‘Vintagey’ and the Anachronism

Okay. I was watching the 2010 film ‘Submarine’, and I was trying to work out when it was supposed to be set. Which I've noticed has become increasingly difficult to do nowadays. I can’t remember the last time there was a new fashion trend that wasn’t a revival of something else, and it’s more and more common for people’s interiors to be deliberately kitsch and oldy-worldy.

At first you only see them in a school~ and school doesn’t change much so I was still pretty clueless. They’re wearing duffel coats though so I’m either thinking it’s modern and a bit hipster or maybe the 50s. Anyway. I see them walk past a P reg car- so AHA it must be modern.

I Wikipedia it anyway. So it’s set in 1986 then?

Why put a P reg car in plain view, I don’t even drive and I know that’s a late 90s registration.

They make so much effort to tint the picture a little sepia and show the main character using a typewriter and Polaroid camera. Then they just go and put something on screen that just SCREAMS nineties and it totally ruins my suspended disbelief.

[P.S I watched ‘One Day’ last month and Sturgess in ‘1997’ drinks out of an Ikea mug I bought LAST YEAR- but to complain about that would just be pedantic.. right?]

Sometimes I wonder why filmmakers bother to set films which you wouldn’t class as a period drama in the past… it always seems so much effort to make them convincing, and often a narrative will work just as well set in 2011 as if it was set in 1986.

There’s a post on UltraCulture (good blog btw) vis a vis this attitude in Spielberg’s Super 8.

Are the noughties (we’re not in the noughties any more are we.. we’re in the teens? Or something… who knows) really that unattractive for us? People are forever extolling the virtues of the past, whether it be the 60s, 70s, 80s or even the 90s- all are seen as idyllic. My mother told me the other day that if she had a small child nowadays she would not feel as safe letting them out as she did with me and my younger siblings from 1992 onwards.

I don’t think it really is more dangerous today. We just hear about it more.

I don’t want to think that one day I’ll feel almost ashamed of growing up in the 90s/early 00s. How will I show my future children (lol) what life is like now when all the photos we take are put through ridiculous hipstamatic/instagram filters, and all the films I’ve seen recently that aren’t the most vapid of romantic comedies are set in the past, or even worse.. are just remakes of pre-existing films; and music is just samples and covers and rip-offs.

NOTHING IS ORIGINAL ANYMORE

City Livin'

Those of you who don’t know me in the real world might not realise that I originally hail from the countryside.

Yep, just like Farmville ‘cept it’s REAL.

[Mary mother of god!- MS word recognises Farmville as a proper word and even capitalised it for me… what is the world coming to?]

Anyway, me and the mohawked rugmuncher (oh so now mohawked and rugmuncher aren’t real words? Eff you MS word) had a debate about whether the city or the countryside is better to live in.

OBVIOUSLY I sided with the city, I mean- which sane person wouldn’t?

This is pretty much my house

It’s not that I’m not grateful to the countryside for giving me a dull as dishwater upbringing with nothing to do but sit on the church steps sipping from a three litre bottle of Frosty Jack’s. cause like, if I’d grown up in the city I might have… I don’t know, not been to as many parties put on in village halls? Or maybe  I wouldn’t have benefitted from knowing the name of every single drongo that sits on the till at Morrisons.

Nice tabard.

Okay, jokes aside. Maybe the countryside is safer. There are much more places for a murderer to dispose of your mutilated body, but chances are that cause everyone knows everyone you’re likely to already be aware of those with sociopathic tendencies, and have given them a wide berth.

Oh and it’s pretty. I hate the beach, but I guess the fields and rivers are okay I suppose.

Which is why I uphold the view that living in a village should be the preserve of holidaymakers and the elderly.

I googled 'inbred' and got this! LOLZ

EVERYTHING about living in a rural town is inconvenient. I don’t drive- so where I can go alone is entirely dependent on where buses go. Which generally- they don’t go at all. Buses cost a fortune too, people say London is expensive but a single bus ticket with an oyster card is only £1.30, I could pay £4, more if I actually admit to being an adult (I never will).

EVERYONE knows your business. Nothing can go under the radar. Especially when you’re a local celeb like myself….

