Gratuitous Lesbianism

Okay okay, before all of you ladylovers jump down my throat- it is not the intention of this post to be anti-scissorsister or anything, if anything it is pro-lesbianism because I’m trying to strive for equality here.

Today, I am going to be commenting on a device I’m seeing more and more of in modern cinema; the sudden and incongruous instances of straight female characters making out- and it adding nothing or very little to the storyline. I actually somewhat enjoyed all of the films mentioned below, but I think this issue needs to be addressed in each of them. Because I feel there has to be a more sophisticated way to attract male viewers to these films- and that men should really be credited with a little more intelligence.

P.S- as the lesbianism is SO POINTLESS there are actually very few spoilers below, but if you’re dead pernickety I guess that there are indeed spoilers.

1. Jennifer’s Body

I’m aware this film is kind of awful but I sorta liked it as a tongue in cheek horror-comedy.

 Both Jennifer and Needy are portrayed as straight girls throughout the film- neither expresses any interest in homosexuality until about half way through the film when Jennifer breaks into Needy’s bedroom and they make out. The fact that Needy has a boyfriend and Jennifer is a total man-eater is paid no credence and they proceed to have a long, slow, breathy session of tonsil tennis. More screen-time is dedicated to Jen and Needy pashing than any of the real turning points of the plot. Why is it so preposterous to expect a man to want to watch a film with a female character majority without them hooking up? I mean, I’ve watched and enjoyed plenty of man-heavy films with no gay makeouts whatsoever.

2. Black Swan

Black Swan is quite brilliant, and there’s no denying that; so why the sudden lezzing huh?

And is it any co-incidence that, just as in Jennifer’s Body- this takes place in the middle of the film- just as those with a short attention span might be tempted to let their mind wander? I think not. And to be honest, there’s already enough wank fodder in Black Swan without it- it’s a little absurd that it’s included.

3. Cruel Intentions 

This is probably my favourite of the three films, if you haven’t watched it- you totally should.

YET: Cruel Intentions has a legitimate gay sub-plot which actually plays an important role in shaping the main storyline- yet we see no physical man-on-man action, and there is a lot of shame surrounding the whole thing. But again, it is deemed acceptable for a lesbian kissing lesson to take place between two straight characters in a public park.  I am by no means implying that acts of gay love shouldn’t grace the silver screen- but when they do, I think there should be equality between gay men and lesbian women. 

(Though, it did win, and probably deserve the MTV award for best kiss- it was a good'un)

And boys, I’d just like to add (I’m probably screwing up your schoolgirl-themed wetdreams here) but I never learnt to kiss by kissing another girl- it was kind of a dead private kissing the back of your hand kind of thing. And I guess it’s the same for most chicks, sorry.