‘Vintagey’ and the Anachronism

Okay. I was watching the 2010 film ‘Submarine’, and I was trying to work out when it was supposed to be set. Which I've noticed has become increasingly difficult to do nowadays. I can’t remember the last time there was a new fashion trend that wasn’t a revival of something else, and it’s more and more common for people’s interiors to be deliberately kitsch and oldy-worldy.

At first you only see them in a school~ and school doesn’t change much so I was still pretty clueless. They’re wearing duffel coats though so I’m either thinking it’s modern and a bit hipster or maybe the 50s. Anyway. I see them walk past a P reg car- so AHA it must be modern.

I Wikipedia it anyway. So it’s set in 1986 then?

Why put a P reg car in plain view, I don’t even drive and I know that’s a late 90s registration.

They make so much effort to tint the picture a little sepia and show the main character using a typewriter and Polaroid camera. Then they just go and put something on screen that just SCREAMS nineties and it totally ruins my suspended disbelief.

[P.S I watched ‘One Day’ last month and Sturgess in ‘1997’ drinks out of an Ikea mug I bought LAST YEAR- but to complain about that would just be pedantic.. right?]

Sometimes I wonder why filmmakers bother to set films which you wouldn’t class as a period drama in the past… it always seems so much effort to make them convincing, and often a narrative will work just as well set in 2011 as if it was set in 1986.

There’s a post on UltraCulture (good blog btw) vis a vis this attitude in Spielberg’s Super 8.

Are the noughties (we’re not in the noughties any more are we.. we’re in the teens? Or something… who knows) really that unattractive for us? People are forever extolling the virtues of the past, whether it be the 60s, 70s, 80s or even the 90s- all are seen as idyllic. My mother told me the other day that if she had a small child nowadays she would not feel as safe letting them out as she did with me and my younger siblings from 1992 onwards.

I don’t think it really is more dangerous today. We just hear about it more.

I don’t want to think that one day I’ll feel almost ashamed of growing up in the 90s/early 00s. How will I show my future children (lol) what life is like now when all the photos we take are put through ridiculous hipstamatic/instagram filters, and all the films I’ve seen recently that aren’t the most vapid of romantic comedies are set in the past, or even worse.. are just remakes of pre-existing films; and music is just samples and covers and rip-offs.

NOTHING IS ORIGINAL ANYMORE

Summer... Bummer!

I don’t really like the summer, I mean- to put this another way; I wear tights about 362 days of the year.

Me and the sun are not friends.

It ruins my complexion.

But that’s just me. The main reasons I detest this abhorrent season is because of the behaviour of other people. Damn them.

KAVOS/FALIRAKI/MAGALUFFFFFFFF ’11 BAYBEEEEE

Seriously. They are fucking fleapits. If I wanted chlamydia and alcohol poisoning I’d get them in the comfort of my own home where I don’t have to rub groins with football shirt wearing ‘lads on tour’, with their ridiculous ‘banter’.

Check out these snaps as proof.

Exchange Students

Why are you here? And why are there so fricking many? Last year I had to share a public bus with 30 German ones. Get your own transport, bus hogs!

And they’re all so turtle-shelled with their backpacks strapped on up high. With their double-bloody-denim I don’t care what Alexa Cheung said that one time in Vogue, that’ll never be chic.

Go home. Bloody grockles.

Topless Men

I don’t want to see your putrid lovehandles and man tits. Always scorched red-raw from basting themselves in coconut oil and lying to roast in the sun, and inevitably they will have one of those awful patriotic/football tattoos. Of a bulldog, or 'made in Britain' or some other godawful emblem.

Keep your nudity within the confines of your own home.

Or maybe the beach.

If you’re good.

CHOON OF THE SUMMER

There’s always that unbearably crap dance song that the clubs just can’t stop playing on repeat. And almost without exception they are gopping. Well I don’t know, that we no speaka da Americano was okay.. I think..

And most of all, yeah, most of all…

Perhaps hypocritically seeing as I just dedicated a whole blog post to the subject- I hate how much of a big deal people make of it.