EVERYWHERE is chock full of old people. I don’t particularly have a problem with old people.. but when I’m trying to post a letter the last thing I want is to be stuck behind a queue of geriatrics paying their TV licence with a collection of five pence pieces.

There are no old people in London, people think I’m joking but they just aren’t any.

You know they only have those wheely things to take up MORE space and be even MORE inconvenient 

Lol I called this post ‘City Livin’’ when actually I just ranted about how bad country living is.. oh well, c’est la vie.

You

Hey guys! Welcome to my fiftieth post! I'm being all pensive.
So yesterday I put up a poll on my blog’s facebook asking y’all what you wanted to see more of on here.

And it got me thinking- the most important person on this blog is actually YOU.
It’s weird to think that anyone would read the drivel I want to write about, but it seems more and more so that you actually do! Crazy!

And I don’t know much about you.. I know most of you are from the UK, use PCs and run Internet Explorer. But apart from that I am clueless!

So this is my plea to you to tell me who you are, you don’t need to include your name or anything, just tell me if you know me in the real world, or if you found me by googling ‘are Jedward gay?’ (Seriously that is one of the top things people google to get here), you can tell me you think I’m an idiot- I don’t care, just tell me what you want! I’m never quite sure what’s a hit and what’s a miss.

What do you want me to write about?
Do you like my interviews?
Do you want to know more about your faithful narrator?
What’s your favourite post I’ve ever done?
I’m willing to talk about most things. Srsly I can chat shit about all number of topics [n.b please please please don’t ask me to talk about sport.. I run out of things to say after ‘I was a sub for the third netball team at school… errr I have asthma okay I am like allergic to exercise’]

So basically GET IN TOUCH WITH ME!!! There are a number of ways you can do this:-
By liking my FACEBOOK and writing on the wall
By sending an EMAIL to longtimenodig@mail.com
Or just by commenting on this post after the jump (I don’t think a blogger account is necessary, so you can give me abuse anonymously if you so wish)

If I get any feedback whatsoever from this I will be over the moon! So get tapping away on those little keyboards my little Long Time No Diggers.

Dolly's People: Ladyboy Enthusiast

Today I'm going to be chatting with Alan Smithee, a dapper chap with a penchant for the ambiguously sexed- Enjoy!

Dolly: so Alan, for those of us who aren't familiar with the ins and outs of gender-bending, what exactly defines a ladyboy?

AS: It's a tough one, sexuality really can't be compartmentalised as easily as people tend to think. It's a spectrum and a lot of it's down to individual perceptions. I'd personally say that a ladyboy is effectively a chick with a dick. I'd also say there's a subtle difference between a ladyboy and a transvestite; for me the transvestite has a sense of deception about it, like a man disguised as a woman. A ladyboy, to me, is absolutely a lady, but with a dick. I can't speak for everybody, but that's my view.

Dolly: Would you ever consider doing the dirty with a pretty convincing transvestite or at the other end of the spectrum a post-op transsexual?

AS: I think it'd be pretty narrow to say I wouldn't consider anything! If you're saying 'transvestite' rather than 'ladyboy' then I guess it's not a write off, but it's not my thing. Same with post-ops. As a big fan of ladyboys it almost seems a shame that people feel the need to have an operation, but if someone feels like that's what they'd want then I guess it's the right thing for them. They really don't appeal the same way ladyboys do.

Dolly: Have you ever indulged your passion for chicks with dicks I.R.L. or is it purely a late-night googling thing?

AS: Late night/Late morning. Good old internet.

Dolly: What, in your opinion- are the attributes that really make a dame with a dong into a realistic woman?

AS: It's a toughy. What makes anyone feminine? I think there's a definite sense with a ladyboy that they're definitely a she. I guess there's just something integral that crosses the line of a man pretending and becomes a lady with an alternative appendage.

Dolly: I see the attraction, dicks are fun! and easy to operate, and boobs are p. cool too- to quote Hannah Montana it's the best of both worlds! Is this how you think of it?

AS: Who knows. You know when you get a pub lunch and you're offered chicken or pork? That's literally the closest I can come to what it could be. I hate ordering the same thing all the time.

A friend of mine thinks it might be because it'd be cool to be with a girl who had to adjust herself too. Whilst I don't know quite how much I attribute to his theory, that is pretty cool.

