Blondes Have More Fun, Like Obviously!

Okay basically this post is going to come across as borderline Hitler Jugend so *insert some ‘I’m not racist but’/ ‘I have ethnic minority friends’ bullshit here* but anyway.. as the official favourite black person of the white people Mrs Beyonce-Z has proven; anyone can be blonde if they try!

Blondes are the best! They just are so stop arguing you brunette naysayer. 

You want reasons? Well I’ll bloody give them to you. 

1. There is an effortless glamour you gain upon becoming blonde. Someone name me a glamourpuss who wasn’t blonde. 

2. Blondes are MARTYRS to their cause. Do any of you realise how much becoming blonde hurts? The stuff you have to slather all over your scalp just BURNS and plus it smells horrid, and the stench stays in your hair for a few washes. Basically, if your blonde hair dye doesn’t burn and gas you out of the bathroom then it just isn’t working. 

3. Blonde is the only colour that doesn’t look totally tragic when your roots come through.. well.. up to a point, when it gets past an inch you’re edging towards looking like you dyed your hair with a bowl on your head. Not fierce. 

4. all the best pop stars are blondes.

-Madonna (obviously) 

-Debbie Harry 

-Britney 

-Lady Gaga (I know she’s blue or something nowadays but screw that!) 

-Dusty Springfield 

-Dolly Parton 

-Cyndi Lauper 

-Stevie Nicks 

(wish I could get a picture for all of these beauties) 

5. you know who wasn’t blonde? 

This guy 

Oh oh and this girl who by the way I think totally did it 

LOL.

xxxxxx

Slob Tips: Maximum FINESSE Minimum Effort

Today as I was lying in bed watching Will & Grace, I thought to myself- I am amazing at this.

Yes, I am a great slob. There’s more to being a super slovenly couch potato than you might think. Most of the work involved comes from pretending not to be one.

So here’s my guide to looking fabulous without breaking a sweat.

Here’s me before:NOTE I haven't done any lame editing on these pix, this is GRITTY JOURNALISM right here.

The first and most important objective is to pretend you’re capable of complying with the expected levels of basic human cleanliness.

Now, me personally- I hate washing, I only have a shower here and who wants to stand up for a whole 10 minutes. Not me!

Here is my basic toolkit of pristine pretence.

If your teeth are clean and you don’t smell- nobody will suspect a thing.

Oh unless you have hair, which is another problem I’ve solved for you. There’s this magical stuff called dry shampoo.

1. it smells nice which adds to the whole clean façade

2. it takes like 1 minute to do and you don’t have to dry your hair afterwards

3. it weirdly gives you VOLUME

aaaamazing! Just remember to brush it through your hair properly so it doesn’t look like you’ve come off worse in a fight with a bag of flour.

Oh yeah, use makeup wipes to get rid of the gack all over your face.

Then: replace the gack by throwing a tonne of makeup on your face

If you can pull it off, lipstick's fab cause it makes you look mega put together. Like a business woman or something.

Then put a hair clip in. It gives the appearance of you having done something to your hair, but is considerably less effort than putting it up.

Now, check me out. This took me from 17.21-17.38 INCLUDING posing for pictures and brushing my excessive hair.. I’m sure y’all can do quicker!

(p.s yeah I crimped my hair which is uncharacteristically pro-active of me, but it looks FEROCIOUS doesn’t it?)

You’re now ready to go out and pull lots of fit guyssss, or as I’m about to do; have dinner with a couple of homo hotties. 

Ciao ciao betches.

Stuff I Really Really Like

To follow the my list of things I hate I’m going to give you all a glimpse of all the little things in my life that make me smile.

1. Being a deliberate pain.

I like to do things to cause undue distress.. especially anonymously and to strangers. For example, I recently found someone’s National Insurance card on the street and kept it. Look look:

I have no clue who Donald William Morgan is but I’ve fully pikeyed his identity. Finders keepers losers weepers. (if you are DWM send me a scan of your passport and I might give you your card back.. maybe. Also look how nice I am retouching your NI number so real meanies don't pretend to be you)

It is also my dream to one day superglue a 50 pence piece to the floor and watch on as people fail to pick it up. Mwahahaha.