In Britain summer lasts about 5 days, a week if you’re lucky. And nothing especially amazing happens. If you’ve finished school you probably have to work just as much during the summer than you do at any other time of year. And it feels worse because it gets so stuffy inside.

So basically. I cannot wait for autumn.

Dyke Dilemma

Dear Dolly,

I've been struggling with my sexuality for about 5 years now and I just can't find a way of telling people I'm a lesbian? I shaved my head just to hint to people, and I have piercings all over my face but I'm STILL getting hit on by guys? If things don't improve soon then I'm afraid I'm just going to have to do something drastic like buy a hoodie or a pair of cargo pants? Please help me.

Dear Buzzcut,

This may seem like a controversial tactic but you could just pretend to be a man, I mean, with your current look you need only take off your bra and stuff your knickers. There are two advantages to this, 1. most men will stop hitting on you, 2. you may just pull a straight woman. When you're engaging in dykey activities (eating at vegetarian restaurants, buying plaid shirts or drinking guiness) just pop on a wonderbra and pull out your gusset padding and you're golden. You won't be the only lesbian trying this one out, I mean, one of my favourite games is 'is this a gay man or a lesbian?' it's hard to tell sometimes- I'd check for an adam's apple before hitting on that totally cute chick that looks a bit like Justin Bieber.

Good luck!

Dolly.

Need advice? email longtimenodig@mail.com

View From The Top

Okay, I have SERIOUSLY been neglecting this blog.. er.. my excuse? Mainly that I have a new beau and I have essays due in- pathetic huh? But anyway, to get me inspired again, I’m going to write a series of reviews on films you all probably haven’t seen.

Today I am going to do the 2003 rom-com View from the Top

First, the film poster-

1. Gwyneth never wears that outfit in the film.

2.  Somebody has photoshopped Candice Bergen’s head onto a 22 year old’s body. WHAT.

3. Don’t you think that overall it’s just an annoying poster?

Secondly, the cast-

Love Paltrow, Applegate and Bergen; but I hate Mike Myers and Mark Ruffalo. And not just, as this list may suggest, because they are men.

Mark Ruffalo is an awful love interest, he was in 13 Going on 30 and he is in this, he’s just not funny or charming! Why would a stunner like Gwyneth fall for him?!

And I am glad Hollywood is over Mike Myers nowadays, I don’t think he’s done anything of merit since Shrek 2.

Also it has the black chick from Clueless in it, she has like 2 lines.. but where is she now?

The Plot-

It’s a cutesy small town girl with big dreams kinda story.. I actually like it, so sue me.

Wikipedia Article

It has one of the most sarcastic and vehement wiki articles that I’ve ever read..  this shit is scathing. 

Wardrobe

I like what they wear in this film, but maybe that has more to do with an inner fixation I have about being an air hostess, even a horrid tacky one like she is at the beginning of the film.

Soundtrack

Is surprisingly bangin’ but they’re too cheapskate to use the versions by the original artists. 

All in all, I think IMDb's score of 5/10 is pretty dead on, it's a fun watch but it's kind of annoying and awful as well.. 

Harum-Scarum

I’ll admit it, I’m an old fashioned girl. I like my men to be men; and what screams “man” more than a delicious coating of body hair? Yes, that’s right, I’m pro-hair.

godlike

Modern media’s message to women implies that in order to be attractive we should all be totally hairless- with the exception of our eyelashes and of the hair on our head where it should be impossibly long and lustrous.

But this message is not just a problem for us girls; more and more frequently this is also indoctrinating our men!

NO!

PLEASE STOP!

LEAVE IT THERE!

(fun fact: apparently a back wax is called a "sweater removal" in certain circles LOL)

According to AskMen.com (a most excellent website I spend way too much time on) male depilation is now imperative.

Well, I’m all for a little light pruning if needs must. But lay down your wax strips and Veet and listen!