Oh, and by 'adjust herself' I meant when a guy stands up and sometimes has to re-angle his junk to walk comfy. A chick doing that would be pretty cool.

Dolly: Does liking ladyboys automatically make you bisexual? I've heard the word ‘pansexual’ being bandied about but that always seemed like a funny one.. either as if you'd find ANYTHING sexually attractive, or you're into pans.

AS: Or that you wanna fuck the goat-person from Guillermo Del Toro's flick.

Dolly: so tru

AS: I don't know, I guess if we're attaching a rigid framework to sexuality then it would make me bi. But sexuality really doesn't work like that in my mind, it should be a lot more open-ended than just saying yes or no. I honestly consider a ladyboy to be a lady with a dick, so if it's a lady to me then that would make it heterosexual attraction, but then the dick would make it gay. It's a big old moral minefield and honestly I don't think it matters all that much, maybe we label sexuality so vigourously because it's scary to people, people who are open about sexuality don't tend to give a shit in my experience.

Dolly: One last thing, are you planning a trip to Thailand anytime soon?

AS: Thailand is the first thing that comes to mind isn't it? I'm not sure if going there would be quite what I'd want it to be. Can you really enjoy it if you're getting charged? It'd probably seem a lot more illicit and a lot less fun.

Dolly: Well, thanks a million for agreeing to be interviewed~ it’s been fun. Now go back to one typing one-handed in a sex chatroom if you wish! Ciao ciao!

FRESHERS

Hey guys! Looks like it’s that time of year again!

Pretty much everyone in the year below is on the cusp of leaving mummy for the first time cause it’s the last chance they’ll have to do it on the cheap.

Ikea’s already choc full of spotty teenagers wondering whether two plates’ll be enough, and a substantial number of eighteen year olds are being kept awake at night plagued not by the anxiety of leaving everyone they’ve ever known to go and live with complete strangers/possible psychos- but by the conundrum of how they should go about naming their cutlery.

Seeing as I came out of my first year alive, and plan on going back to university for more- I thought I should write some spiel about being a fresher.

Innit.

1. Be nice to everyone

Okay, so everyone at home knows and loves you as that bitch with a rapier tongue and dry wit- but you’re not going to make any instant friendships like that. Pretend to be pleasant. At least until you find like-minded people.

You should remember that most people come to university knowing nobody, and so will be eternally grateful for someone saying ‘want to grab a liquid lunch with me?’ and who knows, they could be your new best friend! Or a total drip. But you never know, you could be put in a seminar group with them and be begging to borrow their Hamlet notes in a few months time.

Such wholesome looking students! NOTE: you will never look like this, your clothes won't see an iron until you go home for Christmas and you'll probably run out of money for the washer anyway, plus that acne you thought you grew out of when you were 14, well- it'll be back. With a vengeance. 

2. Remember to bring your paperwork

You’ll survive at university if you forget to bring most things, they can be bought/borrowed if needs be. But one thing that is ABSOLUTELY CRUCIAL is your documents.

You don’t want to be stuck with no student loan cause you’ve left your letter on your bedside table back home.

AAHH WHAT'S MY BLOODY SORT CODE

3. Communal living

Don’t leave anything you don’t want to be stolen in the kitchen.

Students are notorious kleptomaniacs; they’re the human version of raccoons I swear!

I thought I had done alright at the end of last year, only to find when I’d moved into my new place that someone had run off with my tin opener! Cheeky!

This goes for food too- leave stuff in the fridge and someone will steal it, ESPECIALLY milk.

4. Freshers flu

After a week of solid drinking, drugs and debauchery you’re going to get ill. Your parents aren’t telling you to eat properly so you’ve probably been getting the main part of your nutrient intake from drink. And let me just tell you that just cause Jägermeister tastes like cough medicine, it doesn’t mean it’s any good for you.

This is why it’s important to bring pills with you, waking up on Sunday morning with a throbbing headache is only made worse when you realise it’s not morning. It’s 4.15 and Sainsbury’s is now closed.

Pack as many boxes of paracetamol as you could possibly fit in your washbag.

You WILL use them.

Seriously, who takes pills like this?

