Dolly's People: Ladyboy Enthusiast

Today I'm going to be chatting with Alan Smithee, a dapper chap with a penchant for the ambiguously sexed- Enjoy!

Dolly: so Alan, for those of us who aren't familiar with the ins and outs of gender-bending, what exactly defines a ladyboy?

AS: It's a tough one, sexuality really can't be compartmentalised as easily as people tend to think. It's a spectrum and a lot of it's down to individual perceptions. I'd personally say that a ladyboy is effectively a chick with a dick. I'd also say there's a subtle difference between a ladyboy and a transvestite; for me the transvestite has a sense of deception about it, like a man disguised as a woman. A ladyboy, to me, is absolutely a lady, but with a dick. I can't speak for everybody, but that's my view.

Dolly: Would you ever consider doing the dirty with a pretty convincing transvestite or at the other end of the spectrum a post-op transsexual?

AS: I think it'd be pretty narrow to say I wouldn't consider anything! If you're saying 'transvestite' rather than 'ladyboy' then I guess it's not a write off, but it's not my thing. Same with post-ops. As a big fan of ladyboys it almost seems a shame that people feel the need to have an operation, but if someone feels like that's what they'd want then I guess it's the right thing for them. They really don't appeal the same way ladyboys do.

Dolly: Have you ever indulged your passion for chicks with dicks I.R.L. or is it purely a late-night googling thing?

AS: Late night/Late morning. Good old internet.

Dolly: What, in your opinion- are the attributes that really make a dame with a dong into a realistic woman?

AS: It's a toughy. What makes anyone feminine? I think there's a definite sense with a ladyboy that they're definitely a she. I guess there's just something integral that crosses the line of a man pretending and becomes a lady with an alternative appendage.

Dolly: I see the attraction, dicks are fun! and easy to operate, and boobs are p. cool too- to quote Hannah Montana it's the best of both worlds! Is this how you think of it?

AS: Who knows. You know when you get a pub lunch and you're offered chicken or pork? That's literally the closest I can come to what it could be. I hate ordering the same thing all the time.

A friend of mine thinks it might be because it'd be cool to be with a girl who had to adjust herself too. Whilst I don't know quite how much I attribute to his theory, that is pretty cool.

Oh, and by 'adjust herself' I meant when a guy stands up and sometimes has to re-angle his junk to walk comfy. A chick doing that would be pretty cool.

Dolly: Does liking ladyboys automatically make you bisexual? I've heard the word ‘pansexual’ being bandied about but that always seemed like a funny one.. either as if you'd find ANYTHING sexually attractive, or you're into pans.

AS: Or that you wanna fuck the goat-person from Guillermo Del Toro's flick.

Dolly: so tru

AS: I don't know, I guess if we're attaching a rigid framework to sexuality then it would make me bi. But sexuality really doesn't work like that in my mind, it should be a lot more open-ended than just saying yes or no. I honestly consider a ladyboy to be a lady with a dick, so if it's a lady to me then that would make it heterosexual attraction, but then the dick would make it gay. It's a big old moral minefield and honestly I don't think it matters all that much, maybe we label sexuality so vigourously because it's scary to people, people who are open about sexuality don't tend to give a shit in my experience.

Dolly: One last thing, are you planning a trip to Thailand anytime soon?

AS: Thailand is the first thing that comes to mind isn't it? I'm not sure if going there would be quite what I'd want it to be. Can you really enjoy it if you're getting charged? It'd probably seem a lot more illicit and a lot less fun.

Dolly: Well, thanks a million for agreeing to be interviewed~ it’s been fun. Now go back to one typing one-handed in a sex chatroom if you wish! Ciao ciao!

Dolly's People 1: Dessy the Furry

Today I’m going to be talking to Dessy, or Desmond- a teenage furry from Virginia U.S.A..

It probably goes without saying that this conversation is not for children’s eyes..

(p.s. For the uninitiated I have included links with definitions to some of the more specialist terminology)

Dolly: Do your friends and family know about your predilection for critter tail?

  

Dessy: Hm... I don't believe my family know the first thing about furries. At all. So no.

But most of my friends are well aware of my being an active member of the furry fandom.

Dolly: Did you get any bad reactions when you 'outed yourself'?

Dessy: Nothing worse than a bit of innocent teasing and harmless gests. We furries, especially in places like 4chan and YouTube, are the subject of some mirth.

Dolly: So tell me, is there any particular beast that really gets your engines going?

Dessy: I recently--and I do mean recently, after being indecisive for quite some time--decided to be a dragon. This means I'm a member of a subcategory of those furries who elect to have fursonas to represent themselves within the community that are called "scalies."

Dolly: So there are some of y'all that don't have one special animal they're into?

Dessy: Certainly. Furries are members of the fandom of anthropomorphic animals, and don't necessarily poke their noses into any sort of roleplay as actual animal characters. Not each furry has his or her own 'fursona'.

Dolly: Let’s get down to brass tacks. What sexual orientation would you consider yourself (in both furry and human relationships)

Dessy: Heh. I don't tend to hold a furry relationship distinct from a human relationship. My boyfriend Jared is both a furry and a human, as it were. As am I, but I would call myself bisexual, despite admittedly never having slept with a woman.

