I'm Bringing Sexy Back

KK bbz. Ages ago I put a poll up on the LTND facebook page asking what y’all wanted me to write about, and as all my readers are horny teenagers the overall jist of it was that you’re after SEX, SEX and more SEX.


And as I cba to track down any people of interest from weird forums… (which I am willing to do again if you liked my previous posts) so I thought I’d just write about what I think is HOT and what I think is NOT.


And for the record, contrary to what this post’s title may have you believe- Justin Timberlake is NOT.

HOT

1. man smell


2. singing talent- not entirely sure why but a boy that can sing really gets my juices flowing, if you’ll pardon the expression

3. subtlety- being super forward is actually really creepy. Especially when I’m on my own… AWRIGHT DARLIN WASSA NICE GAL LIKE YOU DOIN IN A PLACE LIKE THIS? Trying to get from A to B without being accosted by cockney dickheads who think that’s a good line, thank you very much. I do like clever chat up lines though.. seriously I collect them. Ask and I’ll collate a list on here.

4. people who read

5. buying me stuff- K I’m totes a modern woman but who doesn’t like presents?

what can i say, i was into boys at a young age

NOT

1. accents- I find them so distracting


2. being grinded on in da club- just because I am in da club doesn’t mean you can rub your dick on me, brah.

yeah i always go out clubbin like dis bby boi. it getz me al da attenshin

3. people who ask if I’m a lesb then when they find out I’m not ask the person they asked for my number. As you might be able to tell this actually happened to me. What the helling fuck?


4. long fingernails- OMG this should have been number one. Men with long nails make me want to VOM VOM VOM all night long. So what if it’s ‘for guitar’ it’s still horrible.

get some clippers, bitch.

5. people telling me they’re in possession of an XXL baby snake. FORREAL?! I just met you. I’ll tell you my opinion on that if I ever see it, but now you’ve raised that point I don’t think that’s going to be likely.

me on my hen night... LOL

OHHHHH and the best one. Don’t talk to me if you’ve ever referred to yourself as a ‘lad’. Well unless you’re Scottish but that conflicts with the whole accent thing so it’s still better to steer clear of me.


Do you agree with me? If you do share this with all ur potential new boyfriends... or if you think I'm chatting shit, tell me so in the comments or on facebook.. 
CIAO BAMBINININININS

Harum-Scarum

I’ll admit it, I’m an old fashioned girl. I like my men to be men; and what screams “man” more than a delicious coating of body hair? Yes, that’s right, I’m pro-hair.

godlike

Modern media’s message to women implies that in order to be attractive we should all be totally hairless- with the exception of our eyelashes and of the hair on our head where it should be impossibly long and lustrous.

But this message is not just a problem for us girls; more and more frequently this is also indoctrinating our men!

NO!

PLEASE STOP!

LEAVE IT THERE!

(fun fact: apparently a back wax is called a "sweater removal" in certain circles LOL)

According to AskMen.com (a most excellent website I spend way too much time on) male depilation is now imperative.

Well, I’m all for a little light pruning if needs must. But lay down your wax strips and Veet and listen!

I have surveyed the populace (okay so I asked some people on facebook- deal with it) and the survey suggests that 70% of straight women are in favour of body hair, 20% don’t particularly care and only 1 person surveyed preferred her men aerodynamically hairless. I only got one result from gay men (and 100% of all surveyed says hair is good) so its probably not representative, but NEVERTHELESS, I think you should all take my painstaking research into serious consideration.

Let it grow.

Come on boys, would you rather be Peter Andre or Don Draper?

Who would you rather emulate?

• Don Draper
• Peter Andre

Love and Marriage

A conversation I’ve had again and again with my female friends almost since we were old enough to talk is about who’d we’d marry and what our wedding’s going to be like. We’ve all been nuptually fixated before we knew what sex was or even realised that boys weren’t actually made of slugs, snails and puppydog tails. 

FYI: this was the most sexist film I've seen released this side of the millennium

And of course, if you’re a brit you’ll know the hype at the moment is all about the new series of My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding being shown on Channel 4; so yesterday when I was schmoozing with the girls it all came up again.

I have somewhat complicated views on marriage, as it seems my family has been cursed to divorce ever since it’s been socially acceptable.

Usually, when someone asks me about getting married I tell them that I don’t plan to, and that two people can lead a perfectly happy and healthy relationship without tying the knot.  Anyway, I couldn’t be fussed with the whole buying a wedding dress too small for me and crash dieting myself into it debacle.

HOT!

But secretly, inside I have a crazy yearning to become a character in a Lawrence novel, the downtrodden wife of a miner, living in a two-up, two-down terraced cottage with our four children, who spends all day cooking and washing the family’s linen with a mangle only for my husband to come home from the mine, snatch the jam jar I kept the money for little Louisa’s new hobnail boots in, and go down the pub and spend it all on drink. Later he’d come home and beat me senseless because there were lumps in the custard at dinner.

I’m not sure whether this is a genuine fantasy of mine or just the product of a deep-rooted wish to lead a more literary life- or perhaps it’s just my masochism coming through.

Why is being beaten such an attractive prospect for me?

....sigh

 

drooooool..... 

Also major apologies for lack of updates recently, I promise to write more for y'all when all is calm.

Big love, 

Dollface.

CRINGE!

Y’all may have noticed that I’m not writing about Christmas- and no, it’s not for religious reasons; I just hate all the early hype about it. I promise a Christmas special on xmas eve- no earlier, no later.

Well, today’s post is going to be one that reveals a lot about me, and is very close to my heart. So like, you’re not allowed to laugh.

Basically I’m going to tell you about my embarrassing celebrity crushes. And I’m not going to wuss out and like say genuinely attractive people and then be like “oh how embarrassing lolololol”. I am actually semi-repulsed by these men- but I so would- given the chance. 

1. Jeremy Paxman

I know I bitched about older gents in a previous post. But like.. it’s not the physical that makes me yearn for Paxman- and it’s not political either. What really gets me going as far as Paxman is concerned; is his role as quizmaster on University Challenge. UC is one of my favourite programmes on telly- and Paxman just makes it. My favourite thing he does is that disproving look at those silly students when they fail to recall a quite obvious answer about Spenser’s Faerie Queene or quantum physics or some other frankly elementary subject. Oh Jeremy… *sigh*

  2. Anton Du Beke

I don’t really watch Strictly Come Dancing, but when I do it is only for Anton. I love how he’s consistently paired with the most appalling dancers but they always get far in the competition because of Anton’s comedic choreography and his general suave style. How bad he looks in his Latin ensembles just makes me like him more. I also love his voice- he just seems like such a gent.

 3. Rafael Nadal

Rafa is not the most attractive tennis player on the scene, and, as much as I hate Federer- I can see he is handsome in a way Nadal will never achieve.  But, perversely for someone as obsessed with good English as I am- I only like him because of how bad his spoken English is. Watching him being interviewed just brings me endless joy. That little Spanish lisp of his! It just makes me want to wrap myself around him.

4. CJ from Eggheads

CJ is my favourite Egghead. I think if you looked at some stats you would probably find out he is one of the worst Eggheads, but this only endears him to me more. I’ve even written him a fan letter- and I totally got a reply (<3 you CJ). I actually think CJ might be gay- because of his penchant for floral shirts and how before his quizzing days he was a model- but frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn. It’s never stopped me before.

5. Stephen Fry

I don’t even need to explain, do I?


P.S please comment on this with any embarrassing crushes you have- and you're not allowed to say anyone that you've heard other people say are sexy. Okay?