Okay, I’ve not mentioned some common sensy things, but here they are just in case you’re a total idiot.

-carry condoms on you at all times, universities are not the hallowed halls of learning they appear to be- they are PITS OF DISEASE

-girls: see all those clothes you packed? Leave half of them at home

-remember to bring chargers with you- good luck telling your mother you’ve forgotten your phone charger when the battery is already dead.

- for god’s sake… read the goddamn books. You only need 40% to pass first year but that’ll come a lot easier if you at least know basic outlines!

(Oh, and take a look at this list for what you should bring with you, it's pretty good)

MADONNA!

OH EM GEE! It’s totaaaally Madonna’s birthday today! I know she’s probably far above googling herself, but if one of her ‘people’ is reading this right now- tell her Dolly says hi!

 Anyway, it goes without saying that Ms Ciccone is the most beautiful and stylish person on earth. So today I’m gonna share some tips to help you achieve some modicum of her awe-inducing FINESSE.

1. Let your roots show on purpose

"You look so good with blond hair and black roots its like not even funny."

 It’s dirty. And dirty is sexy.

2. It’s never too late to re-invent

It’s hard to argue that Madge isn’t the queen of re-invention. Cause well. Is there any look she hasn’t rocked?

4. Love your copy-cats

 

a) Madge actually looks better than gaga here, 30 year age difference or not.

b) She should be flattered

c) The woman who is often hailed as the most original dresser in pop rips off Madonna's look all the time- which obviously makes M a frickin' deity.

5. Cradle-snatching doesn’t make you look old it makes you looks SEDUCTIVE AS HELL

3. It’s all about the eyebrows betches.

6. Draw attention to your lady-bits

If your outfit shouts I AM A WOMAN or alternatively- LOOK AT MY VAGINA/TITS, then no man is immune. Men are dead stupid, if you didn’t let them know where the main attractions are then they’d never get there.

7. You are never too old for leotards

Never were truer words spoken.

P.S this got me so effing excited.

Scrimp With Me

Hey guys, last time I did a post about saving money y’all seemed to really like it. So I thought I’d do another one sharing more of my pennypinching know-how. 

1. FREE FREE FREE FREE FREE

I effing ADORE getting things on the cheap- and it’s even better when you can get them for FREE. I highly recommend that you become a fan of Women Freebies on facebook. From one month of following the links given on just this one website I have managed to get---- drumroll please:

A big bar of galaxy chocolate

Lots of wrinkle cream samples

A tin of spam

A facemask

A small vial of Tabasco sauce

Which is not bad! Some of the samples through the post take a little while to arrive, but seeing as it’s not costing you anything, it’d be rude to moan about it.

2. Magazines

It’s always worth checking what free gifts are on offer! This month’s Cosmo has a free pair of Eyelure false eyelashes, which I know retail in Boots for around £5, and Cosmo is only £3.50!

So not only do you get a slightly sexist bible of weird sex tips and TRUE LIFE STORIES- you also get to look lash-tastic! Hot!

Frankly, who wouldn't want to look like they have moths clinging to their eyelashes?

3. Get Bank Savvy

Are you in possession of a child bank account you’ve almost forgotten about?

If yes… STOP

Now is the time to remember it. Chances are that the interest you’re getting on it is an absolute pittance. So move that money betch!

But remember: it’s highly likely that the account will be under one of your parents names, but they can be signed over to you, so check it out!

Shop around for the best deal, and be sure of what you want.

An instant access savings account means you can get at your money in an emergency, but a fixed-term saver might mean you get better rates.

But be practical, you don’t want to be caught out!

4. Collect Vouchers

See, Katie Holmes doesn't even need to use them but she still does, because coupons are just so CELEBRITY

With my last box of hair dye (Garnier Ultra Colour in Ice Blonde- yes I’m not a natural blonde. Now get over it you horrible judgmental people) I got a coupon for money off Garnier roll-on deoderant! That’s pretty cool!

My top tip for voucher usage is to write down when they expire in a diary- then you’ll be reminded to use them before they run out.

I know using vouchers is usually the preserve of housewives and old women, but in this economic climate I am glad of all the 30p savings I can make.

As some crazy old broad once said- ‘watch the pennies and the pounds will take care of themselves’.

Aces!