to. Belle usually proffers her services to rich, distinguished looking, well-mannered, handsome and for the most part young, men.

WHAT

Are the production team even aware of what a prostitute is? It is a service for men who have to pay for women to sleep with them. If they were rich and handsome they’d have no problem getting some even if they were married. There are plenty of women out there who’d have no scruples with having them for free.

2. There is very little danger in Belle’s life, even if the client is somewhat kinky it’s always in a cutesy way with riding crops, fluffy hand-cuffs etc.

WHAT

A prostitute runs six times the chance of being murdered in her job than the average for every other profession. Plus men really want to “get their money’s worth” so they can end up bound and beaten.

3.Belle controls her own hours and the sex takes place in either her beautiful flat, top-end hotels or at lavish sex parties.

WHAT

How rich are these fricking men, not only are they paying, presumably by the state of her home, a lot of money for the privilege of sleeping with her- but they also put her up in hotels? And these sex parties, I mean come on, how many can really exist? In this current economic climate how what man can afford to employ a team of prostitutes all in special outfits to entertain their chums… also do men really want to have sex in close proximity to their friends.. isn’t that a bit.. pervy?

4. She leads a double life the whole time, at first none of her non-prozzie friends know what she does.

WHAT

How do you explain your nice clothes, house, stuff, sex preparation room etc to your friends without really telling them what you do? And don’t they realise that you’re in all day sleeping so you can “do the night shift”? This is crazy ITV I mean she has some cover story about being a secretary.. but that is totally incongruous with how she lives! Jeesh. Also the neighbours would be have to be totally oblivious to not be bloody suspicious about visitors and her comings and goings.

You’re all going to tell me to shut up with the ranting but this really grinds my gears. Nearly as much as poor spelling or ugg boots do.

Anyway, ciao babies. 

Glamour Modelling

My current TV guilty pleasure is ITV2’s The Only Way is Essex; it’s erm… think The Hills- but in Essex. I’m not really going to recommend it to you because it is as awful as it sounds- but it got me thinking.

            One of the main characters (can I call them characters? It’s supposed to be real life or something) is a budding glamour model. Amy’s a total Barbie- plastic boobs, hair, eyelashes and a “sunset glow” *cough*orange, and not the brightest bulb in the box. Yet, I don’t see why she would want to be a glamour model. She seems to have a profitable home business as a beautician and obviously she’s getting money and (relative) fame for participating in this programme. So why glamour? And not just why glamour for Amy, why glamour for so many other girls?

            There is a lot of contention over whether page three culture is a progression of women’s liberation- women no longer having to appear prim, proper and passive; or if it’s hugely sexist. I think to a certain extent it is a matter of personal choice, I don’t have a problem with legitimate modelling and that if a woman wants to do that she should be allowed. The most disturbing part of it all, I find- is the amount of young girls whose aspiration is to be a glamour model, girls too young to understand glamour modelling's true purpose. They no longer yearn to be teachers, doctors or even actresses, they want a career based purely on aesthetics and more often than not surgery. Where is the ambition in that? It’s not even like you can really make a lot of money or become  famous from it, even those who read lads mags can refer to probably no more than three glamour models by name- and who wants to be a nameless object?

In the media Jordan/Katie Price is often described as being a brilliant business woman. But really, what more is she than someone that looks good on camera and lived in a jungle for a few weeks? The rest of her success is entirely reliant on the press machine she works so hard to keep focussed on her.

 I can’t help but feel that this shift in female ambition stems from society’s archaic expectation that women should be beautiful before they are clever or talented. Hopefully this will change one day, but I doubt it.

Sorry this is a bit ranty but I felt I needed to say it. Books before looks girls.