Dolly: So, you dig both boy and girl dragons?

Jared is a fox. 

Foxes seem to be the most common animal.

They're everywhere. It's frightening.

Dolly: Well, I suppose they are quite sexy. Well, for animals.

Dessy: Oh? ;P

Dolly: You’ve seen Disney’s Robin Hood. I would, and quite frankly- who wouldn’t?

Dessy: Oh, goodness, yes. A movie from my childhood. I wouldn't say it had much bearing on my becoming a furry, but I certainly loved that movie well.

And still do, I suppose

I have it downstairs on VHS.

Dolly: So are you into the whole team mascot-esque fursuit thing?

Or indeed.. scale suits?

Dessy: Heheh... Well. They're neat and whatnot, but I can't say I intend to wear one at any foreseeable time in the future, let alone purchase or make one. I'm fairly satisfied with my appearance in real life, and I doubt I would be satisfied with the appearance of a fursuit meant to look like my fursona.

Dolly: Well. As far as I’m concerned, when there’s one kink there’s often a whole tonne of others there too. What else turns you on?

Between you and me, I have a fetish called Vorarephilia.

And I have as long as I can remember.

Explaining it is always a bother.

(don’t worry guys, I am ALL OVER the google on this, I really wouldn't do it yourself if I was you- Ed.)

Dolly: Do you ever get off to nature films etc with the real animals? Or are you just into the anthro stuff?

Dessy: Nature films? That strikes me as silly. I can't help but laugh at the thought of someone giving a dull narration to something I consider porn.

Nah. I tend to stick with finer pieces of art.

I suppose.

Is it supposed to be at all awkward that we're talking about me masturbating?

And you intend to blog about this?

^^';

Yes. I am a dirty dirty girl.

Well, I hope y’all enjoyed today’s peek into an unconventional mind!

Dolly

xx

If you're fully intrigued and want to see more along this vein, this website has lotsa weird and wonderful animal dongs on show. Check out the forum for added creepiness.  

Dyke Dilemma

Dear Dolly,

I've been struggling with my sexuality for about 5 years now and I just can't find a way of telling people I'm a lesbian? I shaved my head just to hint to people, and I have piercings all over my face but I'm STILL getting hit on by guys? If things don't improve soon then I'm afraid I'm just going to have to do something drastic like buy a hoodie or a pair of cargo pants? Please help me.

Dear Buzzcut,

This may seem like a controversial tactic but you could just pretend to be a man, I mean, with your current look you need only take off your bra and stuff your knickers. There are two advantages to this, 1. most men will stop hitting on you, 2. you may just pull a straight woman. When you're engaging in dykey activities (eating at vegetarian restaurants, buying plaid shirts or drinking guiness) just pop on a wonderbra and pull out your gusset padding and you're golden. You won't be the only lesbian trying this one out, I mean, one of my favourite games is 'is this a gay man or a lesbian?' it's hard to tell sometimes- I'd check for an adam's apple before hitting on that totally cute chick that looks a bit like Justin Bieber.

Good luck!

Dolly.

Need advice? email longtimenodig@mail.com

Eurovision

Hey girls and gays! I was going to write this yesterday but Blogger was down… no fun!

So tomorrow it’s that time again, no, not the 133^rd anniversary of Vaseline first being sold, it’s EUROVISION, silly!

Now, the reason for my over-use of exclamation marks is that, of course- I love it! For me, it is better than Christmas, there’s all the camp fun and merriment but none of the expense/family members that still think you’re six.

This year is especially exciting for me as it is being held in the country where dreams are made- GERMANY!

look, I know it's in Düsseldorf and not Berlin but I haven't got any pictures of me near any Düsseldorf landmarks. Sorry.

Britain’s offering this year is pretty poor (Blue) and frankly Ireland isn’t looking to improve on its record seven Eurovision titles with Jedward.

But then again nowadays I only ever look to Eastern Europe to produce the real Eurovision gems. They just take it more seriously in countries where they don’t often get to have their own international pop stars. Plus they seem to have no shame when it comes to OTT pageantry.

Many people choose to criticise the show and say it’s not about the music and it’s mainly about European politics. But HELLO Germany won last year and nobody really likes them (except me) so that point is null and void.

Here is a concise list of my favourite things about Eurovision and why you should TOTALLY tune in tomorrow night:

1. The outfits

2. The national pride, not really for us but for the other countries. I mean, it’s quite something to see Bosnia and Herzegovina really representin’.

3. The hosts. They are so cringe but I so love it.

4. Graham Norton does the voice over in the UK.

5. The general WTFs

The blind woman from Georgia's 'Peace Will Come' was a TRIUMPH

6. The people who talk when they collect the scores, I do a cracking impersonation of them. Ask me when I’ve had a few too many.

7. Some pretty amazing songs have come about as a result of the Song Contest. Bucks Fizz anyone? 

Or even better, ABBA.

8. It’s gayer than Elton John and David Furnish shopping for pink be-spangled scatter cushions to adorn their chaise longue.  So like. Pretty damn gay. And it’s not cast into the abyss of 2 AM broadcasting *COUGH* RuPaul’s Drag Race *COUGH* Channel 4.

