I've been struggling with my sexuality for about 5 years now and I just can't find a way of telling people I'm a lesbian? I shaved my head just to hint to people, and I have piercings all over my face but I'm STILL getting hit on by guys? If things don't improve soon then I'm afraid I'm just going to have to do something drastic like buy a hoodie or a pair of cargo pants? Please help me.
Dear Buzzcut,
This may seem like a controversial tactic but you could just pretend to be a man, I mean, with your current look you need only take off your bra and stuff your knickers. There are two advantages to this, 1. most men will stop hitting on you, 2. you may just pull a straight woman. When you're engaging in dykey activities (eating at vegetarian restaurants, buying plaid shirts or drinking guiness) just pop on a wonderbra and pull out your gusset padding and you're golden. You won't be the only lesbian trying this one out, I mean, one of my favourite games is 'is this a gay man or a lesbian?' it's hard to tell sometimes- I'd check for an adam's apple before hitting on that totally cute chick that looks a bit like Justin Bieber.
In all my nineteen years of existence I’ve kept a number of diaries. Homework diaries, dream journals, datebooks, this-is-how-I’m-feeling journals and I suppose… this thing is sort of a diary (not really but I’ll admit it kind of is a bit). So I thought I’d go all meta-diary on you and tell you all about my experiences as a diarist. [totes got inspired by this b.t.w]
When I was a small and impressionable I thought keeping a diary was the height of sophistication. Because:
a) all of my favourite American tween starlets were always pictured lying on their bed with some huge tome laid out flat in front of them, twiddling with a (usually pink and/or fluffy) pen.
b) some of the best books everrrrrrr are in diary form- Anne Frank, The Princess Diaries and what is perhaps the pinnacle of human literary achievement- Adrian Mole.
c) I did a project on Samuel Pepys at school once and he TOTES got famous from writing a diary and what self-respecting eleven year old doesn’t want to get famuzzzz.
But when I was rifling through my desk drawers the other day I came across a few of them- and I’ve come to a realisation that I am a dreadful diarist, like… really, really bad. I’m not even going to prove it by copying out an entry or two. Because well.. they are MORTIFYING. And I’d start a diary, keep it for maybe a week, then forget about it- and this cycle would just go on and on, so I have maybe ten or eleven brief diaries, all of which start with some LIFE CHANGING DILEMMA (read: omg I relly fanci a boy! Hes so gorgus! Or: omg my parents r the worst everrrrrrr! Or: I am so depresst, I didnt get my homework diary sined so miss put me in detenshun.)
SO. HORRIBLE.
Thankfully I grew out of this/got addicted to Bebo, so it all went away.
But guess what guys, my tormented inner child has duped me into buying a ridiculously expensive filofax. The dire diarist is back!!!!!!!! I only bought it to use for writing appointments in, but the leathery scent of its red alligator cover and the crisp paper of its creamy innards have me itching to fill it with my putridly middle-class hopes and fears.
NOTE: I didn't take this annoying mock-polaroid bullshit photo, just none of the other pictures in my search result managed to capture its true beauty.
I disgust myself.
p.s for like 2 weeks before I finally caved and bought it I pored over this website for hours on end. It totally fetishizes (fetishises?) the art of filofaxing and I admit it made me a bit tingly tingly. HOT.
On QI Stephen asked why they don’t feature more women on their panel- and the answer was because women simply aren’t funny.
I googled 'appalled woman' and this is what I got. Deal with it.
Wait, that’s not fair!
Some of my funniest friends are women! (yes Jeff this includes you- there’s your mention, now like my facebook page you harlot) and brain-wise, of the two sexes it is women that are supposed to be the great left-brained communicators, and comedy is mostly talk, right?
Further to this women have a reputation for being a touch psychic- maybe I’m exaggerating a little but it has been proved that if you set a man against a woman in a game of rock paper scissors the woman will probably win- because as a rule are better at reading what other people are likely to do, probably as a result of some deep nurturing quality evolution has implanted deep into our genome or something. And surely being able to READ PEOPLE’S MINDS would make women better comics, cause they’d know exactly what the audience wants to hear.
But no, I actually agree with QI’s findings. The female comedians, at least the ones they put on the UK tube nowadays, as a whole just kind of aren’t funny. And why are the majority of the funny ones lesbians? There are way more straight women than lezzers. So what’s the fricking deal?!
BY AND LARGE comediennes can be placed into one of two categories:
1. Man-haters
Sarah Millican's ex-husband is possibly the most talked about subject on panel shows today.
Man-haters: as much as I love a bit of man-bashing now and again (and let’s face it, they kind of have it coming to them) by hating on men they are essentially alienating themselves from half of the population, cause I don’t care what y’all say- men are bloody sensitive, and we have to stroke and coddle their fragile little egos… d’awww. Plus- Mary mother of Jesus does it get a bit samey. It’s kind of like a male comedian doing non-stop mother-in-law jokes or waxing lyrical about how bad his wife is at driving. So dull.
2. Hopelessly stupid
To coin a phrase from the Pixies- where is my mind?
Oh, and the ditzy one. It’s just soooo slapstick. Dull dull dull dull dull! I mean, did feminism NEVER happen or something? A woman is allowed to be witty and sharp and devastating. Women are bitchy- and that is FUNNY! But T.V women just aren’t. It’s probably why I like so many gay comics cause they have all of the bitchiness but none of the strange inhibitions women seem to have.
It's not like I don't appreciate women being put on (mainly BBC) television, it's just I think they should be on there because they are GOOD rather than because they are GIRLS.
