Blondes Have More Fun, Like Obviously!

Okay basically this post is going to come across as borderline Hitler Jugend so *insert some ‘I’m not racist but’/ ‘I have ethnic minority friends’ bullshit here* but anyway.. as the official favourite black person of the white people Mrs Beyonce-Z has proven; anyone can be blonde if they try!

Blondes are the best! They just are so stop arguing you brunette naysayer. 

You want reasons? Well I’ll bloody give them to you. 

1. There is an effortless glamour you gain upon becoming blonde. Someone name me a glamourpuss who wasn’t blonde. 

2. Blondes are MARTYRS to their cause. Do any of you realise how much becoming blonde hurts? The stuff you have to slather all over your scalp just BURNS and plus it smells horrid, and the stench stays in your hair for a few washes. Basically, if your blonde hair dye doesn’t burn and gas you out of the bathroom then it just isn’t working. 

3. Blonde is the only colour that doesn’t look totally tragic when your roots come through.. well.. up to a point, when it gets past an inch you’re edging towards looking like you dyed your hair with a bowl on your head. Not fierce. 

4. all the best pop stars are blondes.

-Madonna (obviously) 

-Debbie Harry 

-Britney 

-Lady Gaga (I know she’s blue or something nowadays but screw that!) 

-Dusty Springfield 

-Dolly Parton 

-Cyndi Lauper 

-Stevie Nicks 

(wish I could get a picture for all of these beauties) 

5. you know who wasn’t blonde? 

This guy 

Oh oh and this girl who by the way I think totally did it 

LOL.

xxxxxx

Slob Tips: Maximum FINESSE Minimum Effort

Today as I was lying in bed watching Will & Grace, I thought to myself- I am amazing at this.

Yes, I am a great slob. There’s more to being a super slovenly couch potato than you might think. Most of the work involved comes from pretending not to be one.

So here’s my guide to looking fabulous without breaking a sweat.

Here’s me before:NOTE I haven't done any lame editing on these pix, this is GRITTY JOURNALISM right here.

The first and most important objective is to pretend you’re capable of complying with the expected levels of basic human cleanliness.

Now, me personally- I hate washing, I only have a shower here and who wants to stand up for a whole 10 minutes. Not me!

Here is my basic toolkit of pristine pretence.

If your teeth are clean and you don’t smell- nobody will suspect a thing.

Oh unless you have hair, which is another problem I’ve solved for you. There’s this magical stuff called dry shampoo.

1. it smells nice which adds to the whole clean façade

2. it takes like 1 minute to do and you don’t have to dry your hair afterwards

3. it weirdly gives you VOLUME

aaaamazing! Just remember to brush it through your hair properly so it doesn’t look like you’ve come off worse in a fight with a bag of flour.

Oh yeah, use makeup wipes to get rid of the gack all over your face.

Then: replace the gack by throwing a tonne of makeup on your face

If you can pull it off, lipstick's fab cause it makes you look mega put together. Like a business woman or something.

Then put a hair clip in. It gives the appearance of you having done something to your hair, but is considerably less effort than putting it up.

Now, check me out. This took me from 17.21-17.38 INCLUDING posing for pictures and brushing my excessive hair.. I’m sure y’all can do quicker!

(p.s yeah I crimped my hair which is uncharacteristically pro-active of me, but it looks FEROCIOUS doesn’t it?)

You’re now ready to go out and pull lots of fit guyssss, or as I’m about to do; have dinner with a couple of homo hotties. 

Ciao ciao betches.

Stuff I Hate

I realise that I’ve been a bit absentee recently- but I’ve had essays and then I had to go home for the orthodontist. And I’m also acutely aware that my last few posts have been pretty negative and about things I hate, so today I’m going to get it out of my system for a while by giving you a list of all my pet hates. And I PROMISE that next time I’ll write you a compilation of all the things I love. Okay? Right. Onto my list.

Bad Eyebrows

I’m not talking about big eyebrows, I kind of love them and think they can be very stylish if worn properly. There are two types of eyebrows I despise:
1. Ones that look like tadpoles.
2. The ones that are so thin you couldn’t have drawn them on with a biro, which are especially creepy when they are poker straight.

What the hell do you think they look like; they’re bloody appalling. Unless you have alopecia you were born with a decent pair- why on earth would you mutilate them like that. You either look super serious, constantly bemused or just plain ridiculous. GUH.

Shop-bought Sandwiches

Why oh why does every single sandwich you buy pre-made in a shop have mayonnaise in it? Mayonnaise is a repulsive substance and I know I am not alone in my hatred of it. It is greasy and slimy and viscous and bleeeeeeeeeeeeugh.
Furthermore, when you make mayonnaise yourself it is a bright yellow colour as it is made of egg yolks and oil- so why is it white.. it’s an unnatural abomination, that’s why.

People Wearing The Same Clothes As Me

I’m making my way innocently down the street, minding my own business- when BAM I’m confronted by someone wearing my shoes.. it makes me feel uneasy and scared. It’s like they’ve gotten into my mind or something. How did they know I was going to wear that exact thing on that precise day?
Gives me the heebie-jeebies.

Public Misspellings

I’m cool with bad spelling/grammar in private correspondence, as long as it still makes sense then that’s alright. But, when these affronts to the English language are on signs or menus or facebook statuses then I lose it. In Britain it is law for you to attend school until you’re sixteen- and if after all those years you still don’t know how to use the appropriate there, they’re or their then you are obviously a failure.
Today I saw coffee spelt ‘cofe’ on the front of a shop
SERIOUSLY.
WHY.

That is all.