Dear Diary!

            In all my nineteen years of existence I’ve kept a number of diaries. Homework diaries, dream journals, datebooks, this-is-how-I’m-feeling journals and I suppose… this thing is sort of a diary (not really but I’ll admit it kind of is a bit). So I thought I’d go all meta-diary on you and tell you all about my experiences as a diarist. [totes got inspired by this b.t.w]

            When I was a small and impressionable I thought keeping a diary was the height of sophistication. Because:

a) all of my favourite American tween starlets were always pictured lying on their bed with some huge tome laid out flat in front of them, twiddling with a (usually pink and/or fluffy) pen.

b) some of the best books everrrrrrr are in diary form- Anne Frank, The Princess Diaries and what is perhaps the pinnacle of human literary achievement- Adrian Mole.

c) I did a project on Samuel Pepys at school once and he TOTES got famous from writing a diary and what self-respecting eleven year old doesn’t want to get famuzzzz.

But when I was rifling through my desk drawers the other day I came across a few of them- and I’ve come to a realisation that I am a dreadful diarist, like… really, really bad. I’m not even going to prove it by copying out an entry or two. Because well.. they are MORTIFYING. And I’d start a diary, keep it for maybe a week, then forget about it- and this cycle would just go on and on, so I have maybe ten or eleven brief diaries, all of which start with some LIFE CHANGING DILEMMA (read: omg I relly fanci a boy! Hes so gorgus! Or: omg my parents r the worst everrrrrrr! Or: I am so depresst, I didnt get my homework diary sined so miss put me in detenshun.)

SO. HORRIBLE.

Thankfully I grew out of this/got addicted to Bebo, so it all went away.

But guess what guys, my tormented inner child has duped me into buying a ridiculously expensive filofax. The dire diarist is back!!!!!!!! I only bought it to use for writing appointments in, but the leathery scent of its red alligator cover and the crisp paper of its creamy innards have me itching to fill it with my putridly middle-class hopes and fears.

NOTE: I didn't take this annoying mock-polaroid bullshit photo, just none of the other pictures in my search result managed to capture its true beauty.

I disgust myself.

p.s for like 2 weeks before I finally caved and bought it I pored over this website for hours on end. It totally fetishizes (fetishises?) the art of filofaxing and I admit it made me a bit tingly tingly. HOT.

Luv Dolly

xx

Funny Bitches

Comediennes (women comedians)- rare.

STRAIGHT BRITISH comediennes- close to extinct.

Discuss.

On QI Stephen asked why they don’t feature more women on their panel- and the answer was because women simply aren’t funny.

I googled 'appalled woman' and this is what I got. Deal with it.

Wait, that’s not fair!

Some of my funniest friends are women! (yes Jeff this includes you- there’s your mention, now like my facebook page you harlot) and brain-wise, of the two sexes it is women that are supposed to be the great left-brained communicators, and comedy is mostly talk, right?

Further to this women have a reputation for being a touch psychic- maybe I’m exaggerating a little but it has been proved that if you set a man against a woman in a game of rock paper scissors the woman will probably win- because as a rule are better at reading what other people are likely to do, probably as a result of some deep nurturing quality evolution has implanted deep into our genome or something. And surely being able to READ PEOPLE’S MINDS would make women better comics, cause they’d know exactly what the audience wants to hear.

But no, I actually agree with QI’s findings. The female comedians, at least the ones they put on the UK tube nowadays, as a whole just kind of aren’t funny. And why are the majority of the funny ones lesbians? There are way more straight women than lezzers. So what’s the fricking deal?!

BY AND LARGE comediennes can be placed into one of two categories:

1. Man-haters

Sarah Millican's ex-husband is possibly the most talked about subject on panel shows today.

Man-haters: as much as I love a bit of man-bashing now and again (and let’s face it, they kind of have it coming to them) by hating on men they are essentially alienating themselves from half of the population, cause I don’t care what y’all say- men are bloody sensitive, and we have to stroke and coddle their fragile little egos… d’awww. Plus- Mary mother of Jesus does it get a bit samey. It’s kind of like a male comedian doing non-stop mother-in-law jokes or waxing lyrical about how bad his wife is at driving. So dull.

2. Hopelessly stupid

To coin a phrase from the Pixies- where is my mind?

Oh, and the ditzy one. It’s just soooo slapstick. Dull dull dull dull dull! I mean, did feminism NEVER happen or something?  A woman is allowed to be witty and sharp and devastating. Women are bitchy- and that is FUNNY! But T.V women just aren’t. It’s probably why I like so many gay comics cause they have all of the bitchiness but none of the strange inhibitions women seem to have.

It's not like I don't appreciate women being put on (mainly BBC) television, it's just I think they should be on there because they are GOOD rather than because they are GIRLS.


So this is my plea to you; the British female population. Be funny. And go on television- break that glass ceiling betches! WERRRRRRRK

Eurovision

Hey girls and gays! I was going to write this yesterday but Blogger was down… no fun!

So tomorrow it’s that time again, no, not the 133^rd anniversary of Vaseline first being sold, it’s EUROVISION, silly!

Now, the reason for my over-use of exclamation marks is that, of course- I love it! For me, it is better than Christmas, there’s all the camp fun and merriment but none of the expense/family members that still think you’re six.

This year is especially exciting for me as it is being held in the country where dreams are made- GERMANY!

look, I know it's in Düsseldorf and not Berlin but I haven't got any pictures of me near any Düsseldorf landmarks. Sorry.

Britain’s offering this year is pretty poor (Blue) and frankly Ireland isn’t looking to improve on its record seven Eurovision titles with Jedward.

But then again nowadays I only ever look to Eastern Europe to produce the real Eurovision gems. They just take it more seriously in countries where they don’t often get to have their own international pop stars. Plus they seem to have no shame when it comes to OTT pageantry.