9.  Playing guess the capital cities. Okay this is lame and super geeky but I like knowing that Tallin is the capital of Estonia okay?

10. Did I mention the outfits?

Gratuitous Lesbianism

Okay okay, before all of you ladylovers jump down my throat- it is not the intention of this post to be anti-scissorsister or anything, if anything it is pro-lesbianism because I’m trying to strive for equality here.

Today, I am going to be commenting on a device I’m seeing more and more of in modern cinema; the sudden and incongruous instances of straight female characters making out- and it adding nothing or very little to the storyline. I actually somewhat enjoyed all of the films mentioned below, but I think this issue needs to be addressed in each of them. Because I feel there has to be a more sophisticated way to attract male viewers to these films- and that men should really be credited with a little more intelligence.

P.S- as the lesbianism is SO POINTLESS there are actually very few spoilers below, but if you’re dead pernickety I guess that there are indeed spoilers.

1. Jennifer’s Body

I’m aware this film is kind of awful but I sorta liked it as a tongue in cheek horror-comedy.

 Both Jennifer and Needy are portrayed as straight girls throughout the film- neither expresses any interest in homosexuality until about half way through the film when Jennifer breaks into Needy’s bedroom and they make out. The fact that Needy has a boyfriend and Jennifer is a total man-eater is paid no credence and they proceed to have a long, slow, breathy session of tonsil tennis. More screen-time is dedicated to Jen and Needy pashing than any of the real turning points of the plot. Why is it so preposterous to expect a man to want to watch a film with a female character majority without them hooking up? I mean, I’ve watched and enjoyed plenty of man-heavy films with no gay makeouts whatsoever.

2. Black Swan

Black Swan is quite brilliant, and there’s no denying that; so why the sudden lezzing huh?

And is it any co-incidence that, just as in Jennifer’s Body- this takes place in the middle of the film- just as those with a short attention span might be tempted to let their mind wander? I think not. And to be honest, there’s already enough wank fodder in Black Swan without it- it’s a little absurd that it’s included.

3. Cruel Intentions 

This is probably my favourite of the three films, if you haven’t watched it- you totally should.

YET: Cruel Intentions has a legitimate gay sub-plot which actually plays an important role in shaping the main storyline- yet we see no physical man-on-man action, and there is a lot of shame surrounding the whole thing. But again, it is deemed acceptable for a lesbian kissing lesson to take place between two straight characters in a public park.  I am by no means implying that acts of gay love shouldn’t grace the silver screen- but when they do, I think there should be equality between gay men and lesbian women. 

(Though, it did win, and probably deserve the MTV award for best kiss- it was a good'un)

And boys, I’d just like to add (I’m probably screwing up your schoolgirl-themed wetdreams here) but I never learnt to kiss by kissing another girl- it was kind of a dead private kissing the back of your hand kind of thing. And I guess it’s the same for most chicks, sorry.

Batty Girl

Okay, I just read this and the long and the short of it is that people, especially young people consider the music tastes of a potential partner to be an important factor in whether they’ll get with them. Which draws me to a conclusion I’ve reached time and time again- I am a gay man trapped inside a woman’s body.

My tastes in music go something like this: Cher, Prince, Madonna, Kate Bush, Dolly Parton, The GoGo’s, Beyoncé, Musicals, Lady GaGa, Disco generally and ABBA. (enjoy the youtubes) 

If I was to find a straight man that was into all that even I’d probably think he was a crafty butcher.

My hobbies too tend to bend towards the festive persuasion: singing, miming that I am singing, cats, glitter, Glee, watching reality T.V. shows (not x-factor but the good ones like ANTM and RuPaul’s Drag Race), cocktails and dressing up.

You may remark that these are not so much the activities of the friends of Dorothy, but rather typically female leisure pursuits. So perhaps I should become a Todger-Dodger.  But I just couldn’t… the thought of women *shudder* --

Furthermore, many of my friends… perhaps most of my friends are fruity. I didn’t do it on purpose, I befriend them then BAM the closet flies open and they’re in there dressed in multicoloured glitter and neck scarves/plaid.

Even my first boyfriend, alas- is gay.

If only my six year old self knew better than to fall for someone just cause he liked Barbie the same as I did… (luv you bby boi)

All this inadvertent association with the rainbow crowd has turned me into a massive Fag Hag. Basically, to those not down with the lingo- Karen from Will & Grace.

And I’ve always wondered, am I alone in this? Is it a real syndrome? Can I call it gender-sexual-dysphoria and get a programme made on me for channel 4?

Does this happen to men? Do any of you think you’re psychological lesbians? Should I start a support group?

Actually, I kind of love it. And to quote the great Tyra Banks, it’s totally “fierce”.

(and fyi I’ve included a lot of links for definitions to all the lulzy euphemisms and nicknames I’ve used throughout this, I hope I’ve widened your vocabulary)

love you all,

xx

a big shout out to all my sassy gay friends: especially the mohawked one who has no shame and asked me to do this. ok i love you all, but especially you.

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