And to add to my Machiavellian persona I also like to pinch stuff, especially highly overpriced things. Stealing drinks at clubs is exceedingly good.

2. Loyalty cards.
If I lost my purse I’d be most depressed about losing my Boots and Subway cards rather than any money I’d had in it. You can earn money back- but I’ll never be able to regain the sense of satisfaction having these cards gives me. As a bit of a commitmentphobe they are the closest things I have to a long-term relationship, I mean, my Boots card has been in my life for six years! That’s what I call perseverance.

I don’t have as many as my brother. He takes it to extremes and his wallet weighs about as much as a small child.

3. Unnecessarily shortening words and also talking in German occasionally.

It all started out with “soz”- I mainly used it as a way to enrage my mother (totally worked) and now I just shorten as much as I possibly can. Any shop can be shortened (or actually lengthened in some cases) as so: Tesco=Tezzers, Morrisons=Mozzers, Subway=Subbers, Topshop= Toppers etc etc then there’s always shortening various adjectives; delicious becomes delish, ridiculous becomes ridic, beautiful, beaut- you know, all pretty standard. But my personal piéce de resistance is speaking out loud in what used to be called ‘text-talk’ but no one texts like that anymore so I don’t know what to call it. Personal favourites are saying lol instead of bothering to laugh, WTF-ing, saying oh em gee all the time as well as saying BRB when nipping off for a second. But the CREAM OF THE CROP is shortening a shortening. Ceebs is my lifeblood- it is a truncation of the acronym CBA, meaning can’t be arsed- btw any Americans reading this it means can’t be bothered. Throwing in a few German words now and again can only add to your mystique. To talk in your own personal dialect is very irritating. So I love it.

4. Collecting weird images.

There are pictures available to us in many mediums, but the best ones seem to come from magazines that cost around 58p and have an exclamation mark in their title like “That’s Life!” or “Love It!” or “Take a Break!” as they are generally absurd or on postcards bought in Europe. I got this one in Hamburg: isn’t she brill?!

And this one is from Berlin- I don’t have a clue why a ginger in a mini-bearskin is ironing the German flag on the Brandenburger Tor either, but it is definitely fantastic. 

The little things are always best, don't you think?

Sugar Daddies

When a girl’s down on her luck- it’s always an option to ensnare someone rich and elderly, get them to put a ring on it then wait it out til they kick the bucket.

I mean, if Anna Nicole Smith can do it so could I! We’re both voluptuous blondes with a penchant for stripping after all.

But, I don’t quite think I could. Anyone over forty makes me think of my father and that’s all a bit Freudian and unnerving. I don’t even usually find older celebrities attractive.. George Clooney is forty-nine for Jesus’ sake amen!

(look at those crows feet)

They probably are all wrinkly and syphilis-ridden underneath their clothes- I don’t care if they have more “experience”- they probably started out pre-the existence of condoms! I can't imagine how so many girls do it- and how many men think they can get away with it.. I’ve been leered at by many a geriatric in my time. (and it isn’t just men, we met an old lady in a mobility scooter who offered Mohawk a lift up to Manchester in her shiny new Zafira)

In my mind men are not like fine wines that only get better with age- they are glasses of milk that should be left well alone once they’re past their best.

What do you all think? Boys are you into cougars? Was this what Meatloaf was singing about when he’d do anything for love but he won’t do that?

Comment with any responses? Tell me if I am normal!

EDIT: Oh! I forgot, there is one exception.. Don Draper mmm he's so beautiful. Also James Bond in the books.

Batty Girl

Okay, I just read this and the long and the short of it is that people, especially young people consider the music tastes of a potential partner to be an important factor in whether they’ll get with them. Which draws me to a conclusion I’ve reached time and time again- I am a gay man trapped inside a woman’s body.