I have surveyed the populace (okay so I asked some people on facebook- deal with it) and the survey suggests that 70% of straight women are in favour of body hair, 20% don’t particularly care and only 1 person surveyed preferred her men aerodynamically hairless. I only got one result from gay men (and 100% of all surveyed says hair is good) so its probably not representative, but NEVERTHELESS, I think you should all take my painstaking research into serious consideration.

Let it grow.

Come on boys, would you rather be Peter Andre or Don Draper?

Who would you rather emulate?

• Don Draper
• Peter Andre

Money, Money, Money

To quote the great Agnetha, Bjorn, Benny and Anna-Frid:

Ahaaaaaaaha, all the things I could do if I had a little money-

 My last post was about people with money, so today I’m going ponder what’d happen if I was suddenly to come into a vast fortune.

Oh, and by the way this is just about what I’d get for myself- of course I’d give the surplus to –insert cause here- because I just care so much about –said cause-.

The day I got the money

Of all the money I’ve ever earnt in my life- I’d say 1/5^th of it has gone on buying electronics, 1/6^th on socialising, 1/10^th on makeup and the rest has probably been spent on clothes.

 So if past behaviour is anything to go by, I’d probably go out with a friend and buy loads of beautiful clothes. Cause you’d never go out and buy stuff you actually need on your first day of being loaded, would you?

Second day of being minted

I’d probably get a Blackberry- I know I take the mick of all you people with nice phones- but as beautiful as my phone is:

It’s not the most functional thing in the world and it just loves to crash. 

Also I’d probably buy Cadbury’s today- I heard some woman complaining on the radio about how it’s not a British-owned company anymore, how preposterous! I’d buy it back from Kraft, but mainly because I want to push the development of calorie-less chocolate, rather than any patriotism.

Third day

Now’s the time to set myself up for life. I’d by myself a beautiful townhouse in Chelsea and get some lackey to do all the décor. I’m having this wallpaper:

In the kitchen and I reckon I’ll get one of those snazzy red Magnet kitchens I keep seeing in adverts. Furthermore, it is also imperative that I have my own library, complete with kitsch chintz armchairs and a librarian. As even though I’m now a billionaire I still want to pass my degree.

I will also get a Nissan Figaro in Barbie pink and a driver to drive me round town in it.

Wow, this is all I can think of to buy with an endless fortune. I guess my aims are more modest than I first thought.

But sometimes I’m watching MTV cribs and the people on it all seem to have such sad little lives in their huge empty houses. Why would you need more than one car or one television just for yourself?

Oh and I forgot, I’m going to get Xzibit and all the guys at West Coast Customs to pimp my Figaro out. Cause I want footrests with T.Vs in them. 

People With Money

Okay yeah, I’m a student in London, and mainly I skulk about in studenty places: but occasionally I must travel vast distances across the capital and have to take the tube. Not only is this fascinating to me cause I’m still a bit excited by being underground but it allows me to get uncomfortably close to a sub-section of society I don’t tend to see much of; people with real jobs.

I feel quite lazy with this blog of late: and lists are easy to write- so here’s another list, which this time will comprise of all the things that get me riled up about these rarely-criticised blissfully employed city-slickers.

1. That woman in a full suit with expensive running shoes on.

There is a grave conflict of interests here. Either you’re a businesswoman who wants to be taken seriously, or you’re a woman who is going running and never the twain shall meet. Fair’s fair if you’re so driven and efficient that you’re going to take a run in your lunch break, but darling, you’re wearing a pencil skirt, you’re going nowhere fast- despite your top of the range Oasics trainers. You may say to me that high-heels are impractical for the journey home, but my love, this is what ballet flats were invented for. Nowadays you can even get ones that will roll up small and fit into your briefcase- so why are you lugging a pair of trainers back and forth to work? It throws off the whole sharp, hard-nosed Geschäftsfrau look you’ve got going on. You look like a total mug.

2. That man reading the Evening Standard on his iPad.

When did public transport lose its reputation for being a magnet to shifty customers and pickpockets, cause honestly- if I wasn’t so distinctive looking so I’d have a chance to get away- I’d twock that iPad right out of your hands.

