Summer... Bummer!

I don’t really like the summer, I mean- to put this another way; I wear tights about 362 days of the year.

Me and the sun are not friends.

It ruins my complexion.

But that’s just me. The main reasons I detest this abhorrent season is because of the behaviour of other people. Damn them.

KAVOS/FALIRAKI/MAGALUFFFFFFFF ’11 BAYBEEEEE

Seriously. They are fucking fleapits. If I wanted chlamydia and alcohol poisoning I’d get them in the comfort of my own home where I don’t have to rub groins with football shirt wearing ‘lads on tour’, with their ridiculous ‘banter’.

Check out these snaps as proof.

Exchange Students

Why are you here? And why are there so fricking many? Last year I had to share a public bus with 30 German ones. Get your own transport, bus hogs!

And they’re all so turtle-shelled with their backpacks strapped on up high. With their double-bloody-denim I don’t care what Alexa Cheung said that one time in Vogue, that’ll never be chic.

Go home. Bloody grockles.

Topless Men

I don’t want to see your putrid lovehandles and man tits. Always scorched red-raw from basting themselves in coconut oil and lying to roast in the sun, and inevitably they will have one of those awful patriotic/football tattoos. Of a bulldog, or 'made in Britain' or some other godawful emblem.

Keep your nudity within the confines of your own home.

Or maybe the beach.

If you’re good.

CHOON OF THE SUMMER

There’s always that unbearably crap dance song that the clubs just can’t stop playing on repeat. And almost without exception they are gopping. Well I don’t know, that we no speaka da Americano was okay.. I think..

And most of all, yeah, most of all…

Perhaps hypocritically seeing as I just dedicated a whole blog post to the subject- I hate how much of a big deal people make of it.

In Britain summer lasts about 5 days, a week if you’re lucky. And nothing especially amazing happens. If you’ve finished school you probably have to work just as much during the summer than you do at any other time of year. And it feels worse because it gets so stuffy inside.

So basically. I cannot wait for autumn.

Things What You May Have Not Already Have Known About The US of A

1.     Southerners will get mad if you call them a Yank.

Behind his "southern hospitality" smile lies a will of iron and the ability to become crazier than a shit-house rat. Now that's a varmint I wouldn't like to see someone get crazier than; if you know what I mean.

2.     Sideburns are named after the U.S. Civil War General, Ambrose Burnside.

I would.

3.     They call noughts and crosses tic tac toe.

4.     The reason New York has the best pizza and bagels in the world is because of the water (allegedly).

5.     This isn’t really about America but this video is hilar:

6.     Btw I’m not cheating and just googling “facts about America” these are all coming from my brain.

7.     Bulk buying Sudafed is illegal cause they use it to make crystal meth- we don’t have crystal meth here really and I for one am glad it’s not crossed over the pond. We’ll have Madonna but you can keep the drugz. 

 

Want

Do not want.

8.     They call taps faucets.. I learnt this from Uncle Buck.

9.     God this is a difficult list.

10. They spell words like dialling and modelling with only one L like dialing and modeling. But then they do get the chance to do competitive spelling which I am so jealous of it's unreal- think of all the prizes I could have won!

11. Erm.. they have pageants for little children and they truss them up like little prostitutes and stick these fake teeth on so they don’t look like they only have baby teeth. You should definitely watch Toddlers & Tiaras on DMAX if, like me, you have a sick fascination with this kind of stuff.

12. Apparently Makenzie is an acceptable first name over there; it isn’t even frickin’ spelt right.

13. They also have guns. Lots of them. The right to bear arms is very important to them- and did you guys see all the puns related to this when Michelle Obama kept wearing sleeveless dresses? I don’t really know how that was deemed newsworthy but it somehow was. 

She has both guns and the right to bare arms

14. They call this # a pound sign- I’ll give you a pound sign, £££££££ THIS is a pound sign.

15. Everything is cheap in America because they don’t have a top-notch public healthcare system like we do.  In the US you have to be a millionaire to get sick. True story. 

Then again, they get Greg House (although tbh he should be ours as Hugh Laurie is a bona fide brit- actually he's fictional, so what do I care?)

16. I don’t actually know that much about America.

I'm not 100% sure if 100% of this is 100% accurate but I hope I've taught y'all something.