My tastes in music go something like this: Cher, Prince, Madonna, Kate Bush, Dolly Parton, The GoGo’s, Beyoncé, Musicals, Lady GaGa, Disco generally and ABBA. (enjoy the youtubes) 

If I was to find a straight man that was into all that even I’d probably think he was a crafty butcher.

My hobbies too tend to bend towards the festive persuasion: singing, miming that I am singing, cats, glitter, Glee, watching reality T.V. shows (not x-factor but the good ones like ANTM and RuPaul’s Drag Race), cocktails and dressing up.

You may remark that these are not so much the activities of the friends of Dorothy, but rather typically female leisure pursuits. So perhaps I should become a Todger-Dodger.  But I just couldn’t… the thought of women *shudder* --

Furthermore, many of my friends… perhaps most of my friends are fruity. I didn’t do it on purpose, I befriend them then BAM the closet flies open and they’re in there dressed in multicoloured glitter and neck scarves/plaid.

Even my first boyfriend, alas- is gay.

If only my six year old self knew better than to fall for someone just cause he liked Barbie the same as I did… (luv you bby boi)

All this inadvertent association with the rainbow crowd has turned me into a massive Fag Hag. Basically, to those not down with the lingo- Karen from Will & Grace.

And I’ve always wondered, am I alone in this? Is it a real syndrome? Can I call it gender-sexual-dysphoria and get a programme made on me for channel 4?

Does this happen to men? Do any of you think you’re psychological lesbians? Should I start a support group?

Actually, I kind of love it. And to quote the great Tyra Banks, it’s totally “fierce”.

(and fyi I’ve included a lot of links for definitions to all the lulzy euphemisms and nicknames I’ve used throughout this, I hope I’ve widened your vocabulary)

love you all,

xx

a big shout out to all my sassy gay friends: especially the mohawked one who has no shame and asked me to do this. ok i love you all, but especially you.

furthermore

Cry-Baby

(I know the film poster is awful)

John Waters’ 1990 teen musical Cry-Baby has been one of my favourite films since I was sixteen and my friend Vikki used it as ammunition in a dispute over whether Johnny Depp was worthy of heart-throb status (needless to say she won the argument after showing me this).  

Wikipedia informs me that: “The film did not achieve high audience numbers in its initial release but has subsequently become a cult classic” a-hem Wikipedia, I am an eighteen year old girl, my peers and I decide what is and isn’t a cult classic. No one has heard of this film! I’m forever explaining about it to others. And I’m not one of those people who stops liking things when they become popular- I like talking about the things I like to other people that like them.

So I’m going to be generous and I’ve decided to pick out ten reasons why it should be a film that everyone has seen.

1. Hatchet-Face

Kim McGuire’s grotesque portrayal of the loyal gang member who fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down transcends the cardboard cut-out characters with strong visual impact and few lines usually are. She teaches us that looks don’t matter without making us feel patronised . 

how could anyone resist this beauty?

2. Johnny Depp in 1990

Hot

3. The Frenching Scene

It’s somewhat stomach-churning in its graphicness but then poignant when I think that my first French totally looked like that. It reminds me of being innocent and six years old but also with the music and it being a bit like an orgy-  it’s kind of sexy.

4. The Music

I love all the songs but especially this one, its like a call and response and so beautifully bluesy plus Allison is a total diva in it.

N.B. I’ve always wanted someone to kiss me like how they do at the end.

5. Style

Everyone is so beautifully dressed in this film, square or drape. Both the clean-cut pastelness of the Whiffles and the leather and wiggle skirts of the kids at Turkey Point are right up my street. Traci Lords is a personal favourite of mine, teenage porn star or not; she knows how to look good.

6. Campy Comedy

‘nuff said

7. Storyline

It’s a classic story of star-crossed lovers and teenage rebellion- Waters knew it’s a tried and tested formula, which left him enough room to add in all the little extras that make it the multi-faceted masterpiece we’re left with today.

8. The Kids

Usually I hate kids but these seem to be pretty cool, they look sharp, don’t talk too much and they help save the day.

Hmm, well, I reckon I can only give you eight without totally ruining the magic when you watch it..

 Sayonara!