Furthermore- the Evening Standard is free, there’s always about thirty copies hanging about per tube carriage. Don’t make us chop down all those trees for nothing! Read the physical paper for Christ’s sake!

3. That unfortunate looking woman with the beautiful Mulberry handbag.

If your makeup, hair and clothing are all heinously bad- why do you torment me with your delicious arm-candy? If your aim was to distract from how grim the rest of you is; you’re actually making your image worse as- in truth, it serves the opposite purpose by creating a contrast between the Frankenstein’s monster of the rest of your outfit and the perfectly-crafted demi-god hanging off your left arm. I’m going to make you an offer here, I will dress you so that you can finally look half decent if you hand over the Mulberry. I promise you I will treasure it forever and pass it onto my grandchildren. Please?

Non-Participant

I’ve decided to write today’s post along a similar vein to the last one; deal with it.

Today as I was traipsing home after a night of merriment and mayhem I decided to actually look at the people in the bus station. I saw some kid with too much fringe wearing this:

I was under the impression that My Chemical Romance and being “emo” evaporated when I turned fourteen, but obviously this isn’t the case.

So today I’m going to talk about the important fashion movements that have happened in my life.

1. Grunge

Well, I think I was far too young to appreciate grunge back when it was happening.

2. Plastic

When I was about six everyone except me had one of these:

but in neon colours and saying SPICE on the back. My mother said they were tacky. She also said this about clothes from Tammy Girl. In my eyes it was all so chic and I was seriously missing out.

I did end up with some cool foam platform sandals though and I wore them to death.

3. Shakira

This video:

sparked a semi-pornographic frenzy of leather and hipster jeans. Age-suitability aside, I was set on becoming as sexy as Shakira. I never really reached the sexy heights of this Colombian belly-dancer- I just kind of looked like an idiot in clothes that didn’t fit me in a halter-neck and jeans made for curves.

And with the birth of low-rider jeans came the birth of love handles and a builders bum/visible thong.

Hot.

4. Chav

This was another craze I wasn’t really allowed to participate in. Mum said velour tracksuits with juicy written on the arse were too slutty for a 12 year old. Sometimes I thank the lord my mother dressed me until I was thirteen.  

I never really had the attitude for it either. Seeing me describe things as minging/blinging was pretty pathetic.

5. Emo

FINALLY! A craze where self-harming was an outfit addition.

I look stupid with a fringe and my ass is too big for skinny jeans, I left it to the pros.

5. Scene Kid

Aesthetically, I liked this better than Emo, but the people who were the most into it all were massive twats.

‘Coon Tails anyone?

6. LOOK AT THE NAME ON MY CHEST

Jack Wills, Hollister, Abercrombie & Fitch.  The holy trinity. I couldn’t afford it and I thought the clothes were hideous beyond belief. And I don’t wear hoodies/tracksuits outside of my own home.

7. I Found This in a Bin.

I’m not sure what to call this trend. But y’all know what I mean.

Is it grunge come full circle?

I think I’ve got this up to modern day- if I’ve missed any major trends out just tell me and I’ll amend it.

And just FYI at the moment I’ve decided to bring Yuppie into the 21^st century. It’s gunna be the next big thing I swear. 

Fashionistas

One of my top T.V formats is the humble makeover show. In ANTM the best episode is always the hairdresser one and despite being squeamish I’ll watch scenes upon scenes of plastic surgery- just because I like the whole transformation aspect, an ugly person emerging from their chrysalis as a butterfly. It’s totes cathartic.

My fave fave fave sub-branch of this movement is the fashion makeover- and today I’ll be assessing the titans of the genre.

1. Gok Wan

It seems as if everything this man touches turns to gold right now- with two successful T.V. enterprises under his belt (How To Look Good Naked and Gok’s Fashion Fix) it looks as if he can do no wrong. 

Well, I dig his approach, he’s nice and approachable and does the tit-grabbing thing. His own ensemble is a little bland though and I can only watch the programme half the time seeing as I generally don’t like seeing women naked- and especially not old women.