Many people choose to criticise the show and say it’s not about the music and it’s mainly about European politics. But HELLO Germany won last year and nobody really likes them (except me) so that point is null and void.

Here is a concise list of my favourite things about Eurovision and why you should TOTALLY tune in tomorrow night:

1. The outfits

2. The national pride, not really for us but for the other countries. I mean, it’s quite something to see Bosnia and Herzegovina really representin’.

3. The hosts. They are so cringe but I so love it.

4. Graham Norton does the voice over in the UK.

5. The general WTFs

The blind woman from Georgia's 'Peace Will Come' was a TRIUMPH

6. The people who talk when they collect the scores, I do a cracking impersonation of them. Ask me when I’ve had a few too many.

7. Some pretty amazing songs have come about as a result of the Song Contest. Bucks Fizz anyone? 

Or even better, ABBA.

8. It’s gayer than Elton John and David Furnish shopping for pink be-spangled scatter cushions to adorn their chaise longue.  So like. Pretty damn gay. And it’s not cast into the abyss of 2 AM broadcasting *COUGH* RuPaul’s Drag Race *COUGH* Channel 4.

9.  Playing guess the capital cities. Okay this is lame and super geeky but I like knowing that Tallin is the capital of Estonia okay?

10. Did I mention the outfits?

Selling To Men

I find advertising quite interesting—and no, not just because of Mad Men, I actually think it is often innovative and psychological. But there is one area of the rhetorical arts that never fails to astound me in its unoriginality; the selling of traditionally feminine products to men.

WKD

Look it’s two men doing some manly DIY together, you could just cut the testosterone in that room with a knife. Now look the lad’s having a bubble! What  a lad doing a lad robot dance with a macho man drill.

LAD LAD LAD.

Come on WKD, you know men don’t drink your stuff. It tastes like candyfloss!

Face Cream

Matthew Fox (?) giving us some spiel about LIFE and ACTION overlaying images of BOXING and HOT CHICKS and RUNNING then they sneakily show us this magical face cream that tells us where pussyboy women’s brands might ‘enliven’ or ‘regenerate’ this manly manly pot of creamed violence and sex appeal FIGHTS THE SIGNS OF FATIGUE.

Cause jeesh what is more manly than FIGHTING.

Tissues

Kleenex have really done us proud with this one, it’s so manly I just felt my ovaries shrivel up.

This man isn’t a wuss for crying

Look at him

He has a BULLDOG

A BRITISH BULLDOG AND TATTOOS AND STUBBLE AND A WIFEBEATER AND A WOMAN

He is allowed to cry.

And look! It’s BOB frickin GELDOF, LAUGHING IN THE FACE of some MUMMA’S BOY SISSY GIRL PANTS EXECUTIVES

Now there’s Emma Bunton, wait! She isn’t a MAN!?! Oh.. but she just ripped apart those WIMPY PINK ROSES and is ROCKIN OUT to ROCK MUSIC whilst wearing LEATHER,, it’s okay, honorary lad-ship awarded.

Now the manliest man of them all, SVEN GORAN MOTHER EFFING ERICSSON! And he’s not using the tissues, oh contraire! He’s KICKING THEM into the BIN and screaming GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAL!!!!

Oof my testicles just dropped.

In my humble opinion adverts like these are pretty offensive to men… or maybe these adverts work, I’m not sure

So boys, tell me, are you mainly into FIGHTING and LADS and FOOTBALL?

Things What You May Have Not Already Have Known About The US of A

1.     Southerners will get mad if you call them a Yank.

Behind his "southern hospitality" smile lies a will of iron and the ability to become crazier than a shit-house rat. Now that's a varmint I wouldn't like to see someone get crazier than; if you know what I mean.

2.     Sideburns are named after the U.S. Civil War General, Ambrose Burnside.

I would.

3.     They call noughts and crosses tic tac toe.

4.     The reason New York has the best pizza and bagels in the world is because of the water (allegedly).

5.     This isn’t really about America but this video is hilar:

6.     Btw I’m not cheating and just googling “facts about America” these are all coming from my brain.

7.     Bulk buying Sudafed is illegal cause they use it to make crystal meth- we don’t have crystal meth here really and I for one am glad it’s not crossed over the pond. We’ll have Madonna but you can keep the drugz. 

 

Want

Do not want.

8.     They call taps faucets.. I learnt this from Uncle Buck.

9.     God this is a difficult list.

10. They spell words like dialling and modelling with only one L like dialing and modeling. But then they do get the chance to do competitive spelling which I am so jealous of it's unreal- think of all the prizes I could have won!

11. Erm.. they have pageants for little children and they truss them up like little prostitutes and stick these fake teeth on so they don’t look like they only have baby teeth. You should definitely watch Toddlers & Tiaras on DMAX if, like me, you have a sick fascination with this kind of stuff.

12. Apparently Makenzie is an acceptable first name over there; it isn’t even frickin’ spelt right.

13. They also have guns. Lots of them. The right to bear arms is very important to them- and did you guys see all the puns related to this when Michelle Obama kept wearing sleeveless dresses? I don’t really know how that was deemed newsworthy but it somehow was. 

She has both guns and the right to bare arms

14. They call this # a pound sign- I’ll give you a pound sign, £££££££ THIS is a pound sign.

15. Everything is cheap in America because they don’t have a top-notch public healthcare system like we do.  In the US you have to be a millionaire to get sick. True story. 

Then again, they get Greg House (although tbh he should be ours as Hugh Laurie is a bona fide brit- actually he's fictional, so what do I care?)

16. I don’t actually know that much about America.

I'm not 100% sure if 100% of this is 100% accurate but I hope I've taught y'all something.