People With Money

Okay yeah, I’m a student in London, and mainly I skulk about in studenty places: but occasionally I must travel vast distances across the capital and have to take the tube. Not only is this fascinating to me cause I’m still a bit excited by being underground but it allows me to get uncomfortably close to a sub-section of society I don’t tend to see much of; people with real jobs.

I feel quite lazy with this blog of late: and lists are easy to write- so here’s another list, which this time will comprise of all the things that get me riled up about these rarely-criticised blissfully employed city-slickers.

1. That woman in a full suit with expensive running shoes on.

There is a grave conflict of interests here. Either you’re a businesswoman who wants to be taken seriously, or you’re a woman who is going running and never the twain shall meet. Fair’s fair if you’re so driven and efficient that you’re going to take a run in your lunch break, but darling, you’re wearing a pencil skirt, you’re going nowhere fast- despite your top of the range Oasics trainers. You may say to me that high-heels are impractical for the journey home, but my love, this is what ballet flats were invented for. Nowadays you can even get ones that will roll up small and fit into your briefcase- so why are you lugging a pair of trainers back and forth to work? It throws off the whole sharp, hard-nosed Geschäftsfrau look you’ve got going on. You look like a total mug.

2. That man reading the Evening Standard on his iPad.

When did public transport lose its reputation for being a magnet to shifty customers and pickpockets, cause honestly- if I wasn’t so distinctive looking so I’d have a chance to get away- I’d twock that iPad right out of your hands.

Furthermore- the Evening Standard is free, there’s always about thirty copies hanging about per tube carriage. Don’t make us chop down all those trees for nothing! Read the physical paper for Christ’s sake!

3. That unfortunate looking woman with the beautiful Mulberry handbag.

If your makeup, hair and clothing are all heinously bad- why do you torment me with your delicious arm-candy? If your aim was to distract from how grim the rest of you is; you’re actually making your image worse as- in truth, it serves the opposite purpose by creating a contrast between the Frankenstein’s monster of the rest of your outfit and the perfectly-crafted demi-god hanging off your left arm. I’m going to make you an offer here, I will dress you so that you can finally look half decent if you hand over the Mulberry. I promise you I will treasure it forever and pass it onto my grandchildren. Please?