Furthermore, he uses too many accessories. Gok likes ‘em to jingle.

2. Trinny and Susannah

I LOVE THEM I LOVE THEM I DO I DO.

I want them back :( they did the tit-grabbing thing first and there’s no beating a partnership. Gok doesn’t have a Trinny to his Susannah plus he doesn’t really know about being a woman, how could any man really know?

When What Not To Wear was on I’d watch it every week without fail. They had such classic hopeless cases on there and they’d do them a whole wardrobe and teach them how to shop in the future.

This is my plea to you, BBC- revive WNTW with T&S.

3. Lisa Butcher and Mica Paris

Who are you?

Trinny and Suze MADE What Not To Wear.

4. Nicky Hambleton-Jones

I’ll admit that I’ve not bothered to watch 10 Years Younger since Myleene Klass took the reigns, cause like… she used to be in Liberty X- and what does that qualify her for? Nothing.

Clothes pay only a minor role in this programme- although I suspect that after a decent haircut they probably take the most years off. The clothes are okay I guess, but it doesn’t seem like Nicky chose them herself and they only do one or two outfits- what are these unfortunates supposed to wear for the other five days of the week huh?

I read an article in the Mail about her being chucked off the show for being too old and haggard- it momentarily got me in a Daily Mail-esque uproar, but then I remembered I didn't really care. 

Furthermore, she has a really annoying voice. What IS that accent?

5. POD

If you’ve never watched Snog, Marry, Avoid you’re seriously missing out.

POD (personal overhaul device) is a sharp talkin’ CGI’d fashionista who abhors fakery.

This is T.V. at its best. Who doesn’t want to see layers of tartrazine coloured foundation stripped from the faces of women who wear more makeup than clothing. Although, all the over-gothed candidates seem to get let off cause they’re “individual”- I’m sorry but they’re no better than their tarted up counterparts.

But POD, I can tell they all wear wigs in the “after” shots.

Commit to the goddamn makeunder! 

Stuff I Hate

I realise that I’ve been a bit absentee recently- but I’ve had essays and then I had to go home for the orthodontist. And I’m also acutely aware that my last few posts have been pretty negative and about things I hate, so today I’m going to get it out of my system for a while by giving you a list of all my pet hates. And I PROMISE that next time I’ll write you a compilation of all the things I love. Okay? Right. Onto my list.

Bad Eyebrows

I’m not talking about big eyebrows, I kind of love them and think they can be very stylish if worn properly. There are two types of eyebrows I despise:
1. Ones that look like tadpoles.
2. The ones that are so thin you couldn’t have drawn them on with a biro, which are especially creepy when they are poker straight.

What the hell do you think they look like; they’re bloody appalling. Unless you have alopecia you were born with a decent pair- why on earth would you mutilate them like that. You either look super serious, constantly bemused or just plain ridiculous. GUH.

Shop-bought Sandwiches

Why oh why does every single sandwich you buy pre-made in a shop have mayonnaise in it? Mayonnaise is a repulsive substance and I know I am not alone in my hatred of it. It is greasy and slimy and viscous and bleeeeeeeeeeeeugh.
Furthermore, when you make mayonnaise yourself it is a bright yellow colour as it is made of egg yolks and oil- so why is it white.. it’s an unnatural abomination, that’s why.

People Wearing The Same Clothes As Me

I’m making my way innocently down the street, minding my own business- when BAM I’m confronted by someone wearing my shoes.. it makes me feel uneasy and scared. It’s like they’ve gotten into my mind or something. How did they know I was going to wear that exact thing on that precise day?
Gives me the heebie-jeebies.

Public Misspellings

I’m cool with bad spelling/grammar in private correspondence, as long as it still makes sense then that’s alright. But, when these affronts to the English language are on signs or menus or facebook statuses then I lose it. In Britain it is law for you to attend school until you’re sixteen- and if after all those years you still don’t know how to use the appropriate there, they’re or their then you are obviously a failure.
Today I saw coffee spelt ‘cofe’ on the front of a shop
SERIOUSLY.
WHY.

That is all.