So this is my plea to you; the British female population. Be funny. And go on television- break that glass ceiling betches! WERRRRRRRK
Hey girls and gays! I was going to write this yesterday but Blogger was down… no fun!
So tomorrow it’s that time again, no, not the 133rd anniversary of Vaseline first being sold, it’s EUROVISION, silly!
Now, the reason for my over-use of exclamation marks is that, of course- I love it! For me, it is better than Christmas, there’s all the camp fun and merriment but none of the expense/family members that still think you’re six.
This year is especially exciting for me as it is being held in the country where dreams are made- GERMANY!
look, I know it's in Düsseldorf and not Berlin but I haven't got any pictures of me near any Düsseldorf landmarks. Sorry.
Britain’s offering this year is pretty poor (Blue) and frankly Ireland isn’t looking to improve on its record seven Eurovision titles with Jedward.
But then again nowadays I only ever look to Eastern Europe to produce the real Eurovision gems. They just take it more seriously in countries where they don’t often get to have their own international pop stars. Plus they seem to have no shame when it comes to OTT pageantry.
Many people choose to criticise the show and say it’s not about the music and it’s mainly about European politics. But HELLO Germany won last year and nobody really likes them (except me) so that point is null and void.
Here is a concise list of my favourite things about Eurovision and why you should TOTALLY tune in tomorrow night:
1. The outfits
2. The national pride, not really for us but for the other countries. I mean, it’s quite something to see Bosnia and Herzegovina really representin’.
3. The hosts. They are so cringe but I so love it.
4. Graham Norton does the voice over in the UK.
5. The general WTFs
The blind woman from Georgia's 'Peace Will Come' was a TRIUMPH
6. The people who talk when they collect the scores, I do a cracking impersonation of them. Ask me when I’ve had a few too many.
7. Some pretty amazing songs have come about as a result of the Song Contest. Bucks Fizz anyone?
Or even better, ABBA.
8. It’s gayer than Elton John and David Furnish shopping for pink be-spangled scatter cushions to adorn their chaise longue. So like. Pretty damn gay. And it’s not cast into the abyss of 2 AM broadcasting *COUGH* RuPaul’s Drag Race *COUGH* Channel 4.
9. Playing guess the capital cities. Okay this is lame and super geeky but I like knowing that Tallin is the capital of Estonia okay?
Since, I don’t know- about March last year a number of the people I know suddenly took up an interest in politics. And this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I mean, it’s good to care, right?
But frankly some of y’all are taking it too damn far.
1. OMGZ NICK CLEGG IS SUCH A TR8OR INNIT
I know you think it’s hip and cool to adopt this view because Russell Howard says it a lot (bee tee dubs who else is bored stiff of him already?) but are any of you actually aware of how politics works?
Yes, it said in the Lib Dem manifesto that they planned on scrapping tuition fees, but as you can see here:
The Liberal Democrats DID NOT win. Not even close. They actually came third.
If our government just did everything on the Lib Dem manifesto it’d be undemocratic and essentially veto the votes of the majority of British people: ergo, we would live in a DICTATORSHIP.
Do you want that? No, I didn’t think so. So shut the hell up about Nick Clegg already.
2. I JUST VOTED FOR ***** AND SAID ******* TO AV
In 1872 the British government introduced the Secret Ballot Act. Before this they’d shout out if you had voted Tory or Whig straight after you wrote it down. They stopped doing this because people used to get beaten up for voting a certain way. Furthermore it’s just damn annoying so I’m pretty tempted to beat you up regardless of what you voted for. Capisce?
3. DAVID CAMERON IS THE DEVIL
Whatever your political inclination, it cannot be disputed that our prime minister has a nigh on impossible job. Yes, he’s enforced some pretty austere measures, but he’s not really done that badly has he? Anyway, I doubt any of us are really fit to judge him as I’m fairly certain that none of us have a job with even a percentile of the responsibility his has.
So give the man a break?
P.S you all should vote though, when it comes down to it. People died for your right to decide how the country is run.
Oh. This is pretty gloomy. But believe it or not I’m in an okay mood atm. I’ll write something cheerier next time.
Okay, I have SERIOUSLY been neglecting this blog.. er.. my excuse? Mainly that I have a new beau and I have essays due in- pathetic huh? But anyway, to get me inspired again, I’m going to write a series of reviews on films you all probably haven’t seen.
Today I am going to do the 2003 rom-com View from the Top
First, the film poster-
1. Gwyneth never wears that outfit in the film.
2. Somebody has photoshopped Candice Bergen’s head onto a 22 year old’s body. WHAT.
3. Don’t you think that overall it’s just an annoying poster?
Secondly, the cast-
Love Paltrow, Applegate and Bergen; but I hate Mike Myers and Mark Ruffalo. And not just, as this list may suggest, because they are men.
Mark Ruffalo is an awful love interest, he was in 13 Going on 30 and he is in this, he’s just not funny or charming! Why would a stunner like Gwyneth fall for him?!
And I am glad Hollywood is over Mike Myers nowadays, I don’t think he’s done anything of merit since Shrek 2.
I like what they wear in this film, but maybe that has more to do with an inner fixation I have about being an air hostess, even a horrid tacky one like she is at the beginning of the film.
Soundtrack
Is surprisingly bangin’ but they’re too cheapskate to use the versions by the original artists.
All in all, I think IMDb's score of 5/10 is pretty dead on, it's a fun watch but it's kind of annoying and awful as well..
